Wonder

This morning I padded through my house to find the door that lead outside, sat on the small brick front porch and drank in beauty.

I stretch out my legs, crossed them at the ankles, began to read and then set my book down to look, no actually see the world around me.

The ants crawling up and down the corner of the square pillar forming a moving black line, the dew that is drying up on the blades of grass, the birds and cicadas that sing, and the glorious sunshine.

Wonder can be found anywhere and everywhere, if only, if only I could open up my true eyes.

I am feeling and being quite the sentimental girl this evening...lol, oh well.

Tomorrow's my last day with my post surgical people and I am incredibly indebted to everyone over there. I am a better person because of the people I have met and words aren't enough to convey how much I have enjoyed meeting all my people.

I'm going to miss my orthopedic, neurosurgery, and plastic surgeons, PAs, and NPs so much. I worked for two years, and not a single one ever got angry with me or yelled at me, EVER. (even when I asked 3243 questions) I was only ever treated with patience, kindness and that does not reflect at all on me but only on the character and grace they all have. They make me want to become a better healthcare provider and person.

I am going to miss the nurses and care partners who invested their lives into me, taught me so much, and made me laugh without fail everyday.

I'm going to miss my PACU people who are always awesome, everyone's favorite pharmacist James and the rest of the OR pharmacy team (who also never yelled even when I called them 3243 times a day), my house keeping people, and I'm going to miss seeing Amy who always smiles and all the rest of my room service people.

Lol, I act as if I am moving to the other end of the world, when really I am only going to the other end of the hospital. But I am going to miss seeing these people everyday.

I have been blessed to have had the opportunity to get to know all the people that I have. One of the doctors gave me a huge hug today and told me that he was going to miss me and he was thankful that I got to take care of his patients, a PA called me just to tell me that they were sad I was leaving, to let them know if I ever needed anything, and that she was going to miss me, and Ms. Linda who is one of the best room cleaners there is told me that she loved working with me and would miss me -- all those meant the world and a half to me and I wanted to cry. Because I am so lucky, I am so incredibly thankful that my life got to intersect with such a fantastic group of individuals. Thank you all.

The end.

Religion is easier than a relationship, rules are more quantifiable than faith, chains and cages seems safer than freedom, and a small god that holds my opinion as the ultimate authority seems tamer...safer than the wild, mysterious Creator that demands all. But deep down don't we all long for something more than safe? More than comfortable? Don't we long and ache for Good?

And in the words of the wise Mr. Beaver...

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

Words

God spoke words, real, heavy words. Word that had the power to create. Words that had mass, flavor, grace and love infused into them. 

A light pierced through the darkness and as the words tumbled from a benevolent Father and a world was born. A wet planet emerged with pieces of land springing up to break up the endless oceans, and then the Father began to create poetry. And from the poem rich green grass began to sweep over the empty plains, giant trees broke through the earth heavily laden with sweet fruits and lilies appeared with their snowy white petals. 

And the Father smiled and began to sing and as the song began, a flaming orb of fire was born with a small dusty sphere to reflect and soften its blazing light, then galaxies  began their spinning waltz, stars blazed to life, and the Father was pleased. 

The song continued and dolphins began to leap from the depths of the sea, giant squid lurked in the bottom, and shimmering microscopic creatures lay on the surface of the waters. 

A new line was started and the sparrows hopped across the ground, an albatross glided through the air, and an eagle soared in the heavens. 

With the final verse elephants began trumpeting their praise, wolves howled, and otters began to play their games. 

Then the Father paused and began a story. Dust leaped to attention and began to twist and swirl. Bones took shape; the framework that muscles began to bind to along with tendons, sinew, eyes unseeing were formed, hands fashioned with love, feet to carry the weight, a heart was carefully woven, a mind with the potential to create set just above the eyes, and silent lungs lay unmoving. And the Father smiled, leaned in close and breathed. 

Here is the bad news: I am imperfect. I lie sometimes, to both myself and others. I am inpatient and unkind far more often than I would prefer. I worry about the future instead of remembering all I have is the present. My heart wanders and my faith is shaky at best. I love myself more than others. I often forget truth and then I believe lies over and over again. And to top it all off I cast judgments out as if I am the ultimate authority and I lean towards self-righteous often. I was dead and now I'm alive, but I often forget that... However all is not lost for here is the good news: Jesus loves me and is awfully fond of me despite my foibles and failures, mess ups and mistakes. And here is the incredible thing, when amidst sobs I gave up trying to be good, finally shed the mask of trying to appear like I had it all together, and just started running after Him who loved me no matter what... much to my amazement I got better anyways. Grace, is not a past tense verb for me. Yes, amazing grace saved me, but the astonishing truth is that grace is saving me still. I was blind and I do now see, but only in part because daily I wake up and see new things hidden in plain sight all around me. Hourly, I have to remind myself to peel back the old, cynical, adult scales that cover my eyes, rip and slash through the cynical hide that threatens to cloak my heart and see the glory that surrounds me. And then I notice the way sunlight plays on the water like a hundred impish frolicking fairies, the way the trees bend in the wind like they are just longing for the freedom to chase after it, I can revel in the resplendent sunshine that warms my soul as well as my skin, see the dandelions as the pieces of sunshine that they are, lay down in the thick cool shade of a towering oak to rest and remember that I am a child who is greatly loved and I often I take myself much too seriously, and then, then I smile.