Saturday, January 19, 2013

I had an Epiphany.

So driving alone for longer than 40 minutes is a dangerous thing for me. I start to think...

I had an epiphany while driving to a bridal shower today. I'm sitting in the car driving down the road listening to some song and this thought flashes through my mind.

My life makes too much freaking sense. (except I didn't think the word freaking)

And I froze.

You know what--if God doesn't exist--my life still looks ok.
I'm one of the most sensible people I know and this scares me.

Paul said that if the good news of Jesus isn't true we are to be pitied--but not me. You wouldn't pity me because my life still looks good.

I have a great job. I have thousands in the bank. I save 75% of my pay check for a "rainy" day. I plan extraordinarily well and am super self-sufficient. I eliminate trusting God out of the equation. I try not to cuss, I don't sleep around, I don't get wasted, and I go to church. I'm all about balance, moderation and planning.

I've been saved from the pits of hell for this?

All the things I've ever read start to flash through my brain.

I am terrified that I am the rich young ruler and not Zaccheus. I am afraid I am the Pharisee and not the woman who gave her very last coins. Francis Chan messages and Brant Hansen's article on loving with abandon and giving recklessly start to crowd about in my head and I realize I can't live like this anymore.

I admire people who give it all and live with abandon--but then I realized--what is keeping me from living like that?

I'm saving money when I could be giving a child a chance to go to school? A chance to walk again? 

If I truly believe what I say I believe--then my life doesn't make sense.
If I say that I believe the Bible--my life doesn't make sense.

I say that I believe what Jesus says but has it really changed how I live?

Well no longer kids. I'm over these shenanigans--I believe and I'm going to start living like I actually believe what Jesus says.

First I'm going to ditch this money that's holding me back. And I know, I know, money isn't evil--but the love of money is and I so dearly love to watch my saving account grow--it gives me such a wonderful feeling of false security. And I like that people think I'm responsible because I do it. So we are going to get rid of that.

I'm done talking about giving it my all and about how Jesus means more to me than anything. I'm going to freaking do something about this.

I'm done talking about living--I'm actually going to live in a reckless and crazy way. Because I actually believe that God will come through for me.

I use to pray God take it all but in the back of my head I was always thinking about the things that I didn't really want him to take like don't take my sight or my leg or my ability to take care of myself.
But I'm done with the disclaimers.
Take it all from me--my money, my health, my family, my life. I've got something worth so so much more.

I have nothing to fear. I am all in.
And I am going to have a blast doing this :)