Monday, June 25, 2012

After All.

After All (Holy)
I can't comprehend your infinitely beautiful and perfect love
Oh I've dreamed dreams of majesty as brilliant as a billion stars
But they're never bright enough after all
You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
I will sing a song for you my God with everything I have in me
But it's never loud enough after all
Heaven and earth are full, full of your glory, glory
My soul it overflows full of your glory, your glory
Oh blessed is he who reigns, full of your glory, your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of your glory, your glory
Hosanna we are found after all you are
I can't comprehend
You're infinitely beautiful
I love the music at the beginning of that song.
I drove down the interstate tonight.
Windows down. Hair whipping in my face.
Under a beautiful raincloud filled sky
Singing this song at the top of my lungs.
As tears streamed down my freckled face.
And God whispered that He loved me and that he's got me.
As I probably blew my speakers out to be honest.
It was that loud.
And I'm sure the drivers in the cars next to me where wondering who the mental girl was next to them.
And the song is playing on repeat right now while I lay in bed typing lol
God knows exactly what I need and when I need it.
I needed that song today.
I wanted to listen to another one but got the CD's mixed up.
And I found that one.
I needed to start reading Sailing Between the Stars Saturday night.
Not the book I was looking for and couldn't find.
So I picked up that one.
God knew.
Without God at the center of the universe, without his smile on the edge of dawn, life would be avapor and mirage. But when he's present, all of life becomes drenched with possiblity; every moment become lined with purpose.
The idea that every moment, every life, every encounter could ultimately matter is the mostludicrous and necessary idea in the world. As soon as one life become expendable, all lives become expendable. As soon as one moment doesn't matter for eternity, the meaning of every moment is called into question. But if this moment is from God and for him, nothing is a means to an end. If everyone's destiny matters to Jesus, no one is a means to an end.
When I finally see that, a timelessness sweeps over me, borne of beauty and perspective. I realize, I am small, I am part of this world. I am a thread in a magnificent tapestry.
Life isn't simply a futile journey toward becoming fertilizer; it's a chance to dance toward eternity,hand in hand with the Poet of Time, while his stars, the glimmering jewelry of the night, wink at us from the sky.
Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and see the route up the mountain, it'll all make sense to myhead rather than simply to my heart. Until then I'm caught up in the thrilling romance of dancing with a rugged bridegroom toward the edge of eternity amidst the weird dreams, bad aim, and indecipherable miracles of life.
I read those parts over and over and over.
God knew that I needed this book in my life now.
I can't see right now.
I don't understand.
And that is ok.
Trust is what God wants from me.
And trust is what I am going to give.
While I stand on my tiptoes
Flinging my arms toward the heavens
And let everything that I've been holding onto fall from my hands.
He's got me kids.
He is never ever ever going to let me go.
And that ladies and gentleman is more than enough reason for me to smile.
God is big enough.
God is beautiful enough.
God is faithful enough.
God is good enough.
God is loving enough.
God is enough for me.
The end kids. The end.

Sunday, June 24, 2012


I learned from a young age that people can never be trusted not to leave you.
Friends come and go.
People lie.
People hurt people.
People use people.
I was about 7 when my best friend would have nothing to do with me because we left the church where they went.
I cried and asked God after praying for a best friend for years He would take her away.
Then the friends closest to me were caught in the middle of a messy divorce and I wasn't on the right "side".
People leave.
Maybe that's why I held on so tight for so long when I knew I should have let go.
I was so terrified that once again I would be left alone.
That no matter how much you love someone--they will leave.
It sucks.
But it's good.

If my life were easy I would never have to lean on God.
Had my friends never left me when I was a kid-I wouldn't know how to deal with this now nearly as well.
Had this not happened now I would not know how strong God really is.

God loves me to much to give me what I want.
And as much as I fight and squirm against His will.
As much as I shout at the heavens screaming for answers to my impossible questions.
At the end of the day...I am thankful.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I never thought that I could ever learn to let it go
Somehow its better when I follow in the paths You show
So I’m here I’m waiting
Cause I believe

This is so me right now.

Also love this song vvvvv

You see all of the pieces 
But I see a life I can mold
You see a bunch of blank pages
But I see potential untold

Before you give up
Before your heart breaks
Open your eyes to this picture of grace, and just

Slow down take a breath in this moment
Leave all the worries you're carrying
Be still in the midst of this madness
Let go of all that you fear 'cause
I've already set your heart freeSo leave all the changing to me

You see the doubt and the questions
But I see the wrestling with faith
You see someone worth nothing
But I see someone I can save
Life is a long road
So hard to follow
You feel like you'll never winJust trust in my loveAnd let me take care of the rest
So you can begin

Monday, June 18, 2012


God is seriously good.
God seriously can be trusted.
God really is faithful.
Jesus loves me.
He has so got this.
He has so got me.
And since He has me.
I have so got this.
I always would say it--and I knew intellectually it was true.
knew it.
But I didn't know it.
Does that make sense?
But it's not an act now.
It's not just words to me anymore.
It's not just head knowledge.
I actually get it.
Took me 3 weeks but I finally got it. lol
I turned a corner.
Truth has finally sunk its way into all the dark corners of my soul.
Filled the empty spaces of my heart.
And it feels so so so so good.
Oh my gosh. lol
I love turning corners.
And I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was.
If I could alter any part of His plan, I could only spoil it. - John Newton
I actually get this now. I don't and wouldn't change anything in my life right now.
Any. Thing.
actually believe that now.
I actually believe that I am not in control.
I actually believe that nothing I do or don't do will change what God wants to happen.
I actually don't need clarity.
I actually don't know to know everything :P
I actually have trust.
I actually believe I can rest.
I actually can and I am enjoying life.
don't know how my life is going to look. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know anything really lol I don't have clarity right now. I don't know all of the next steps of this dance He is taking me on. But! Ican follow. I have trust. I have faith. I have trust in my God's goodness and in unfailing extravagant love for me.
And that my dear dear friends is enough.
Bwha, I am Ming and I got this kids. So bring it.
Because I have so got this :)

Sunday, June 17, 2012


I have turned a corner last night.
Reading my old blog--I realized that I actually love where I am right now.
I wouldn't change a thing.
And I am loving it.
And I'm not just saying it lol I really mean this.

When you keep screaming truth to yourself when lies are being whispered in your ear.
And when you blare music and read things that remind you of truth.
And when people who love you keep pounding it into your head.

One day it sinks in and you actually believe it.

I believed it last night.

I don't care anymore.
I'm not in control.

Insecurty is something that I've battled with my entire life.
And I've decided that I'm going to kick it in the butt once and for all.

By the grace of God-I love who I have turned out to be as "grown-up"
I'm not a fake--I actually believe that God is enough and that I am going to be ok.
I don't need a man. I don't need anything.
Jesus is enough.
And that makes me so so happy.

Even if everyone and their mother tells me that they know the perfect person for me and that I need to go out and date around. I'm good. If I'm meant to be with someone God'll make it happen :) Now mind you I'm not stupid I realize that I could go out and get a boyfriend pretty easily. I'm 21. I have a decent face. I have a nice figure. I'm smart. I have a decent personality. But I'm just not interested lol Boy are more trouble then their worth ;)

Somewhere along they way I thought I'd lost the girl that I use to be.
But I am still her.
I'm not new kids--but I am improved. :)

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway

The Bright Sadness

I thought Bright Sadness sounded suspiciously like the battle cry of the optimist. The donning of rose colored glasses calling out in the night for all to see the bright side of despair. More of a personality flaw than a birthright. Not something I could really get behind as being something tangible. I was wrong, of course. Bright Sadness is not the act of dusting heartache with sugar andglazing bitterness and resentment with a toothy smile. It is having little to do withwistful optimism and everything to do with hope in the light of the truth.
Hope that promises will be kept, that a refuge will hold, that the sun will return, that seasons will change despite the weighty darkness and all evidence to the contrary.

Hope at the center of despair.

The footprints left, when we look back at the most tempestuous season of life, are purposefulorganizedsignificance in the chaos--evidence that we were remembered in our darkest and most vulnerable days.

-Emily (review of The Bright Sadness)

I was and am remember :)
When a miner looks at the rope that is to lower him into the deep mine, he may coolly say, "I have faith in that rope as well made and strong." But when he lays hold of it, and swings down by it into the tremendous chasm, then he is believing on the rope. Then he is trusting himself to the rope. It is not a mere opinion--it is an act. The miner lets go of every thing else, and bears his whole weight on those well braided strands of hemp. Now that is faith.       - Theodore Ledyard Cuyler I want that faith. :)

Saturday, June 16, 2012


I am not always positive kids. lol
I am not always thankful.

There are times that I wake up and darkness fills my soul and I feel like never getting out of bed.
There are times that I am having a good day and then it's like I hit a granite wall and back down the hill I go.

There are times that I scream at the heavens wanting answers.
And have pity parties for myself.
There are times that I just get incredibly tired and weary...

This is just me being honest.

There are times that I wish God would just give me what I want. Not what I need.
There are times that I wish I could just skip to the end of the story.
All the time I wish I didn't see through a glass darkly and could see the whole beautiful picture and not just the tiny piece that I am in.

Thankfully that is not how I always am--and thank GOD that they are getting fewer and farther between (until the next time God trims something from my life :P)

But in those moments when I feel life closing in around me and threatening to stifle every joy out of life.
I am learning that I must push through them.
Sitting in bed and feeling sorry for myself will never do me a lick of good :P

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Writing is Cathartic for Me

Cathartic < yes I just used that correctly. lol
I feel so good.
Lol, I almost feel bad writing that. 
Like maybe I'm a horribly person that can feel this good after just a few weeks of being retardly depressed.

I spin around my room like a little kid listening to my favorite music.
I hang out with my friends.
I go running like my life depends on it.
I crawl into bed and talk for hours to my God.
I sit under the stars and enjoy the very fact that I am alive.
I enjoy hot showers.
And reading.
And books.
And playing my violin (badly) lol

God has a plan for my life.
This I know with every fiber of my being.
It's a truth that echos throughout every corner of my heart.
I don't know what it looks like right now.
And that's ok.
I don't have to know and it's ok.
I look to my past and I see how very faithful God has been to me.
And I know I can trust Him with my present.
And my future.
Because I know whatever He has for me-it will be GOOD.
And I can rest in that.

I can be the little kid that holds her Daddy's hand.
I don't have to know where we are going.
I am just enjoying walking together.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Late Night Ramblings

(Writing is my therapy) (also I hate this freaking cough. lol it's so annoying)

"The skill of the divine potter is an infinite patience of improvisation. No sooner has one work gone awry than his fingers are pressing it into the form of another. There is never a moment for the clay, when the potter is not doing something with it. God is never standing back and watching us; his fingers are on us all the time,"
- Austin Farrer

I am learning that when God's fingers are pressed deeply into my life and molding me it is not always what I want. But it is always what I need.
I'm still figuring this out.

2 Corinthians 4-7
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
"The Potter reveals His grace; through broken jars."

Worship was fantastic this morning. I believe this kids. 
I'm rooted in something so much deeper than another person.
I was happy and enjoyed life before him, I was happy and enjoyed life with him, and I am happy and enjoy life without him.
I am ok. And it is such a good feeling.

I am not responsible for how anyone other than myself handles this.
I am responsible for how I handle this.
I am responsible for me. My choices. My life.
And I am going to use this for good.
I am going to press up close to the heart of my God.
I am going to start dancing with freedom.I am going to enjoy being single and do things that I probably will never get the chance to do again lol
I am going to start playing violin, go on roadtrips by myself (shhh don't tell my mom yet ;)), and invest in my amazing friends.
I am not going to waste this sitting on my butt and being depressed.
(even if I was acting like a retard at first lol :P)
That would not acting true to who I am.

Now mind you I'm not going to go to Vegas and go crazy either cause that wouldn't be true to who I am either lol 

I am a child of a King and dearly deeply loved. :)

Don't get me wrong there are times where my emotions get a hold of me and I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure and pain.
If only I were more attractive.
If only I were more outgoing.
If only I were more like the other girls.
If only.
What then?
What if?

I turn and run to my God and I remind myself that He's got it all under control. And that He's always been faithful to me. And that I can trust Him that he will finish the job.

I don't have and never have been in control.

And my grip on my life starts to loosen a little bit again.

And I remember that I am free.
I am free to be me.
Who cares who doesn't like it.
And that knowledge makes me smile for real. 
I really do love my life.
I am surrounded by amazingly fantastic people.

Saturday, June 2, 2012


It has never been my life, I have never owned any time, and God has never called me to fit him in. To live is Christ, and to die is gain, and until we give up this foolish notion that we have anything of our own to give we will never have the radical impact that true Christians have. It’s not about what we can give. It’s about what we haven’t given yet. What we haven’t yet dragged to the altar and made into a living sacrifice. The true Christian life isn’t something you do, it’s something you are. And I’m tired of trying to have my cake and eat it too.

We've all got places in our life where we know we need to change. And these aren't confusing changes, they're just places where we decided the road got a little uncomfortable, or we just ran out of time, so we built a little tent on the side of the road. For some of us, that tent has become a mansion. And for me, it's time to move out.



Sometimes I don't have words.

Sometimes I think I have them but they dissapear by the time my hands hit a keyboard.

There are some feelings in the world that can't be captured by mere scratches on a paper.

Like a picture of the Grand Canyon they try and capture the breathtaking beauty and majesty of it. But every picture falls short of experiencing the real thing.

I try and capture those elusive emotions. 

I can't describe how I feel tonight. And that's hard for me to admit.