Friday, June 24, 2011

Ahhhhhhh why do I have to be serious.

Most of the time I am quite alright with being me-nerdy pensive serious clumsy tall thoughtful quiet.

But every once in a while I become a complete stereotypical girl and the doubts and insecurities come sweeping in riding on the waves of my sometimes unstable emotions.

And for a while I wish I was like (fill in the blank) about (any number of things).

Oh well....

Monday, June 20, 2011

Take the wind from my sail
Throw the anchor over my rails
Cause I know I'm not always the quickest to concede
When it's best that I fail
Don't let my will prevail
Cause my salvation is my magnificent defeat

Love this.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I think I would be friends with Jason Gray...

I'm tired of the sound of my own voice
And I'm weary of adding to the noise
And I'm fearful of missing the point of it all

I remember the way it used to be
The way this love felt like the first day of spring
And I want this back more than anything in the world

It's as cold as winter in my veins
And I long to feel the summer rain
Can you take me back to where it all began?

Jesus I come, come to you again
Just like it was the first time
I came to you for new life
I need you now, as much as I did then
I need a new beginning
So Jesus I am coming
For the first time again

I'm jaded from all that I have seen
I'm bitter, but I don't want to be
I'm believing, can you help my unbelief?

Sometimes I think I know too much
But even then it's not enough
Can you take me back so I can move ahead?

Take me deep inside the grace that forgets
Instead of down the well worn path of my regrets
I'm older than I've ever been
Can you take me back and make me new again?

Cause I need you now, as much as I did then...

I love this song so much.

It puts words to the feelings that I have had so many times...

Cause I feel like the older I become--the more I should be able to figure this out.
The more I should be able to "fix" myself.

I forget so easily how the kingdom of God works.

Everything is backwards there...

The weaker are really stronger...
The poor are the rich...
When you embrace death is when you truly live...
When you hold on to everything is when you lose it all...
Only when you let go do you gain everything...
The longer I live--the more I will find I need God...

God help me. Take me deep into the love that forgets.

Cause--I need you as much as I did then...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy

I love that thought.

That everything that happens is part some divine conspiracy.

That even when it seems that everything is falling apart and there couldn't possibly be anything good that could come from our circumstances--that God is behind the scenes weaving a story more breathtaking and beautiful than we could ever imagine.

Even our mistakes. our failings. our sins.

The truth that He is bigger than it all and is conspiring everything for His glory and as Christians our good (his idea of good not ours).

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Muddled Thoughts.

So It's been forever peoples.

Words seem to come and go these days...

There is so much I think I have to say--but then when I sit to write, I can't seem to form a coherent sentence.

Words that use to flow so easily from my head onto paper (or the keyboard) seem to be unable to find themselves out of my head.

I feel different these days.

I feel older?

At least some days. lol

Is this what growing up does to you?

I keep thinking that I can fix everything. Well not everything but alot of stuff and the more and more I live life--the more I find I can't.

The more I discover that this earth is crying because all is not well the more it makes me ache for heaven.

//Give me rules, I will break them
Show me lines, I will cross them//

The more I watch relationships between broken sinful people the more it makes me long for everything to be made new.

//Give me words, I’ll misuse them
Obligations, I’ll misplace them//

The more I find out about myself the more that I try to "fix" myself. And inevitably I find that I can't fix myself--so then I try to fix that I can't fix myself and you can about imagine how well that works out for me.

//I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet//

I think--and this is really hard for me to admit to myself--but I have thought for so so so long that I can fix myself. And still deep down I think I can.

//It's gotta be
More like falling in love than something to believe in
More like losing my heart than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out, come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling in love//

Don't misunderstand I "know" that I can't without God and that He is the only one that can truly change and fix me. But I think that somehow someway that I can do the right then if I just try hard enough I can do it. It's so hard to let go of control isn't it? Or at least what we perceive as being in our control.

//‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free//

I want to be free. Really truly and utterly free.

//Deeper and deeper
It was love that made me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me//

Jesus help me please. Break me down and make me new.