Sunday, December 16, 2012

When I am tired and annoyed I write things that I will probably delete in the morning.


Horrible things happen, people choose to hurt people, people choose to kill people and people choose to hate people.

This has happened from nearly the very beginning of time when Cain chose to kill his brother because he was overwhelmed with envy and it has continued to happen all though-out history and it continues to happen today.

It would be nice if there were easy answers. It would be nice if we could find logical explanations as to why people do what they do--because then we could fix it. Sometimes there is no answer, sometimes there is no fix. Pain and sorrow is woven into the very threads of this world, right alongside beauty and joy. Everyone dies at some point, when the people we love are ripped from our lives and our grasp it feels wrong, like life wasn't meant to end like this--that we were meant for so much more.

And now I am digressing away from the point I am going to try to make... My point is that as Christians we like to play this game too--we like to try to find sense in the senseless. Try to find a reason for the madness that seems to surround us in times of pain. But I would protest this and think that we should stop.

I am tired of these type of statements-- "This is what happens when a nation turns away from God." "Take God out of the schools and this is what you get" ect ect ad nauseum. 

Really? 

"Well Ming, we didn't have to worry about people shooting kids in school back in the day..." 
"When I was in school this sort of thing didn't happen..."

No, back in the day people hung people from trees because they had a different shade of skin. 
Back in the day protestant burned women at the stake for being suspected of witchcraft.
Back in the day William Tyndale was strangled and then burned for translating the Bible so people could read it.
Back in the day the Holocaust happened and millions of Jewish, special needs, and homosexuals--were all murdered.
Back in the day Nero was throwing people in jail and feeding them to the lions.
Back in the day John Calvin tortured and killed people because they didn't agree with him of matters of the faith.
Back in the day...you get the idea.

This world we live in though beautiful-is still a painful and messed up place.
Like I said before beauty and joy are a part of the tapestry of our lives--but sorrow and pain are woven along side as well.

Yes, the world today is messed up--but from what I can gather since the moment that our kind craved the knowledge of good and evil it has been that way.
Don't hear what I'm not saying--I'm not saying that I don't think that students should be allowed to pray or that we should take God out of everything. All I'm saying is that even if the government mandated that schools begin with prayer and that Christianity should be our country's "religion" bad things would still happen. There is no magic formula to cease atrocious things from happening in our world we have woven into the fabric.

So what are we to do? As someone who is in love with the very person and character of Jesus I'm going to try to do what he did--and that is love God and love people. Playing the judge and jury or using "discernment" when it comes to other people comes unfortunately like second nature to me. Loving people not so much... 

What if instead of being known as judgmental we started being known for our love? What if instead of being known for all the things we are against--we became known for all the things that we are for? What if when people hear the term "Christian" they thought about how we care for the widows, orphans and poor, those in prison, the marginalized, those without homes, and the ones that even our society scorns and brushes to the outside--instead of our stances on gay marriage, abortion, drugs, alcohol, ect. What if we became known for our incredible grace, forgiveness and love? And what if we became known for that not because we have an agenda or because we are on a quest to change society--but because we actually loved people because of who they are...?


Now this is simply my own opinion and I could be wrong. I am only 22 and what I believe today will not be exactly what I believe in 5 years, that I can assure you-- so before telling me how incredibly wrong I am and how I need to be "legislating other people's morality and that grace and love are all good and fine in moderation but that we need to use discernment" and before getting defensive and mad at me--just know I realize that I am by no means the ultimate authority on this subject and these are just the crazy thoughts that run through my head at midnight when I have to get up at 5:50 ;)

But as always if I said anything to upset or offend anyone--or you do think I am totally wacko; please let me know I would very very much appreciate it :)
Love you all--goodnight and farewell 

"There's nothing new about evil. This is our world, as it was, as it is, but not how it shall ever be." -Brant Hansen

Saturday, October 27, 2012

I have words tonight


At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me. -Clyde Kilby

**** italicized words unfortunately are not my own but Classic Crime lyrics 

I was to young to know the difference
I was just following orders
When the glass shattered around me
I learned a good lesson about my disorder

So I went on an hour long walk at the magic time that is twilight under a sky painted shades of blue, pink and purple.
And I listened to music (mostly Glass Houses on repeat), spun around, laughed, marveled at life, stood in awe, and thought.
I thought about how crazy this year has been, how drastically different my life is, how much I have changed over the course of my life, and how I wouldn't change a single thing.

I thought I was happy
I said all the right things
I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink
But it did

I thought about how I finally am becoming comfortable with who I am--imperfections and all.
As I waded through leaves that were ankle deep and the brisk night air wrapped itself around me--
I thought about how I really do believe with all of my being in this God who is not safe but who is good.
I realized that above all else I want Him.
Wreck my life--take away everything and I still will have more than I ever need because I have found Jesus.
He has blindsided me with his audacious, wild, deep, bold, reckless and ridiculous love that is so incredibly different than the way I love.

Somewhere deep down you know the difference
Between love and following orders
But if the chorus I sing is offensive
It's proof that you've yet to address your disorder

I have discovered the secret to happiness and joy regardless of the circumstances that may surround me.
No matter what people do--no matter who lets me down--I will be totally ok.
And I mean that.
I can walk through life with the joy of a child who trusts her father to take care of her.I don't have to worry about anything
I can stand in awe at the beauty in life.
I can love generously and live without fear. 
I can delight in the wind that feels like it is going to sweep me away, the sound that crisp leaves make when I wade through them, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning, and how good it feels to laugh and smile.
I can be ok with the fact that I am strange and embrace who God has created me to be.
I am imperfect but I am loved perfectly.
And that is enough for me.

Grace comes to those who wait
Comes to those who pray
Through tears they'll sing
We'll all sing

Looking Up is Good for My Soul


At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me. -Clyde Kilby

**** italicized words unfortunately are not my own but Classic Crime lyrics 

I was to young to know the difference
I was just following orders
When the glass shattered around me
I learned a good lesson about my disorder

So I went on an hour long walk at the magic time that is twilight this evening-- under a sky painted shades of blue, pink and purple.
I listened to music (mostly Glass Houses on repeat), spun around, laughed, marveled at life, stood in awe, and thought.
I thought about how crazy this year has been, how drastically different my life looks versus how I always pictured it turning out, how much I have changed over the course of my life, and how I wouldn't change a single thing.

I thought I was happy
I said all the right things
I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink
But it did

I thought about how I finally am becoming comfortable with who I am--imperfections and all.
As I waded through leaves that were ankle deep and the brisk night air wrapped itself around me--
I thought about how I really do believe with all of my being in this God who is not safe but who is good.
I realized that above all else I want Him.
Wreck my life--take away everything and I still will have more than I ever need because I have found Jesus.
He has blindsided me with his audacious, wild, deep, bold, reckless and ridiculous love that is so incredibly different than the way I love.

Somewhere deep down you know the difference
Between love and following orders
But if the chorus I sing is offensive
It's proof that you've yet to address your disorder

I have discovered the secret to happiness and joy regardless of the circumstances that may surround me.
No matter what people do--no matter who lets me down--I will be totally ok.
And I mean that.
I can walk through life with the joy of a child who trusts her father to take care of her.I don't have to worry about anything
I can stand in awe at the beauty in life.
I can love generously and live without fear. 
I can delight in the wind that feels like it is going to sweep me away, the sound that crisp leaves make when I wade through them, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning, and how good it feels to laugh and smile.
I can be ok with the fact that I am strange and embrace who God has created me to be.
I am imperfect but I am loved perfectly.
And that is enough for me.
:)

Grace comes to those who wait
Comes to those who pray
Through tears they'll sing
We'll all sing

Monday, October 22, 2012

“Real freedom is freedom from the opinions of others. Above all, freedom from your opinions about yourself.”
-Brennan Manning

I love this quote. I know that it is so true for my life. 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Forgot to turn off my "time to leave my car and go into work" alarm last night so 0638 I am rudely awakened by a blaring noise to the right of my head and the first thought that flashes through my head as I blearily open my eyes, "It's awfully dark outside to be 8:15..." Oppps.
Though waking up at 6:40 on a Saturday morning is not typically how I enjoy spending my weekend--it worked out. I finished reading Opening Moves I started it on Tuesday so it was about time that I finished ;)
Then I went running upon stepping outside into the crisp morning air and seeing the whispers of fall as the sun filters through a veil of leaves that are on the cusp of turning brilliant reds, oranges, and yellows I realized once again being outside is good for my soul. As music echoed through my headphones and reverberated through my head I came to the realization once again that I am incredibly fortunate and God is so so ridiculously good.
And I decided in that moment what I want my life to be characterized by--I want to live a life that is known by infectious joy and I want to live as if I hold the secret to a meaningful life that everyone is searching for, because I am. I want to live as if I really get that I am forgiven, free, and deeply loved.

And I also came to the realization that I am still the 17 year old girl that I use to be--I have changed but I am still the same in the ways that matter most. And that relieves me.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Today was super long and I am exhausted.
There is my one sentence.
Ha.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Goals I am making for myself.
Write daily even if only a sentence.
Run once a day if I work--twice a day if I am off--even if it is only for 10 mins.
Grow in patience.
Become ok with the fact that I don't know what my future holds (and stop trying to figure it out)
Finally come to terms with the fact that I am 22 years old...
Whattttttttt

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I am thankful for bad days at work because they help me appreciate the good days all that much more.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again

----------------------------

Take it.


And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love, love, love
Burning in my heart

Take my life, take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You
Take my heart, take all that I have
Jesus, how I adore You
----------------------------------------------
I love this song so much. 
It's the song I turned on this morning as I threw open the windows open and basked in the fall sunshine. 
Threw my arms around and spun around the room and begged God to do this with my life. I want so desperately to be surrendered completely to walk to the heartbeat of Jesus. Yet, honestly it terrifies me as well because...I don't know exactly what that looks like for me and I like having a plan.
Loving people is hard. It runs counterintuitive to my natural state of mind. Most of the time I am very very me focused and it's hard to break that cycle.

And sometimes I want to wait until I feel loving before I love...But I am learning that when I love the feelings follow and that I can't sit around and wait for something as finicky as feelings. 

Case in point a few weeks ago I was taking care of a particularly cranky lady who I just couldn't crack and I am typically good at getting people to at least kinda sorta like me but this lady was not about to like anyone and had nothing but complaints and just wanted more and more pain medication. And then one night before I went home I overheard her telling her friend that her "little nurse" was taking her IV morphine because it wasn't helping her at all... So I went in and assured her that I was not taking it--but she just glared at me with her narrowed beady little eyes and said she didn't believe me... So I finally gave up, finished up my charting and went home just mad, discouraged and really really tired. 

And then I had to go back the next day...and I just did my job and tried my best to avoid her room. However, it turned out that I had to take her outside and help her get in the car. So as we stood outside and the breeze played with my hair and I prayed--because I did not love this woman. Borderline tolerance is what I was feeling at this point in our relationship. So even though my heart was warring inside me-- I told her "I am thankful that I got to take care of you and I am glad that I got the chance to meet you and I really hope you have a great recovery." And then I bent down and gave her cranky butt a hug. And to my amazement her beady and critical eyes softened and filled with tears and all of a sudden I saw an old lady who was incredibly lonely and needed love just as much I do. And apologies fell from her thin lips and she begged me understand that she was just ill and didn't feel good and she was so so sorry for being mean to me. And when I looked into her eyes and told her that it was ok, I understood that it is hard being sick and that I really was glad I got the chance I got to meet her. I meant it with all my heart. 

This is what I am learning--I just need to be faithful with what I have been given with what is right in front of my face. Because love is an action not a feeling.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Satisfied.


I have a hard time embracing who I am and who God has created me to be. (You think that by now I would have figured this out)

All I seem to see is the list of problems that I have which is a mile long. Even when I acknowledge that I am good at something--then it goes to my head and I can feel the tentacles of pride wrapping themselves around my heart and then I get mad at myself for letting things go to my head.

I want to be perfect. I want to stop messing up. I'm tired of being judgmental. I'm tired of not being as loving and patient as I should be. I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of wrestling for faith and struggling to hold on. I'm tired of being the prodigal son that ran away and spent time in the pig pen--and I am also the son that stayed and had a major attitude about it and thought he was all that and a bag of chips.

I'm tired of wanting to run away.

So I turn on music and I let Jason Gray, Andrew Peterson, Brandon Health, ect remind me of the truth that seems so hard to hold onto.

The truth that I am so incredibly and deeply loved just as I am.
That I measure up because when God looks at me He sees Jesus.
That inspite of my countless failings and foibles He is satisfied with me.

And if God is satisfied with the work He is doing in me...perhaps just maybe I can be satisfied with it as well.
Maybe.

Monday, October 8, 2012

This weekend was rough.

I get so frustrated with my so many shortcomings.

How easily I am distracted from the important things.
How easily I cast judgments and label people.
How easily I forget that God is trustworthy and good.

I cried in anger and frustration.

I get so tired of fighting. So tired of finding out how incredibly incompetent I am.
I was so tired of being messed up.
I was so tired of how hard loving people actually is.

I lost sight of who I am.

I went and soaked myself in music that reminded me of who I really am.

I am chosen.
I am a child of God.
I am loved.
More than I can ever imagine.

Jason Gray and Andrew Peterson and Downhere reminded me.

And I spun around because I am loved even if I am not perfect.
I am loved even though I mess up.
Jesus loves me even when I don't love very well.

I can rest in that and just enjoy the dance.
 



Saturday, October 6, 2012

This is where I bleed on paper and make everyone uncomfortable and show really how messed up I am. Woop woop.


Forgive me it is late and I am tired and in one of my writing moods-- so humor me.
(Please do not read if profanity offends you, this is me being honest.)

I mess up.
I sin, judge, think like a prick, and think very self-righteously.
I suck at loving people that I don't understand.
Suck.
I'm sorry everyone I'm trying but I fall so so short all the time.
I try and convince myself that I believe that we are all on a level playing field.
But I don't really believe it.
I say it.
I want to believe it.
But I don't.
I'm treat the people around me like walking trees way to often.
I want to love like Jesus.
But it's so hard.
I cast judgement in my head.
I run away from people that make me uncomfortable and I don't understand.
It took a friend who loves me enough to be honest with me.
And I knew this already but I've been trying to bury it.
Trying to convince myself that I really don't judge people.
But I so do.
I try and figure out everything and God just wants me to love people.
I complicate things.
Oh I am so good complicate things.
I cried all the way home.
I am so messed up I don't even realize how messed up I am.
I'm the prodigal son that ran away and got burned by fire.
But I am also the self-righteous son who stayed home.
And I'm so tired of it. 
I'm so tired of fighting and trying so hard.
I'm tired of it.
So **** it all.
I just want to be more like Jesus.
And Jesus loved people.
Messed up people. Judgmental people. Lazy people. Crazy people. Addicted people. Slutty people. Prideful people. Broken people. Crazy people. Stupid people. Stuck up people.
He didn't set up perimeters around His love and acceptance.
He just loved. 
He met people where they were at.
And I don't know how to do this.
I'm terrified of it to be honest.
I'm so scared that I am going to say something wrong.
I'm scared of how messy people are.
I'm scared of being hurt.
I'm scared that I am going to screw something up.
I can't do it.
I can't do it on my own.
I guess that's the point though isn't it?
God help me.
It's time I start doing what I say I believe.

I'm so thankful that God died to save a sinful, judgmental, prick of a person like me.
And that He loves me.
Now I just need to wrap myself up in that.
I'm gonna keep it simple.
I am going to love God.
And love people.
Even when I don't know exactly how that is going to look.
I'm just going to do it.
Also I can't wait to get to heaven.
The end.

(So I chickened out and used asterisk and don't lie you read this just because you wanted to see if I really cussed. :P)

Friday, September 7, 2012


I am tired.
These last few weeks have been a little crazy and at it doesn't look like it's going to slow down for at least the next couple weeks. 

There is so much I want to write that I don't know where to start... So many thoughts are bouncing around in my head and I don't know what to do with it all.

Last Thursday I read an essay by Jason Gray that I have kept returning to when I feel espeically worn down and weary. 
Because see I am already an incredilby analytical person and when I am reaching exhaustion my mind kicks into overdrive and I start over anaylizing the heck out of everything that I do and say and I see judgment and annoyance lurking in the eyes everyone around me. So when I read something like http://www.rabbitroom.com/2012/08/the-story-we-tell-ourselves-part-1/ < that it resonates with me. My prayer this week has often been "Dear God, please let your voice be louder than my insecurities" 

I want to identify myself by the fact that God loves me just as I am right now and that is the only thing that matters.
It's just hard because I have to fight so hard against the voices that whisper in my ears that I am not enough.

In other news I am reading the book The Ragamuffin Gospel. And have fallen in love with it. 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Just go back...


When I look at you, boy
I can see the road that lies ahead
I can see the love and the sorrow
Bright fields of joy
Dark nights awake in a stormy bed
I want to go with you, but I can't follow

So keep to the old roads
Keep to the old roads
And you'll find your way

Your first kiss, your first crush
The first time you know you're not enough
The first time there's no one there to hold you
The first time you pack it all up
And drive alone across America
Please remember the words that I told you

Keep to the old roads
Keep to the old roads
And you'll find your way
You'll find your way

If love is what you're looking for
The old road leads to an open door
And You'll find your way
You'll find your way
Back home

And I know you'll be scared when you take up that cross
And I know it'll hurt, 'cause I know what it costs
And I love you so much and it's so hard to watch
But you're gonna grow up and you're gonna get lost

Just go back, go back
Go back, go back to the ancient paths
Lash your heart to the ancient mast
and hold on, boy, whatever you do
To the hope that's taken a hold of you

-You'll Find Your Way -Andrew Peterson

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Rambling


Hello to the two people that actually read my long winded ramblings--it's been a while.
This summer has been crazy. My life looks nothing like I imagined it would look like it would have 4 years ago....or 6 months ago. This summer has been amazing, painful, and wonderful all at the same time.
It's been composed of me wrestling with God and clinging to faith in the midst of pain and tears. God is good and there is a reason for EVERYTHING has been my anthem and it has kept me sane(ish) ;).

 If you know me at all you will know that I dislike...actually no-- I hate unknowns. I like to have everything figured out and have a plan for everything. I don't even care if it's going to be painful or life is going to fall apart--I think I will be ok if I just know about it. When I don't know what exactly is going on-- I become the queen of over analyzing (Mrs. George will attest that this is true haha). It's a weakness--thankfully God is working on me and I'm learning slowly but surely. 

God is good though kids, He can be trusted and He has never ever let me go. He knows what is best and He wants me to have faith that He really is in control and I can rest in that.

I am a beloved daughter of God and He loves me.
This is my identity and nothing else matters.
If I sink the roots of my identity in this fact it doesn't matter what happens in my life.
It doesn't matter that I don't know how everything is going to play out right now.
It doesn't matter if the whole world hates me. I am going to be ok.
In fact I am going to be better than ok.

So here is to dancing, 

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

What I have come to learn in the past coupleish months.


God really is good.
God can be trusted.
God knows more than I do.
God is faithful.
I am not in control of anything.
And that is a very good thing.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

List


I am thankful for...(this is not an all inclusive list and not in any particular order)
Yes, I am a nerd and retarded for typing this all out but oh well lol
  1. God.
  2. Faith.
  3. Mom and Dad.
  4. The rest of my immediate and extended family.
  5. Amazing Friends.
  6. Forgiveness.
  7. Thinking.
  8. Books.
  9. Words.
  10. Good Conversation.
  11. Laughter.
  12. Smiling.
  13. Bookstores.
  14. Trees.
  15. Love.
  16. Grace.
  17. Warm Cinnamon Rolls.
  18. Homemade Bread.
  19. Day Dreaming.
  20. Sunsets.
  21. Beautiful Music.
  22. The smell of fresh cut grass.
  23. Reading.
  24. Apple Cider.
  25. Long Rambling Walks.
  26. Brant Hansen.
  27. Makeup (sometimes).
  28. Toms.
  29. Music.
  30. Mercy.
  31. Lanie George.
  32. Writing.
  33. The Moon.
  34. Good Movies.
  35. Clear Night Skies.
  36. Running.
  37. The sound of rain falling on the roof as you fall asleep.
  38. Blue.
  39. Justice.
  40. Green.
  41. Tyler Clark.
  42. Pain.
  43. Tears.
  44. Life.
  45. Getting Packages.
  46. The Sun.
  47. Violin.
  48. Spell Check.
  49. Family.
  50. Contacts.
  51. Sunshine.
  52. The smell of used books.
  53. My Car.
  54. Justin Glacken (best nonrelated brother ever)
  55. New Clothes.
  56. C.S. Lewis.
  57. School.
  58. Joy.
  59. Summer Thunderstorms.
  60. Fall.
  61. Stepping on Crunchy Leaves.
  62. Shorts.
  63. The Country.
  64. Hoodies.
  65. Sleeping.
  66. Blankets.
  67. Silence.
  68. Swimming.
  69. Kids.
  70. Church.
  71. Peace.
  72. Mountains.
  73. Texting.
  74. Phone Calls.
  75. Flip Flops.
  76. Dancing.
  77. Spinning Around.
  78. Patience.
  79. Bubble Wrap.
  80. Being Outside.
  81. Cooking.
  82. Baking.
  83. Hot Chocolate.
  84. Bonfires.
  85. Fuzzy Socks.
  86. Narnia.
  87. Wind.
  88. Prayer.
  89. The Bible.
  90. Granola.
  91. Journals.
  92. Sleep.
  93. Running Shoes.
  94. Fresh Pineapple.
  95. People.
  96. Dresses.
  97. Water.
  98. Francis Chan.
  99. Honesty.
  100. Thinking.
  101. Driving with the Windows Down.
  102. Hugs.
  103. The Sea.
  104. Misty Mornings.
  105. Andrew Peterson.
  106. Letters.
  107. Good Food.
  108. Ah ha moments in life.
  109. Beauty.
  110. Kisses.
  111. Sunglasses.
  112. Skirts.
  113. Dogs.
  114. Freedom.
  115. Hot Showers.
  116. Buttons.
  117. Helping People.
  118. Drawing.
  119. Driving.
  120. Jeans.
  121. Nursing.
  122. Good Memories.
  123. Flowers.
  124. My Hands.
  125. Watermelon.
  126. Fruit.
  127. NPR radio.
  128. Lord of the Rings.
  129. Truth.
  130. Sunrises.
  131. My Job.
  132. Perspective.
  133. Tea.
  134. Stars.
  135. Laughing so hard you can't breath.
  136. Good Quotes.
  137. Clouds.
  138. Smiles.
  139. Running in the rain.
  140. Hope.
  141. Trials.
  142. Ultimate Frisbee.
  143. Water.
  144. Parks.
  145. Pens.
  146. Swings.
  147. Snow Days.
  148. Spring.
  149. Swimming.
  150. That I am myself.
If you read all that I applaud you lol
Now I am going to go do something constructive with the rest of my day. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!
The end :)

Sunday, July 8, 2012

...


You are in the middle of your own story, and the Author is leading you somewhere.  There will be much to be afraid of in your future.  You will find yourself angry at times, shaking your fist at the sky.  You will find yourself weary and worn thin.  Remember that the writer of your story is leading you to a good land.  He is making you into something unimaginably beautiful, a shining immortal, a prince or princess in his eternal Kingdom.  There will be journeys in the seen world, and there will be journeys in the unseen one.
-Andrew Peterson

I love this.
This idea.
The hope that it contains.

I had a temper tantrum this morning of epic proportions.
I was very very much shaking my fist at the sky telling my God that I wanted to do things MY way.
I was tired of hurting. Tired of caring.
I wanted to check out.
I wanted to run away.
So.
Bad.
But I didn't.
I trusted in the midst of my unbelief.
And God showed up and pushed me to step out.
We'll see how it goes.

Monday, June 25, 2012

After All.


After All (Holy)
I can't comprehend your infinitely beautiful and perfect love
Oh I've dreamed dreams of majesty as brilliant as a billion stars
But they're never bright enough after all
You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
I will sing a song for you my God with everything I have in me
But it's never loud enough after all
Heaven and earth are full, full of your glory, glory
My soul it overflows full of your glory, your glory
Oh blessed is he who reigns, full of your glory, your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of your glory, your glory
Hosanna we are found after all you are
I can't comprehend
You're infinitely beautiful
I love the music at the beginning of that song.
I drove down the interstate tonight.
Windows down. Hair whipping in my face.
Under a beautiful raincloud filled sky
Singing this song at the top of my lungs.
As tears streamed down my freckled face.
And God whispered that He loved me and that he's got me.
As I probably blew my speakers out to be honest.
It was that loud.
And I'm sure the drivers in the cars next to me where wondering who the mental girl was next to them.
And the song is playing on repeat right now while I lay in bed typing lol
God knows exactly what I need and when I need it.
I needed that song today.
I wanted to listen to another one but got the CD's mixed up.
And I found that one.
I needed to start reading Sailing Between the Stars Saturday night.
Not the book I was looking for and couldn't find.
So I picked up that one.
God knew.
Without God at the center of the universe, without his smile on the edge of dawn, life would be avapor and mirage. But when he's present, all of life becomes drenched with possiblity; every moment become lined with purpose.
The idea that every moment, every life, every encounter could ultimately matter is the mostludicrous and necessary idea in the world. As soon as one life become expendable, all lives become expendable. As soon as one moment doesn't matter for eternity, the meaning of every moment is called into question. But if this moment is from God and for him, nothing is a means to an end. If everyone's destiny matters to Jesus, no one is a means to an end.
When I finally see that, a timelessness sweeps over me, borne of beauty and perspective. I realize, I am small, I am part of this world. I am a thread in a magnificent tapestry.
Life isn't simply a futile journey toward becoming fertilizer; it's a chance to dance toward eternity,hand in hand with the Poet of Time, while his stars, the glimmering jewelry of the night, wink at us from the sky.
Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and see the route up the mountain, it'll all make sense to myhead rather than simply to my heart. Until then I'm caught up in the thrilling romance of dancing with a rugged bridegroom toward the edge of eternity amidst the weird dreams, bad aim, and indecipherable miracles of life.
I read those parts over and over and over.
God knew that I needed this book in my life now.
I can't see right now.
I don't understand.
And that is ok.
Trust is what God wants from me.
And trust is what I am going to give.
While I stand on my tiptoes
Flinging my arms toward the heavens
And let everything that I've been holding onto fall from my hands.
He's got me kids.
He is never ever ever going to let me go.
And that ladies and gentleman is more than enough reason for me to smile.
God is big enough.
God is beautiful enough.
God is faithful enough.
God is good enough.
God is loving enough.
God is enough for me.
The end kids. The end.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Pain.


I learned from a young age that people can never be trusted not to leave you.
Friends come and go.
People lie.
People hurt people.
People use people.
I was about 7 when my best friend would have nothing to do with me because we left the church where they went.
I cried and asked God after praying for a best friend for years He would take her away.
Then the friends closest to me were caught in the middle of a messy divorce and I wasn't on the right "side".
People leave.
Maybe that's why I held on so tight for so long when I knew I should have let go.
I was so terrified that once again I would be left alone.
That no matter how much you love someone--they will leave.
It sucks.
But it's good.

If my life were easy I would never have to lean on God.
Had my friends never left me when I was a kid-I wouldn't know how to deal with this now nearly as well.
Had this not happened now I would not know how strong God really is.

God loves me to much to give me what I want.
And as much as I fight and squirm against His will.
As much as I shout at the heavens screaming for answers to my impossible questions.
At the end of the day...I am thankful.

Friday, June 22, 2012


I never thought that I could ever learn to let it go
Somehow its better when I follow in the paths You show
So I’m here I’m waiting
Cause I believe

This is so me right now.

Also love this song vvvvv

You see all of the pieces 
But I see a life I can mold
You see a bunch of blank pages
But I see potential untold

Before you give up
Before your heart breaks
Open your eyes to this picture of grace, and just

Slow down take a breath in this moment
Leave all the worries you're carrying
Be still in the midst of this madness
Let go of all that you fear 'cause
I've already set your heart freeSo leave all the changing to me

You see the doubt and the questions
But I see the wrestling with faith
You see someone worth nothing
But I see someone I can save
Life is a long road
So hard to follow
You feel like you'll never winJust trust in my loveAnd let me take care of the rest
So you can begin

Monday, June 18, 2012

Truth


God is seriously good.
God seriously can be trusted.
God really is faithful.
Jesus loves me.
He has so got this.
He has so got me.
And since He has me.
I have so got this.
I always would say it--and I knew intellectually it was true.
knew it.
But I didn't know it.
Does that make sense?
But it's not an act now.
It's not just words to me anymore.
It's not just head knowledge.
I actually get it.
Took me 3 weeks but I finally got it. lol
I turned a corner.
Truth has finally sunk its way into all the dark corners of my soul.
Filled the empty spaces of my heart.
And it feels so so so so good.
Oh my gosh. lol
I love turning corners.
And I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was.
If I could alter any part of His plan, I could only spoil it. - John Newton
I actually get this now. I don't and wouldn't change anything in my life right now.
Any. Thing.
actually believe that now.
I actually believe that I am not in control.
I actually believe that nothing I do or don't do will change what God wants to happen.
I actually don't need clarity.
I actually don't know to know everything :P
I actually have trust.
I actually believe I can rest.
I actually can and I am enjoying life.
don't know how my life is going to look. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know anything really lol I don't have clarity right now. I don't know all of the next steps of this dance He is taking me on. But! Ican follow. I have trust. I have faith. I have trust in my God's goodness and in unfailing extravagant love for me.
And that my dear dear friends is enough.
Bwha, I am Ming and I got this kids. So bring it.
Because I have so got this :)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Heyyyyy


I have turned a corner last night.
Reading my old blog--I realized that I actually love where I am right now.
I wouldn't change a thing.
And I am loving it.
And I'm not just saying it lol I really mean this.

When you keep screaming truth to yourself when lies are being whispered in your ear.
And when you blare music and read things that remind you of truth.
And when people who love you keep pounding it into your head.

One day it sinks in and you actually believe it.

I believed it last night.

I don't care anymore.
I'm not in control.

Insecurty is something that I've battled with my entire life.
And I've decided that I'm going to kick it in the butt once and for all.

By the grace of God-I love who I have turned out to be as "grown-up"
I'm not a fake--I actually believe that God is enough and that I am going to be ok.
I don't need a man. I don't need anything.
Jesus is enough.
And that makes me so so happy.

Even if everyone and their mother tells me that they know the perfect person for me and that I need to go out and date around. I'm good. If I'm meant to be with someone God'll make it happen :) Now mind you I'm not stupid I realize that I could go out and get a boyfriend pretty easily. I'm 21. I have a decent face. I have a nice figure. I'm smart. I have a decent personality. But I'm just not interested lol Boy are more trouble then their worth ;)

Somewhere along they way I thought I'd lost the girl that I use to be.
But I am still her.
I'm not new kids--but I am improved. :)

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway

The Bright Sadness


I thought Bright Sadness sounded suspiciously like the battle cry of the optimist. The donning of rose colored glasses calling out in the night for all to see the bright side of despair. More of a personality flaw than a birthright. Not something I could really get behind as being something tangible. I was wrong, of course. Bright Sadness is not the act of dusting heartache with sugar andglazing bitterness and resentment with a toothy smile. It is having little to do withwistful optimism and everything to do with hope in the light of the truth.
Hope that promises will be kept, that a refuge will hold, that the sun will return, that seasons will change despite the weighty darkness and all evidence to the contrary.

Hope at the center of despair.

The footprints left, when we look back at the most tempestuous season of life, are purposefulorganizedsignificance in the chaos--evidence that we were remembered in our darkest and most vulnerable days.

-Emily (review of The Bright Sadness)

I was and am remember :)
When a miner looks at the rope that is to lower him into the deep mine, he may coolly say, "I have faith in that rope as well made and strong." But when he lays hold of it, and swings down by it into the tremendous chasm, then he is believing on the rope. Then he is trusting himself to the rope. It is not a mere opinion--it is an act. The miner lets go of every thing else, and bears his whole weight on those well braided strands of hemp. Now that is faith.       - Theodore Ledyard Cuyler I want that faith. :)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

#Honesty


I am not always positive kids. lol
I am not always thankful.

There are times that I wake up and darkness fills my soul and I feel like never getting out of bed.
There are times that I am having a good day and then it's like I hit a granite wall and back down the hill I go.

There are times that I scream at the heavens wanting answers.
And have pity parties for myself.
There are times that I just get incredibly tired and weary...

This is just me being honest.

There are times that I wish God would just give me what I want. Not what I need.
There are times that I wish I could just skip to the end of the story.
All the time I wish I didn't see through a glass darkly and could see the whole beautiful picture and not just the tiny piece that I am in.

Thankfully that is not how I always am--and thank GOD that they are getting fewer and farther between (until the next time God trims something from my life :P)

But in those moments when I feel life closing in around me and threatening to stifle every joy out of life.
I am learning that I must push through them.
Sitting in bed and feeling sorry for myself will never do me a lick of good :P

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Writing is Cathartic for Me


Cathartic < yes I just used that correctly. lol
I feel so good.
Lol, I almost feel bad writing that. 
Like maybe I'm a horribly person that can feel this good after just a few weeks of being retardly depressed.

I spin around my room like a little kid listening to my favorite music.
I hang out with my friends.
I go running like my life depends on it.
I crawl into bed and talk for hours to my God.
I sit under the stars and enjoy the very fact that I am alive.
I enjoy hot showers.
And reading.
And books.
And playing my violin (badly) lol

God has a plan for my life.
This I know with every fiber of my being.
It's a truth that echos throughout every corner of my heart.
I don't know what it looks like right now.
And that's ok.
I don't have to know and it's ok.
I look to my past and I see how very faithful God has been to me.
And I know I can trust Him with my present.
And my future.
Because I know whatever He has for me-it will be GOOD.
And I can rest in that.

I can be the little kid that holds her Daddy's hand.
I don't have to know where we are going.
I am just enjoying walking together.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Late Night Ramblings


(Writing is my therapy) (also I hate this freaking cough. lol it's so annoying)

"The skill of the divine potter is an infinite patience of improvisation. No sooner has one work gone awry than his fingers are pressing it into the form of another. There is never a moment for the clay, when the potter is not doing something with it. God is never standing back and watching us; his fingers are on us all the time,"
- Austin Farrer

I am learning that when God's fingers are pressed deeply into my life and molding me it is not always what I want. But it is always what I need.
I'm still figuring this out.

2 Corinthians 4-7
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
"The Potter reveals His grace; through broken jars."

Worship was fantastic this morning. I believe this kids. 
I'm rooted in something so much deeper than another person.
I was happy and enjoyed life before him, I was happy and enjoyed life with him, and I am happy and enjoy life without him.
I am ok. And it is such a good feeling.

I am not responsible for how anyone other than myself handles this.
I am responsible for how I handle this.
I am responsible for me. My choices. My life.
And I am going to use this for good.
I am going to press up close to the heart of my God.
I am going to start dancing with freedom.I am going to enjoy being single and do things that I probably will never get the chance to do again lol
I am going to start playing violin, go on roadtrips by myself (shhh don't tell my mom yet ;)), and invest in my amazing friends.
I am not going to waste this sitting on my butt and being depressed.
(even if I was acting like a retard at first lol :P)
That would not acting true to who I am.

Now mind you I'm not going to go to Vegas and go crazy either cause that wouldn't be true to who I am either lol 

I am a child of a King and dearly deeply loved. :)

Don't get me wrong there are times where my emotions get a hold of me and I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure and pain.
If only I were more attractive.
If only I were more outgoing.
If only I were more like the other girls.
If only.
Maybe.
What then?
What if?

I turn and run to my God and I remind myself that He's got it all under control. And that He's always been faithful to me. And that I can trust Him that he will finish the job.

I don't have and never have been in control.

And my grip on my life starts to loosen a little bit again.

And I remember that I am free.
I am free to be me.
Who cares who doesn't like it.
And that knowledge makes me smile for real.