Honestly.

I was not in a good place last night.

So I had a bit of yelling match with the Creator of the Universe.

This is NOT how I pictured my life. Not what I pictured when I imagined God's plan for my life. This is NOT the path that I imagined myself walking--nor is it one that I ever wanted to walk.

And I hear God say--
"You're the one who said that you wanted to do whatever it is that I called you to."
"But...I thought it meant like moving to Tibet and taking care of little orphaned children! I thought it was something not so senseless!"
"Well it's not. It's to be here right now and it's to walk this out full of My grace, love, forgiveness, and mercy and spilling it on people as you go. This is what I have made you for. This is what I have been preparing you for."
"But this isn't what I want to do... God you want me to walk this out--but honestly I just want to run away--far away."
"I'm sorry but this is bigger than what you want.?

And then I got a picture in my head. A picture of me following behind my Father through huge snow drifts. And the only that I could make it through the massive piles of snow was to walk behind Him in His footprints.

Now-- I know the end of the story kids--but I don't know how I am going to get there--I don't know the details of the journey--and that terrifies me.

I've come up to another bend in this road of my life--and I can't see around the bend. There seem to be alot of hairpin turns in my life right now.

And part of me wants to just stand right where I am frozen--staring at that frightening bend.

And the other part of me wants to run with my might in the opposite direction.

Because around the bend could be more pain and sorrow--it could break my heart. And I don't know how much more my heart can take.

But I'm going to do it. I'm not going to stand frozen--I'm not going to book it and high tail in it in the opposite direction.

I'm going to walk this out. One foot in front of another. One day at a time.

I'm sure there will be tears. pain. and heart break.

But this is the world we live in. The broken, wailing, and lost world.

And it's full of broken, wailing and lost people. And broken lost people--well they hurt other people.

It's how it is this side of heaven. And it sucks. It sucks so bad.

But my home isn't here anyways.

And sometimes the pain is a good reminder of that.

So everyone--here is to the crooked path that is our lives. Lets walk it out.

Songs that have been a healing balm to my soul right now.

Feels like the hurricane has come,
Feels like this ship is sinking,
These skies have seem they are empty of your mercy tonight,
Sometimes the mystery of grace runs deeper then I am thinking,
In the dark I find your light,

When I am over my head yeah,
I am waiting for a miracle,
I am fighting the wind and the waves,
Then the weight of this storm drives me straight to your arms,
You hold me I know that I am safe in the eye of the hurricane,
In the eye of the hurricane.

Sometimes I am crying for relief,
God let this night be over,
One word if you would speak could silence the storm,
Instead your mercy has a way of turning heart ache to faith,
So that hope will be reborn,

When I am too weak to make it through,
That's when you draw me close to you,
One thing that I know is always true,
That your love doesn't change,

-Eye of the Hurricane

You said You'd never leave or forsake me
When You said this life is gonna shake me
And You said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
This I know

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on

When I see the darkness all around me
When I see that tragedy has found me
I still believe Your faithful arms will never let me go
And still I know

Sorrow will last for the night
But hope is rising with the sun
It's rising with the sun
And there will be storms in this life
But I know You have overcome
You have overcome

--Everything Falls

Take the wind from my sail
Throw the anchor over my rails
Cause I know I'm not always the quickest to concede
When it's best that I fail
Don't let my will prevail
Cause my salvation is my magnificent defeat

--Hold me Back

You might be the wife, waiting up at night
You might be the man, struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless
Maybe you're the son, who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl, thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, oh what everybody's asking

You're worth it, you can’t earn it
yeah the cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

--Someone Worth Dying For

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
When I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love

--Lift me Up

I lost count of the ways you let me down
But no matter how many times you weren’t around
I’m all right now

God picked up my heart and helped me through
And shined a light on the one thing left to do
And that’s forgive you
I forgive you

7 times 70 times
If that’s the cost I’ll pay the price
7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

--7x70

I know it seems
Like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares
You have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far
And His grace will lead you home

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He has still got the whole world in His hands

--Arms that Hold the Universe