This weekend was rough.

I get so frustrated with my so many shortcomings.

How easily I am distracted from the important things.
How easily I cast judgments and label people.
How easily I forget that God is trustworthy and good.

I cried in anger and frustration.

I get so tired of fighting. So tired of finding out how incredibly incompetent I am.
I was so tired of being messed up.
I was so tired of how hard loving people actually is.

I lost sight of who I am.

I went and soaked myself in music that reminded me of who I really am.

I am chosen.
I am a child of God.
I am loved.
More than I can ever imagine.

Jason Gray and Andrew Peterson and Downhere reminded me.

And I spun around because I am loved even if I am not perfect.
I am loved even though I mess up.
Jesus loves me even when I don't love very well.

I can rest in that and just enjoy the dance.
 

This is where I bleed on paper and make everyone uncomfortable and show really how messed up I am. Woop woop.

Forgive me it is late and I am tired and in one of my writing moods-- so humor me.

(Please do not read if profanity offends you, this is me being honest.)

I mess up.

I sin, judge, think like a prick, and think very self-righteously.

I suck at loving people that I don't understand.

Suck.

I'm sorry everyone I'm trying but I fall so so short all the time.

I try and convince myself that I believe that we are all on a level playing field.

But I don't really believe it.

I say it.

I want to believe it.

But I don't.

I'm treat the people around me like walking trees way to often.

I want to love like Jesus.

But it's so hard.

I cast judgement in my head.

I run away from people that make me uncomfortable and I don't understand.

It took a friend who loves me enough to be honest with me.

And I knew this already but I've been trying to bury it.

Trying to convince myself that I really don't judge people.

But I so do.

I try and figure out everything and God just wants me to love people.

I complicate things.

Oh I am so good complicate things.

I cried all the way home.

I am so messed up I don't even realize how messed up I am.

I'm the prodigal son that ran away and got burned by fire.

But I am also the self-righteous son who stayed home.

And I'm so tired of it. 

I'm so tired of fighting and trying so hard.

I'm tired of it.

So **** it all.

I just want to be more like Jesus.

And Jesus loved people.

Messed up people. Judgmental people. Lazy people. Crazy people. Addicted people. Slutty people. Prideful people. Broken people. Crazy people. Stupid people. Stuck up people.

He didn't set up perimeters around His love and acceptance.

He just loved. 

He met people where they were at.

And I don't know how to do this.

I'm terrified of it to be honest.

I'm so scared that I am going to say something wrong.

I'm scared of how messy people are.

I'm scared of being hurt.

I'm scared that I am going to screw something up.

I can't do it.

I can't do it on my own.

I guess that's the point though isn't it?

God help me.

It's time I start doing what I say I believe.

I'm so thankful that God died to save a sinful, judgmental, prick of a person like me.

And that He loves me.

Now I just need to wrap myself up in that.

I'm gonna keep it simple.

I am going to love God.

And love people.

Even when I don't know exactly how that is going to look.

I'm just going to do it.

Also I can't wait to get to heaven.

The end.

(So I chickened out and used asterisk and don't lie you read this just because you wanted to see if I really cussed. :P)

I am tired.

These last few weeks have been a little crazy and at it doesn't look like it's going to slow down for at least the next couple weeks. 

There is so much I want to write that I don't know where to start... So many thoughts are bouncing around in my head and I don't know what to do with it all.

Last Thursday I read an essay by Jason Gray that I have kept returning to when I feel espeically worn down and weary. 

Because see I am already an incredilby analytical person and when I am reaching exhaustion my mind kicks into overdrive and I start over anaylizing the heck out of everything that I do and say and I see judgment and annoyance lurking in the eyes everyone around me. So when I read something like http://www.rabbitroom.com/2012/08/the-story-we-tell-ourselves-part-1/ < that it resonates with me. My prayer this week has often been "Dear God, please let your voice be louder than my insecurities" 

I want to identify myself by the fact that God loves me just as I am right now and that is the only thing that matters.

It's just hard because I have to fight so hard against the voices that whisper in my ears that I am not enough.

In other news I am reading the book The Ragamuffin Gospel. And have fallen in love with it. 

Just go back...

When I look at you, boy

I can see the road that lies ahead

I can see the love and the sorrow

Bright fields of joy

Dark nights awake in a stormy bed

I want to go with you, but I can't follow

So keep to the old roads

Keep to the old roads

And you'll find your way

Your first kiss, your first crush

The first time you know you're not enough

The first time there's no one there to hold you

The first time you pack it all up

And drive alone across America

Please remember the words that I told you

Keep to the old roads

Keep to the old roads

And you'll find your way

You'll find your way

If love is what you're looking for

The old road leads to an open door

And You'll find your way

You'll find your way

Back home

And I know you'll be scared when you take up that cross

And I know it'll hurt, 'cause I know what it costs

And I love you so much and it's so hard to watch

But you're gonna grow up and you're gonna get lost

Just go back, go back

Go back, go back to the ancient paths

Lash your heart to the ancient mast

and hold on, boy, whatever you do

To the hope that's taken a hold of you

-You'll Find Your Way -Andrew Peterson

Rambling

Hello to the two people that actually read my long winded ramblings--it's been a while.

This summer has been crazy. My life looks nothing like I imagined it would look like it would have 4 years ago....or 6 months ago. This summer has been amazing, painful, and wonderful all at the same time.

It's been composed of me wrestling with God and clinging to faith in the midst of pain and tears. God is good and there is a reason for EVERYTHING has been my anthem and it has kept me sane(ish) ;).

 If you know me at all you will know that I dislike...actually no-- I hate unknowns. I like to have everything figured out and have a plan for everything. I don't even care if it's going to be painful or life is going to fall apart--I think I will be ok if I just know about it. When I don't know what exactly is going on-- I become the queen of over analyzing (Mrs. George will attest that this is true haha). It's a weakness--thankfully God is working on me and I'm learning slowly but surely. 

God is good though kids, He can be trusted and He has never ever let me go. He knows what is best and He wants me to have faith that He really is in control and I can rest in that.

I am a beloved daughter of God and He loves me.

This is my identity and nothing else matters.

If I sink the roots of my identity in this fact it doesn't matter what happens in my life.

It doesn't matter that I don't know how everything is going to play out right now.

It doesn't matter if the whole world hates me. I am going to be ok.

In fact I am going to be better than ok.

So here is to dancing,