Saturday, September 3, 2011

One of those days.

[this is not how my head normally is--I promise I am not a severely depressed person lol--it's just that I most feel like writing when I feel this way]

There are days that I am tired.

Tired of faith.
Tired of hope.
Tired of dreams.
Tired of caring.

This is not my normal state of being--but every once in a while this thought pattern rears it's ugly stinking head.

There are days that I feel like a rock that keeps getting beaten by towering ocean waves over and over and over again.

And there are days that even the knowledge that God is using those waves to soften my jagged hard edges is not enough to sooth my aching heart and soul.

I was driving down the road the other day. Listening to DCB.

Send me a sign
A hint, a
Throw me a line
'Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me to life
'Cause I am fading

Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel love
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

Blaring ^^ that song. And it's funny because it completely captured how I felt at that moment in time. With just a touch more bitterness and anger in my heart. Actually it was more like me screaming at the heavens telling God that I really need him bad.

There is so much pain in this world. So much suffering. So much nonsense.

People are just stupid.

Did you know that?

They make stupid decisions that hurt themselves and others.

And I do it too.

Words spoken to quickly. A decision to hold on to wrongs instead of forgiving lavishly.

These are the days that I feel about this | tall and about worth as much as dirt.

I feel as though God is sitting up there in the clouds with His head buried in His hands thinking that I will never learn and get it.

The Gospel seems to good to be true.

Omnipotent being wrapped in the form of a human. Coming to rescue me. Revive me. Love me.
The good news that the Kingdom is here. right. now.
That God is not counting my sins against me. Shocking grace. Scandalous forgiveness.

I hate my head sometimes.

How am I suppose to enter the Kingdom of God as a child when I was born with the freaking head of an adult.?

I believe but help my unbelief is what I shouting at the heavens right now.