Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I want to get that.
I want to be like David
Cause when you get that--that changes your life.
I have made an observation--ready for it people?
The longer time goes on the more complicated life seems to become...actually no I take that back--when I was little stuff seemed complicated; but the stuff that seemed complicated then doesn't seem complicated now. =P
Maybe stuff that seems complicated now won't seem complicated 10 years from now...or maybe it still will. =P I don't know...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
People confuse me at times.
Situations confuse me at times.
I confuse me at times.
I do love God though.
And no, nothing in particular prompted this post--nothing else has happened...that I know of.
And if you ask me nothing need happen for the next 20 years. I've had enough drama to last me at least that long...but I doubt that will be the case...
June 10th 2008
"Anyways last night I couldn't sleep so I was finishing up reading "I am not but I know I AM" while eating a bowl of this...I don't even know what I'd call it but it was food and it was good and I was hungry. =P
I've been frustrated at myself because I haven't been able to finish the book for a while--which if you know me rarely happens; but there is a reason I didn't finish it until last night. Stuff that I read spoke to me more than it probably would have had I finished it earlier.
"To be honest, looking up doesn't make life's challenges and problems go away. Yet gazing into heaven reassures me that God is still I AM, and that His greatness, goodness, and God-ness is the best lens through which to view every day of my life."
"And in the days to come, when you're questioning, needing, searching, wondering, asking, and struggling, you will find His sufficiency at the end of every desperate prayer. When you cry out all the things that you are not, you'll know His answer is, "I AM."
For every cry, there is one answer:
I need help.
I need hope.
Who could possibly be smart enough to figure this out?
What's the latest thing?
What's the hippest thing?
I need a fresh start.
I need a bigger story.
My vision is bigger than my resources.
Nothing's real anymore.
Who can I trust?
I'm not sure who's on my team.
Nobody's listening to me.
I don't have a prayer.
My marriage is sinking and I don't know where to turn.
I can't hold on.
My kids deserve more.
I'm pouring into other, who's pouring into me?
If we fail, who will get the job done?
I'm not sure why I'm here.
I've given all I can give and it's not enough.
I need a drink.
I need a fix.
Somebody just hold me.
Yeah, that spoke to me just a little bit... [bold are the ones that applied to me.]
[Fill in with whatever you want to imagine I wrote]--that's ok. I am not but I know I AM."
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Equilibrium is a really good movie--no seriously it's a really really good movie. It reminded me of the book--The Giver. I liked that book as well.
Also...snap...I forgot what I was going to say....
Does anyone even read this anymore? My ramblings?
I'm not sure.
I read this kind of entertaining article today...It was about how disarm Al Qaeda....
Fall is here. At least it was here today--it made me happy.
Going on walks and noticing little things like how the double layer of clouds roll across the sky, the way the wind blows through the trees, and the way the wind feels across your face is amazing...yes.
Going back and reading my journal from early June is kind of entertaining; I was kind of dramatic and rediculous...lol
June 12 2008 11 AM
"Last night I feel asleep listening too Never Forget Grace. It was amazingishness. I was just crying and telling God that I couldn't do this, at least on my own there was no way I could possibly do this.June 14 2008.
I can't do this. I simply can't. I can't deal with this.
I can't do the right thing, I can't deal with everyone having different stories. I can't see truth, I can't love, I can't have joy, I can't have patience, I can't trust, and I can't have faith.
That is my mantra right now.
...it doesn't stop there though does it?
Seriously as I'm crying on my pillow last night, with the thought of my hopes and dreams crashing down around me I heard God whisper--"Oh but Ming I AM and I can. You're right, you can't. You are not able to do any of those things. You can't do them. period. It's not you + me that gets the job done, it's not you + my grace that will help you be able to make it through right now. No Ming. That's not how it works. It's Me. Period end of story. It's Me and Me alone that will help you through this. When you don't think you can do this, when you're at the end of yourself is when I will, I will come through for you. I promise Ming, trust my promise, I will come through for you. [Last part removed cause I can. =P]"
I lay crying on my bed and felt my worries, pains, and anxious thoughts slowly fade away. I buried my head in my pillow and there really weren't any words left in me. I'd love to say that I prayed this beautiful eloquent prayer thanking God for how good he is to me--but I couldn't find anything. My heart was to full to speak.
Italicsed is God just in case you couldn't figure that out. ; )
I can't do the right thing.
I can't deal with everyone having different stories.
I can't see truth.
I AM truth.
I can't love.
I AM love.
I can't have joy.
I can give you joy.
I can't have patience.
I AM the beginning middle and end, fall into me.
I can't trust.
I can give you trust.
I can't have faith.
Yes, you can. Remember I'm here.
My God is so amazing.
I don't understand,
How your grace can reach me just as I am. [how is this?????]
I can't comprehend,
The touch of mercy that comes from your hands.
So faithful, my Father
You never change how much you care for me
So faithful, Redeemer
The blood you shed has sealed your love for me.
You ran out to meet me, broken and needy.
You wrap me in Your robes of robes of royalty
For in the quiet you whisper my name
As a father to a son coming home once again
And my response to your passionate call
Is to humble myself and give you my all."
Riding the Wave
So life is crazy. The end.I've decided that that pretty much sums it up. Life=crazy. *nod*
How am I doing?
Really? Honestly? Seriously?
I'm not even sure.
I've never been this emotional in my life.
I think I'll be doing ok and then 30 seconds later be in tears.
One minute I'll be telling God that I have faith and then the next minute be crying and telling him I don't understand.
Oh the joys of being me. =P
To be perfectly honest though I'm doing better today than I was doing Wednesday and Thursday or even yesterday.
I was/am a silly girl--but I have a fantastic God. =)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
It is beautifully gorgeous out though. Yes...I drove with my windows down.
It's 70's out with a gorgeous carolina blue sky and yes it is amazing.
It's a beautiful day guys. beautiful.
I love God, he's pretty awesome--now I am going to go clean my car. =P
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
"God doesn't like it when someone tries to take control from Him. So stop
inserting yourself into situations that you can't control, and focus instead on
being present in those situations as a faithful follower of Jesus. The question
isn't: "how can I change my circumstances?" or "how can I change this other
person?" Instead, the question is, "how can I be the most faithful to Christ in
the midst of this situation?" Fruit ought to come despite the weather, as long
as you're planted near the water. And as for the weather, well, that's for
trusting in God, not for changing."
This is my heart and my prayer.
That no matter what my circumstances--no matter what people are in life; it's not how can I change situations or people. It's about how am I going to respond? How am I called to be faithful with what God has given me. God's trusted me with these situations--these people he's brought into my life. What am I going to do with them? How am I called to be like Christ in these situations? How do I love? How do I speak truth? How do I combine the two?
Will I do this perfectly? No. Far from. Will I mess up? Make mistakes? Yes.
But that doesn't keep me from trying and striving.
I'm not going to come before the throne of God spotless without a bruise on my body, my goal in life isn't to avoid pain.
My goal is to apprehend the power of God in the midst of pain.
I'm not immune to pain or suffering. No.
In the middle of it all though as the storms whip about me I do stand on the rock.
See, as Christians it doesn't make us immune to feeling. We haven't become robots, gosh. But it's just that in the midst of our crying and pain--we are ok. Why? Because we know how it ends.
In the end there won't be suffering or pain. In the end we're going to stand with Jesus. In the end we stand battered and bruised but not beaten.!
This is why I can be brought low or high, this is why it doesn't matter if I am rich or poor. This is why honestly nothing matters on this earth accept Jesus.
It really is that simple. Yet that hard at the same time.
I want to tell you guys right now this has been the beat that I walk life to. No, do I live perfectly? No. But the theme of my life is this, loving God, loving people. =)
You wonder why I talk about this? I don't even rightly know...
I do know that I love Jesus though.
And I trust Him.
He knows I've been and he knows where I'm going....heck I don't even know where I'm going sometimes so it's comforting knowing that at least someone does. =)
On other random such notes I like Cascada or at least a song someone sent me. =)
It's cloudy out and rather dismal--at least at the moment.
I like to write.
and I can write again!! =) It makes me happy.
I love God.
And Justin Glacken.
"I love him. ;)"
Come, ye disconsolate, where'er ye languish,
Come to the Mercy-seat, fervently kneel.
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.
Joy of the desolate, Light of the straying,
Hope of the penitent, fadeless and pure;
Here speaks the Comforter, tenderly saying,
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot cure.
Here see the Bread of Life; see waters flowing
Forth from the throne of God, pure from above.
Come to the feast of love; come, ever knowing
Earth has no sorrow but Heaven can remove.
This song and I are friends. I heard it last night and it was/is amazing.
I love old hymns.
Abraham Piper is cool.
God is good.
I don't get God.
He loves me.
And I love him because of it.
Oh I do love him.
Monday, September 22, 2008
So I wasn't feeling great earlier this evening, I hate it when people that I'm close with aren't doing well...on top of that a friend of mine isn't speaking to me because of recent events these past few weeks and I had a short conversation with them that just sort of cemented the fact that we aren't friends now. I wasn't going to write that on here but whatever my head is my head and this is what I'm going through now--anyways, I wrote the one person a massive email just kind of collecting my thoughts and I felt a little better after that....
This I was listening to music and this song came up--
For joy is in this place now
Amazing grace how sweet the sound to save a wretch like me
I once was
For joy is in this place now
Does this really define me?
Does this define me now?
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost. Now I'm found.
I was blind. Now I see.
I was prisoner. Now I'm free.
I once hated. Now I love.
I once was in despair. Now I've found joy.
I've found love beyond compare.
This hasn't changed and it never will.
And I seriously seriously am not just saying this guys.
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I'll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy's found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I need
Clinging to the cross
Can I be a girl who does this no matter what?
Holding onto Jesus?
Clinging to him while he holds me tightly?
Continuing to fall in love with him no matter what is going on in my life?
When life is going good?
When life is not going good?
Can I hold these things on earth loosely?
Does Jesus really not even compare to anything here?
My stuff--it's just stuff.
My family--it's just a family.
My friends--their just friends.
My health--it's just my health.
My life--it's just my life.
Please hear my heart--I love all the things God has so richly blessed me and I'm so thankful.
But still...none of it compares to my God.
Do I really hate things in light of how much I adore Jesus?
I don't think I do--but I'm trying, asking, praying that God grows me to that point.
I want to be there I really do.
And I think I'm getting there.
Slowly but surely.
I want this theme to be in my life.
More of God, less of me.
And honestly people--if you think I'm being hypocritical or saying stuff I don't mean I really would rather you tell me. Or if I'm saying something wrong either, please tell me?
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Life kids. life.
Also, fall makes me happy.
School not so much.
But that's ok. =P
Stephen and I decided to paint the boys bathroom unbeknownst to Mr. and Mrs. George, it was a blast. Thank goodness that they didn't hate the color. It looks like water.
It was more fun painting than picking out the color too--which is pretty incredible. =P
And no he didn't actually paint my back.
In other news it is gorgeous out! I love this kind of weather. =)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Elephants are fine in and of themselves, coffee tables aren't that bad either--but add them together and you have a horrible combination.
Why do I hate them?
Well mostly because of the way people treat the elephant, no one wants the elephant to be there, I think we all know this, but why for the life of me people think that not talking about it makes it disappear is beyond me.
Polite smiles exchanged, curtious laughs had, and small chit chat is shouted trying to drown out this thing that is in the middle of the table bellowing.
Now if you know me at all, you know I hate this. Honestly let's just deal with and talk about the issue. Seriously. I'm not saying we'll even agree or that we'll even get anywhere but please please please don't try to pretend that life is just normal.
I don't know that's just how I am.
So here's to the elephant ok?
Stephen and I in a relationship, we're courting, and pursuing to honor God and do what he would have us do.
Yup, I'm "the girl". Wow I bet no one had figured that out yet huh?
Monday, September 15, 2008
I really do.
Even if I wrestle with God about silly things, or even important things.
When it comes down to it--I love adore and trust my God.
I really really really do.
Some people make me shake my head sometimes though.
I probably make other people shake their heads though so it evens out in the end.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Having buckets of soapy water dumped on you though kind of takes one by surprise.
At least it takes me by surprise.
Life kids. There are times I wish things were simple...
But yes, happier things...I use to pride myself on being able to wash a car and remain pretty much completely dry--but it's way more fun to get wet.
You know, what does loving people look like? What does loving people like Jesus would love them really look like? Rhetorical question...sorry...
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Not in a bad way though. =)
I love God. I really really do.
And I want to do what God has called me to do above everything else that is what I want to do.
This has been, is, and will be the tenor of my life forever. Oh and ever and ever and ever.
Traitor is a good movie. Kind of plays with your mind though.
PS. I'm trying to write about the elephant but honestly I don't know how to right now...
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
...and I'm a person that hates to rock the boat.
Anyways on a completely random note that I'm going to use as a lame attempt to get everyone minds off what their minds might think of when relating to me at this point in time---What about all this rain guys? A little annoying huh?
Should I talk about the elephant on the table? Or should I ignore it here?
That is the question isn't it?
Am I living so that at the end of my life God is standing?
Or am I living life so that people will stand?
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Guys, I haven't changed; well I suppose I have because we all do change in one facet or another as times moves along--but seriously my heart hasn't changed.
I do love God above anything else--I want to do what he's called me to do, become the girl he's called me to be. I still want to walk along to the beat of his heart and conform myself to becoming like Jesus. I want to dance with my King and I want to run in His arms.
I want him to hold me when I can't hold on myself.
I want him to tell me what to do when I have no idea what to do.
I want Him.
More of Jesus less of me.
And that might look different for me than the rest of the world.
And the rest of the world might not be able to see it--and that's ok.
Because one day when I stand before the throne of my God I want Him the one standing. Above all else that is my desire.
No, I won't always do this thing called life right, yes, I'll screw up, yes, I won't always get this perfect--but I want the theme of my life to be walking along side my God in His will.
And I want to hear from Him about what his will for my life is--not what everyone else's idea of His will is for my life. Does that make sense?
I'm not normal and I know this. Slowly God is chipping away my hardened exterior and He's shaping me into the person he wants me to be.
I seriously am not just saying this either guys.
Also my friend Lauren is pretty cool, just for everyone's information.
A man can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel in the same way that the metal can’t see the sword. Yet the metal is painfully aware of one thing—someone is swinging the hammer. I know too, in the midst of my own shaping, that God is holding the hammer. And He is the light at the end of my tunnel. He will finish what He has begun, and it is that assurance that banishes any ghost that dares beset His child.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Wow isn't that enlightening?
No, seriously though, I'm not really sure what to say other than that.
Life has been interesting as of late, mostly over the past week or so....
I try to keep this blog as real as possible, I only really write when I have something to say--which normally isn't a problem at all for me. =P But lately I haven't been able to drag anything up from the depths of my mind in order to form a coherent post, plus I just haven't been on the computer much so that has also cut into the amount that I write...
It's been a ride as of late--that's for sure.
I know that I know that I know that God has a plan for my life.
It's all for His glory and our good.
And I've always said that--when things are going good--when things aren't going so good.
This has to be the theme of my life.
Has to be.
I've got to have trust
I've got to have faith
And I've got to believe with every fiber of my being that God is sovereign.
I'm going to love.
I'm going to love God.
And I'm going to love people.
I can't do this without God though...