#Honesty

I am not always positive kids. lol

I am not always thankful.

There are times that I wake up and darkness fills my soul and I feel like never getting out of bed.

There are times that I am having a good day and then it's like I hit a granite wall and back down the hill I go.

There are times that I scream at the heavens wanting answers.

And have pity parties for myself.

There are times that I just get incredibly tired and weary...

This is just me being honest.

There are times that I wish God would just give me what I want. Not what I need.

There are times that I wish I could just skip to the end of the story.

All the time I wish I didn't see through a glass darkly and could see the whole beautiful picture and not just the tiny piece that I am in.

Thankfully that is not how I always am--and thank GOD that they are getting fewer and farther between (until the next time God trims something from my life :P)

But in those moments when I feel life closing in around me and threatening to stifle every joy out of life.

I am learning that I must push through them.

Sitting in bed and feeling sorry for myself will never do me a lick of good :P

Writing is Cathartic for Me

Cathartic < yes I just used that correctly. lol

I feel so good.

Lol, I almost feel bad writing that. 

Like maybe I'm a horribly person that can feel this good after just a few weeks of being retardly depressed.

I spin around my room like a little kid listening to my favorite music.

I hang out with my friends.

I go running like my life depends on it.

I crawl into bed and talk for hours to my God.

I sit under the stars and enjoy the very fact that I am alive.

I enjoy hot showers.

And reading.

And books.

And playing my violin (badly) lol

God has a plan for my life.

This I know with every fiber of my being.

It's a truth that echos throughout every corner of my heart.

I don't know what it looks like right now.

And that's ok.

I don't have to know and it's ok.

I look to my past and I see how very faithful God has been to me.

And I know I can trust Him with my present.

And my future.

Because I know whatever He has for me-it will be GOOD.

And I can rest in that.

I can be the little kid that holds her Daddy's hand.

I don't have to know where we are going.

I am just enjoying walking together.

Late Night Ramblings

(Writing is my therapy) (also I hate this freaking cough. lol it's so annoying)

"The skill of the divine potter is an infinite patience of improvisation. No sooner has one work gone awry than his fingers are pressing it into the form of another. There is never a moment for the clay, when the potter is not doing something with it. God is never standing back and watching us; his fingers are on us all the time,"

- Austin Farrer

I am learning that when God's fingers are pressed deeply into my life and molding me it is not always what I want. But it is always what I need.

I'm still figuring this out.

2 Corinthians 4-7

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

"The Potter reveals His grace; through broken jars."

Worship was fantastic this morning. I believe this kids. 

I'm rooted in something so much deeper than another person.

I was happy and enjoyed life before him, I was happy and enjoyed life with him, and I am happy and enjoy life without him.

I am ok. And it is such a good feeling.

I am not responsible for how anyone other than myself handles this.

I am responsible for how I handle this.

I am responsible for me. My choices. My life.

And I am going to use this for good.

I am going to press up close to the heart of my God.

I am going to start dancing with freedom.I am going to enjoy being single and do things that I probably will never get the chance to do again lol

I am going to start playing violin, go on roadtrips by myself (shhh don't tell my mom yet ;)), and invest in my amazing friends.

I am not going to waste this sitting on my butt and being depressed.

(even if I was acting like a retard at first lol :P)

That would not acting true to who I am.

Now mind you I'm not going to go to Vegas and go crazy either cause that wouldn't be true to who I am either lol 

I am a child of a King and dearly deeply loved. :)

Don't get me wrong there are times where my emotions get a hold of me and I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure and pain.

If only I were more attractive.

If only I were more outgoing.

If only I were more like the other girls.

If only.

Maybe.

What then?

What if?

I turn and run to my God and I remind myself that He's got it all under control. And that He's always been faithful to me. And that I can trust Him that he will finish the job.

I don't have and never have been in control.

And my grip on my life starts to loosen a little bit again.

And I remember that I am free.

I am free to be me.

Who cares who doesn't like it.

And that knowledge makes me smile for real. 

I really do love my life.
I am surrounded by amazingly fantastic people.
:)

Quotes.

It has never been my life, I have never owned any time, and God has never called me to fit him in. To live is Christ, and to die is gain, and until we give up this foolish notion that we have anything of our own to give we will never have the radical impact that true Christians have. It’s not about what we can give. It’s about what we haven’t given yet. What we haven’t yet dragged to the altar and made into a living sacrifice. The true Christian life isn’t something you do, it’s something you are. And I’m tired of trying to have my cake and eat it too.

We've all got places in our life where we know we need to change. And these aren't confusing changes, they're just places where we decided the road got a little uncomfortable, or we just ran out of time, so we built a little tent on the side of the road. For some of us, that tent has become a mansion. And for me, it's time to move out.

Quotes....