Thoughts

 People always say, ‘I don’t know where the Lord is leading me.’ I always say, it don’t really make a whole lot of difference. The important thing is to be where he has led you to already. 

– Rich Mullins

My job is simply to be faithful with what is right in front of my face and trust in God's goodness and that He is leading me through the crazy chapters that are my life and that even when all I see is fog of confused aims and the broken shards of a life He's got it all under control.

So I submitted my American Lit paper just in the nick of time and I fell asleep this afternoon...((whoops))... I am therefore not sleepy at all and have words that are bumping and ideas that are bumping around my head and I need to wait for my laundry to finish...so I write because...I am horrible at it but I like it, so you all will just have to deal. lol

So!

Three things.

1. I am going to try to embrace and enjoy the journey that is life and not try and over analyze and figure everything out. (this is where my friends start laughing at me)
2. I'm going to not worry about where God is leading me anymore and what is going to come next or what I need to do.
3. I am going to be frustrated because tomorrow I am going to forget this and I am going to over analyze something that someone says then I am going to try and figure out the mystery that is life. And after that I'm going to spread out all my options that I have and start worrying about what I need to do next. (lol)

Why do I have such horrible short term memory when it comes to these sorts of things?

Just last week I was in a bit of a funk for the better part of the week all because I started worrying about stupid crap (that I know better than to worry about) then I get frustrated because I know better- but I still do it. I had a come to Jesus moment on Friday and scrambled out of the little ditch that I managed to dive bomb into. I reminded myself for the umpteenth time that I am loved just as I and not as I should be and that if people don't like me because of me--it is ok. God. is. enough. always. That I don't need to know everything and He can be trusted to handle my life---therefore I have nothing to be concerned about lol

And now I'm going to go crash, goodnight to all of you wonderful people.

The end.

I love blue.

“To know God is to be free of the incessant need to understand exactly what he is doing before you place confidence in him.”- Joni Eareckson Tada

Confession

All my life I have struggled.

I struggle with feeling unqualified and never feeling adequate. Comparison is the monster that has stalked me and stolen much of the joy that is to be had out of life. I want to be as smart as X, as pretty as Y, as kind as H, ect ect ect. I want to be perfect and I get so frustrated when I always fall short of that standard.

It's only been for the past couple years that I have been able to look at myself and appreciate my quirkiness and enjoy just being Ming.

So my people I am going to be unashamedly myself. Ming-Wai Marie Ng. And if you don't like me because of that...well then it will probably bother the heck out of me and drive me crazy (because that is who I am)--but slowly I will learn that you do not define who I am and that is ok. 

So here we go...

My name is Ming and I am quirky and rather altogether strange.

I am a character in a most epic story and I pray that I play my part well and to the best of my ability.

I love Jesus and am a Christian but am deeply saddened by the way individuals use religion as a weapon to hurt people.

I love stories and books. I am supremely happy walking the aisles of a used bookstore and running my fingers along the spines of dearly loved volumes.

I over analyze everything.

I simultaneously love people and can't stand them sometimes.

Music is something that I run to when I feel like I'm falling.

I drink tea and not coffee because I do not want to become dependent of caffeine.

My desire is to not care much for stuff. Ie. If my car gets a scratch in it or gets wrecked -- life will still be ok. If my house burns or a flood sweeps it away -- at the end of the day they are only material things. May I constantly remind myself that people should always take priority.

I'd rather someone think I am somewhat smart than pretty.

I don't think I'm ugly but I realize I'm no Victoria Secret model and I'm really ok with that--there are more important things in life.

I love being outdoors and beautiful weather makes my heart sing.

Reese peanut butter cups are my favorite chocolate candy.

I will do anything for my friends.

I am too loyal and trust too easily.

I think carrying around a purse that is worth more money than I would ever carry in it is stupid lol but I do realize that I am weird and don't judge people who do lol

I just want a purse big enough to carry a book around in.

I love beauty and try often to let myself be swept away in the wonder of it all.

Love is a beautiful thing.

I like salty snacks more than candy.

Being in the woods is cathartic for me.

I sponsor four adorable children through Compassion International and I adore them.

I am a very opinionated person but hate making people upset so I keep quiet about my opinions sometimes.

I love working in health care and taking care of people even if it drives me crazy.

I am extremely indecisive and over think everything.

Good conversation and good food make me happy.

I love that the Bible is scandelous

I love flowers.

I would be very happy with a day to just putter around the house by myself with a book and my thoughts to get lost in.

I love people but I am very capable of entertaining myself.

I love that I can't put God in a box but it is incredibly frustrating to me at the same time.

This morning I was walking to my car on my way to have breakfast with my grandparents when I heard a woodpecker, I stopped for a moment to enjoy it and marvel that there are birds who hammer holes in trees.

Wonder surrounds me--I fight to keep my eyes open to it and not become blind.

My desire is that money not get a hold of my life.

I want to be the widow with two mites rather than the rich young ruler.

I love to drink the beauty of a sunset.

I love children.

Hanging around with children reminds me the world still hums with magic.

C.S. Lewis, Brant Hansen, Francis Chan, Lanie George, my Mom, N.D. Wilson, Andrew Peterson, Jason Gray have all influenced the way I view the world and I am forever grateful to them.

I believe that laughter is some of the best medicine in the world.

I would rather wear something comfortable than dress up.

Joy is something that is obtainable regardless of your circumstances.

Love, grace and mercy are what keep this world spinning.

Words are like food to me sometimes and I greatly admire people who can spin words to do their bidding.

Bam. 

There you go--me in a very small nutshell. Love me or hate me. I am not normal and I am ok with it...kinda. lol Thank you all for putting up with me--your friendship is very much appreciated and valued :)

Alive

 

After grabbing breakfast with Tyler, I was going to head home...but my spirits were too high, the sunshine was sparkling too brightly, music was playing too loudly, the sky was too clear, and furthermore the day was much too young to start on American Lit homework.

I therefore did the only sensible thing, I kept driving...for an hour I glided along the country roads back behind my place of residence.

These are the things that made me happy, that I thought about, and that I was grateful for.

And I am not even going to try and make this follow a coherent thought pattern because it did not exist in my head this morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Out of 8 million other people that could have been-I am here. I am character that was breathed to life to play a small part for a short time in this epic Story--I am overwhelmingly thankful. May I play my part well.

I love

Barren trees reaching their spindly branches into a clear blue sky

Rolling pastures with white fences winding around the perimeter with horses grazing peacefully

Houses made of stone.

Old grave yards with trees hanging low around the stones.

The way the cold air bites at your skin when you roll the windows down

Being alive.

I believe in theory that prayer works--but I have a hard time believing and grasping that my prayers make any difference at all.

I am so incredibly thankful that God loves me too much to give me what I ask for when He knows what is best for me.

There have been times that I grasped at God and for faith with hands of full of pain and confusion. I have begged for clarity in the midst of senslessness.

And now I can laugh because I know that He is faithful, and I am loved beyond measure. SLOWLY I am learning that I do not need clarity-- I am learning that trust is better.

How incredibly boring would it be if in every book you read the characters always knew what was going to happen to them? This is why I do not need to know.

I have an amazing family, the best friends in the entire world, and I love the people that I have the pleasure of working with at the hospital.

I want to drink deeply from the cup that is life--the joy and the pain. 

Only Steven James could write a book that would make me go research quantum physics and quantum entaglement. Maybe when Jesus tells us to watch our thoughts...He knows more than we do-it's an amazing but yet sobering thought. 

I long for the day when I get to hear the words, "Further up and further in!"

Life is an awfully grand adventure.

Boom.

I had an Epiphany.

So driving alone for longer than 40 minutes is a dangerous thing for me. I start to think...

I had an epiphany while driving to a bridal shower today. I'm sitting in the car driving down the road listening to some song and this thought flashes through my mind.

My life makes too much freaking sense. (except I didn't think the word freaking)

And I froze.

You know what--if God doesn't exist--my life still looks ok.

I'm one of the most sensible people I know and this scares me.

Paul said that if the good news of Jesus isn't true we are to be pitied--but not me. You wouldn't pity me because my life still looks good.

I have a great job. I have thousands in the bank. I save 75% of my pay check for a "rainy" day. I plan extraordinarily well and am super self-sufficient. I eliminate trusting God out of the equation. I try not to cuss, I don't sleep around, I don't get wasted, and I go to church. I'm all about balance, moderation and planning.

I've been saved from the pits of hell for this?

All the things I've ever read start to flash through my brain.

I am terrified that I am the rich young ruler and not Zaccheus. I am afraid I am the Pharisee and not the woman who gave her very last coins. Francis Chan messages and Brant Hansen's article on loving with abandon and giving recklessly start to crowd about in my head and I realize I can't live like this anymore.

I admire people who give it all and live with abandon--but then I realized--what is keeping me from living like that?

I'm saving money when I could be giving a child a chance to go to school? A chance to walk again? 

If I truly believe what I say I believe--then my life doesn't make sense.

If I say that I believe the Bible--my life doesn't make sense.

I say that I believe what Jesus says but has it really changed how I live?

Well no longer kids. I'm over these shenanigans--I believe and I'm going to start living like I actually believe what Jesus says.

First I'm going to ditch this money that's holding me back. And I know, I know, money isn't evil--but the love of money is and I so dearly love to watch my saving account grow--it gives me such a wonderful feeling of false security. And I like that people think I'm responsible because I do it. So we are going to get rid of that.

I'm done talking about giving it my all and about how Jesus means more to me than anything. I'm going to freaking do something about this.

I'm done talking about living--I'm actually going to live in a reckless and crazy way. Because I actually believe that God will come through for me.

I use to pray God take it all but in the back of my head I was always thinking about the things that I didn't really want him to take like don't take my sight or my leg or my ability to take care of myself.

But I'm done with the disclaimers.

Take it all from me--my money, my health, my family, my life. I've got something worth so so much more.

I have nothing to fear. I am all in.

And I am going to have a blast doing this :)

When I am tired and annoyed I write things that I will probably delete in the morning.

Horrible things happen, people choose to hurt people, people choose to kill people and people choose to hate people.

This has happened from nearly the very beginning of time when Cain chose to kill his brother because he was overwhelmed with envy and it has continued to happen all though-out history and it continues to happen today.

It would be nice if there were easy answers. It would be nice if we could find logical explanations as to why people do what they do--because then we could fix it. Sometimes there is no answer, sometimes there is no fix. Pain and sorrow is woven into the very threads of this world, right alongside beauty and joy. Everyone dies at some point, when the people we love are ripped from our lives and our grasp it feels wrong, like life wasn't meant to end like this--that we were meant for so much more.

And now I am digressing away from the point I am going to try to make... My point is that as Christians we like to play this game too--we like to try to find sense in the senseless. Try to find a reason for the madness that seems to surround us in times of pain. But I would protest this and think that we should stop.

I am tired of these type of statements-- "This is what happens when a nation turns away from God." "Take God out of the schools and this is what you get" ect ect ad nauseum. 

Really? 

"Well Ming, we didn't have to worry about people shooting kids in school back in the day..." 

"When I was in school this sort of thing didn't happen..."

No, back in the day people hung people from trees because they had a different shade of skin. 

Back in the day protestant burned women at the stake for being suspected of witchcraft.

Back in the day William Tyndale was strangled and then burned for translating the Bible so people could read it.

Back in the day the Holocaust happened and millions of Jewish, special needs, and homosexuals--were all murdered.

Back in the day Nero was throwing people in jail and feeding them to the lions.

Back in the day John Calvin tortured and killed people because they didn't agree with him of matters of the faith.

Back in the day...you get the idea.

This world we live in though beautiful-is still a painful and messed up place.

Like I said before beauty and joy are a part of the tapestry of our lives--but sorrow and pain are woven along side as well.

Yes, the world today is messed up--but from what I can gather since the moment that our kind craved the knowledge of good and evil it has been that way.

Don't hear what I'm not saying--I'm not saying that I don't think that students should be allowed to pray or that we should take God out of everything. All I'm saying is that even if the government mandated that schools begin with prayer and that Christianity should be our country's "religion" bad things would still happen. There is no magic formula to cease atrocious things from happening in our world we have woven into the fabric.

So what are we to do? As someone who is in love with the very person and character of Jesus I'm going to try to do what he did--and that is love God and love people. Playing the judge and jury or using "discernment" when it comes to other people comes unfortunately like second nature to me. Loving people not so much... 

What if instead of being known as judgmental we started being known for our love? What if instead of being known for all the things we are against--we became known for all the things that we are for? What if when people hear the term "Christian" they thought about how we care for the widows, orphans and poor, those in prison, the marginalized, those without homes, and the ones that even our society scorns and brushes to the outside--instead of our stances on gay marriage, abortion, drugs, alcohol, ect. What if we became known for our incredible grace, forgiveness and love? And what if we became known for that not because we have an agenda or because we are on a quest to change society--but because we actually loved people because of who they are...?

Now this is simply my own opinion and I could be wrong. I am only 22 and what I believe today will not be exactly what I believe in 5 years, that I can assure you-- so before telling me how incredibly wrong I am and how I need to be "legislating other people's morality and that grace and love are all good and fine in moderation but that we need to use discernment" and before getting defensive and mad at me--just know I realize that I am by no means the ultimate authority on this subject and these are just the crazy thoughts that run through my head at midnight when I have to get up at 5:50 ;)

But as always if I said anything to upset or offend anyone--or you do think I am totally wacko; please let me know I would very very much appreciate it :)

Love you all--goodnight and farewell 

"There's nothing new about evil. This is our world, as it was, as it is, but not how it shall ever be." -Brant Hansen