Muddled Thoughts.

So It's been forever peoples.

Words seem to come and go these days...

There is so much I think I have to say--but then when I sit to write, I can't seem to form a coherent sentence.

Words that use to flow so easily from my head onto paper (or the keyboard) seem to be unable to find themselves out of my head.

I feel different these days.

I feel older?

pessimistic?

jaded?

At least some days. lol

Is this what growing up does to you?

I keep thinking that I can fix everything. Well not everything but alot of stuff and the more and more I live life--the more I find I can't.

The more I discover that this earth is crying because all is not well the more it makes me ache for heaven.

//Give me rules, I will break them

Show me lines, I will cross them//

The more I watch relationships between broken sinful people the more it makes me long for everything to be made new.

//Give me words, I’ll misuse them
Obligations, I’ll misplace them//

The more I find out about myself the more that I try to "fix" myself. And inevitably I find that I can't fix myself--so then I try to fix that I can't fix myself and you can about imagine how well that works out for me.

//I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet//

I think--and this is really hard for me to admit to myself--but I have thought for so so so long that I can fix myself. And still deep down I think I can.

//It's gotta be

More like falling in love than something to believe in
More like losing my heart than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out, come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling in love//

Don't misunderstand I "know" that I can't without God and that He is the only one that can truly change and fix me. But I think that somehow someway that I can do the right then if I just try hard enough I can do it. It's so hard to let go of control isn't it? Or at least what we perceive as being in our control.

//‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free//

I want to be free. Really truly and utterly free.

//Deeper and deeper
It was love that made me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me//

Jesus help me please. Break me down and make me new.