Take it.

And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love, love, love
Burning in my heart

Take my life, take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You
Take my heart, take all that I have
Jesus, how I adore You

----------------------------------------------

I love this song so much. 

It's the song I turned on this morning as I threw open the windows open and basked in the fall sunshine. 

Threw my arms around and spun around the room and begged God to do this with my life. I want so desperately to be surrendered completely to walk to the heartbeat of Jesus. Yet, honestly it terrifies me as well because...I don't know exactly what that looks like for me and I like having a plan.

Loving people is hard. It runs counterintuitive to my natural state of mind. Most of the time I am very very me focused and it's hard to break that cycle.

And sometimes I want to wait until I feel loving before I love...But I am learning that when I love the feelings follow and that I can't sit around and wait for something as finicky as feelings. 

Case in point a few weeks ago I was taking care of a particularly cranky lady who I just couldn't crack and I am typically good at getting people to at least kinda sorta like me but this lady was not about to like anyone and had nothing but complaints and just wanted more and more pain medication. And then one night before I went home I overheard her telling her friend that her "little nurse" was taking her IV morphine because it wasn't helping her at all... So I went in and assured her that I was not taking it--but she just glared at me with her narrowed beady little eyes and said she didn't believe me... So I finally gave up, finished up my charting and went home just mad, discouraged and really really tired. 

And then I had to go back the next day...and I just did my job and tried my best to avoid her room. However, it turned out that I had to take her outside and help her get in the car. So as we stood outside and the breeze played with my hair and I prayed--because I did not love this woman. Borderline tolerance is what I was feeling at this point in our relationship. So even though my heart was warring inside me-- I told her "I am thankful that I got to take care of you and I am glad that I got the chance to meet you and I really hope you have a great recovery." And then I bent down and gave her cranky butt a hug. And to my amazement her beady and critical eyes softened and filled with tears and all of a sudden I saw an old lady who was incredibly lonely and needed love just as much I do. And apologies fell from her thin lips and she begged me understand that she was just ill and didn't feel good and she was so so sorry for being mean to me. And when I looked into her eyes and told her that it was ok, I understood that it is hard being sick and that I really was glad I got the chance I got to meet her. I meant it with all my heart. 

This is what I am learning--I just need to be faithful with what I have been given with what is right in front of my face. Because love is an action not a feeling.

Satisfied.

I have a hard time embracing who I am and who God has created me to be. (You think that by now I would have figured this out)

All I seem to see is the list of problems that I have which is a mile long. Even when I acknowledge that I am good at something--then it goes to my head and I can feel the tentacles of pride wrapping themselves around my heart and then I get mad at myself for letting things go to my head.

I want to be perfect. I want to stop messing up. I'm tired of being judgmental. I'm tired of not being as loving and patient as I should be. I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of wrestling for faith and struggling to hold on. I'm tired of being the prodigal son that ran away and spent time in the pig pen--and I am also the son that stayed and had a major attitude about it and thought he was all that and a bag of chips.

I'm tired of wanting to run away.

So I turn on music and I let Jason Gray, Andrew Peterson, Brandon Health, ect remind me of the truth that seems so hard to hold onto.

The truth that I am so incredibly and deeply loved just as I am.
That I measure up because when God looks at me He sees Jesus.
That inspite of my countless failings and foibles He is satisfied with me.

And if God is satisfied with the work He is doing in me...perhaps just maybe I can be satisfied with it as well.
Maybe.

This weekend was rough.

I get so frustrated with my so many shortcomings.

How easily I am distracted from the important things.
How easily I cast judgments and label people.
How easily I forget that God is trustworthy and good.

I cried in anger and frustration.

I get so tired of fighting. So tired of finding out how incredibly incompetent I am.
I was so tired of being messed up.
I was so tired of how hard loving people actually is.

I lost sight of who I am.

I went and soaked myself in music that reminded me of who I really am.

I am chosen.
I am a child of God.
I am loved.
More than I can ever imagine.

Jason Gray and Andrew Peterson and Downhere reminded me.

And I spun around because I am loved even if I am not perfect.
I am loved even though I mess up.
Jesus loves me even when I don't love very well.

I can rest in that and just enjoy the dance.
 

This is where I bleed on paper and make everyone uncomfortable and show really how messed up I am. Woop woop.

Forgive me it is late and I am tired and in one of my writing moods-- so humor me.

(Please do not read if profanity offends you, this is me being honest.)

I mess up.

I sin, judge, think like a prick, and think very self-righteously.

I suck at loving people that I don't understand.

Suck.

I'm sorry everyone I'm trying but I fall so so short all the time.

I try and convince myself that I believe that we are all on a level playing field.

But I don't really believe it.

I say it.

I want to believe it.

But I don't.

I'm treat the people around me like walking trees way to often.

I want to love like Jesus.

But it's so hard.

I cast judgement in my head.

I run away from people that make me uncomfortable and I don't understand.

It took a friend who loves me enough to be honest with me.

And I knew this already but I've been trying to bury it.

Trying to convince myself that I really don't judge people.

But I so do.

I try and figure out everything and God just wants me to love people.

I complicate things.

Oh I am so good complicate things.

I cried all the way home.

I am so messed up I don't even realize how messed up I am.

I'm the prodigal son that ran away and got burned by fire.

But I am also the self-righteous son who stayed home.

And I'm so tired of it. 

I'm so tired of fighting and trying so hard.

I'm tired of it.

So **** it all.

I just want to be more like Jesus.

And Jesus loved people.

Messed up people. Judgmental people. Lazy people. Crazy people. Addicted people. Slutty people. Prideful people. Broken people. Crazy people. Stupid people. Stuck up people.

He didn't set up perimeters around His love and acceptance.

He just loved. 

He met people where they were at.

And I don't know how to do this.

I'm terrified of it to be honest.

I'm so scared that I am going to say something wrong.

I'm scared of how messy people are.

I'm scared of being hurt.

I'm scared that I am going to screw something up.

I can't do it.

I can't do it on my own.

I guess that's the point though isn't it?

God help me.

It's time I start doing what I say I believe.

I'm so thankful that God died to save a sinful, judgmental, prick of a person like me.

And that He loves me.

Now I just need to wrap myself up in that.

I'm gonna keep it simple.

I am going to love God.

And love people.

Even when I don't know exactly how that is going to look.

I'm just going to do it.

Also I can't wait to get to heaven.

The end.

(So I chickened out and used asterisk and don't lie you read this just because you wanted to see if I really cussed. :P)

I am tired.

These last few weeks have been a little crazy and at it doesn't look like it's going to slow down for at least the next couple weeks. 

There is so much I want to write that I don't know where to start... So many thoughts are bouncing around in my head and I don't know what to do with it all.

Last Thursday I read an essay by Jason Gray that I have kept returning to when I feel espeically worn down and weary. 

Because see I am already an incredilby analytical person and when I am reaching exhaustion my mind kicks into overdrive and I start over anaylizing the heck out of everything that I do and say and I see judgment and annoyance lurking in the eyes everyone around me. So when I read something like http://www.rabbitroom.com/2012/08/the-story-we-tell-ourselves-part-1/ < that it resonates with me. My prayer this week has often been "Dear God, please let your voice be louder than my insecurities" 

I want to identify myself by the fact that God loves me just as I am right now and that is the only thing that matters.

It's just hard because I have to fight so hard against the voices that whisper in my ears that I am not enough.

In other news I am reading the book The Ragamuffin Gospel. And have fallen in love with it.