Saturday, May 31, 2008

I'm ready to be done. =P

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


I never knew death could be so sweet
I never knew surrender could feel so free
I’ve never seen such meekness and majesty
That the blood of Jesus was bled for me

Now I’ll sing freedom for all of my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me
How beautiful the blood flow
How merciful the love shown
The King of Glory poured out
Victorious are we now

I never knew these nails would love unfold
I never knew these wounds would heal my soul
I’ve never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
That the blood of Jesus was bled for me


I don't know what God is doing with my life, seriously sometimes it's crazy. What on earth is he thinking. lol Sometimes I wish I knew--I wish I could see the end result.


"The Bible is not a list of what you need to do for God; the Bible is all about what God has done for you!"

-Josh Harris.

"When we can't trace God's hand, we must trust His heart."

C.J. Mahaney

"He [Jesus] begs [when he prays] for his desires and yet he ultimately says, "But I want to submit to Your desires."

-Francis Chan

"Are you willing to accept that as an answer to in your life; that God may not be simplifying your life, He's just strengthening who you are."

-Francis Chan

Na was good.

I'm still tired from it though. =P

Friday, May 23, 2008

Constant forgiveness; Mercy that's endless

Yup my God is that good.

I have a ton of homework and I'm going to NA this weekend.

God give me grace.


It's a beautiful day today.

Lovely, gorgeous.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Father, Love, Lavished, Children

Great is the love the Father has lavished upon us, that we might be called the children of God.
1st John 3:1


Those are the words that stand out to me.

Great- I think mind-blowing, earth shattering.
Love- I think of the most intense emotion that God created.
Father- I think of well a loving person who only has your best interest in mind.
Lavished- I think of someone who simply can not get enough of giving stuff to you, and just pours and dumps blessing on you.
Children- I think of going to a park on a spring day and seeing a bunch of adorable little kids run around on the swing set.
God- There are no words.

That verse is amazing.
God lavished great love on me so that I could be a child of God and him my Father.

Screwed up, messed up, awful, horrid, putrid--me.

Wrap your head around that, or try to--I can't.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Hope's Anchor

He's here.
He is
Everything Bright and Good
Lasting and True
Everything New
He is
Price Payer
Shame Bearer
Grave Ender
Breach Repairer
Crown Wearer
Hope's Anchor
World Changer
Church Builder
Always Sustainer
He is Here.
Hope's Anchor.
Think about that.
HE is hope's anchor.

What are you putting your hope in?
Right now?
At this moment?

Forget the Sunday school answers and be honest here.
If your heart was ripped open for all to see what would be on display?
Honestly--I put my hope in so many things other than Him.
and the list goes on and on.

My hope is anchored so precariously on things other than the only One it should be dug into.

Sunday, May 18, 2008


I love Mrs. George
endless amounts of cookies and strawberries
Gouda is a cool word
jumping fences in a dress, climbing through bushes, trying to plug in lights--while on the phone. =P
wiping dirt off pots is alot of fun
and yes.
I was tired yesterday. lol
Set up today was fun
playdough is amazing
Also climbing on tables and almost falling down. =P
and I am still tired. =P
Life kids, life.

How am I doing?
In this moment-- I am doing well.
I'm not just saying this cause it's the "good" Christian thing to say either. I'm not saying this in a superficial way.
I mean this in the most uncliche way possible--
1. God loves me.
2. I'm not going to hell.
3. I'm going to heaven.
4. Jesus is going to come back one day.
I'm trying to get my roots sunk into that.
Those things never ever change, so if I'm rooted in those things that's a good thing.

Circumstances, those change.
Feelings--those too.
People's opinion about me?
Yup, that changes too.

To place my hope and trust in anything less than God is setting myself up for failure.

I'm being taught this in a very uncomfortable way.

Being stripped of everything, God does have a way of taking the stuff I'm holding on to, the stuff that means the most to me and cutting it all away-so that I have to lean on him; I have to trust him; I have to have faith in him.

This is by no means easy though.

I'm a screw up people.
I don't want you thinking anything else about me.
If I do anything worth while it's only because of God.
I am a messed up person.
Sick, disgusting.
But I have been loved beyond your wildest dreams.
I don't deserve it.
I'm resting in, not because I deserve it--but because I have it.
I have it!

Friday, May 16, 2008


I got this in the mail today.
mmmmmmmm, it made me happy. very very happy.
mmmmmmmm, yes, I'm a dork.

Dear God help me be completely and only defined in you and you alone.
Rooted in you and you alone.
Help me know you love me.
'Cause when I get that, I love you.


And as we talked I was speechless
for my heart pounded
And as we walked a little while
I knew that I’d been found
and here I am no more disguise,
no longer blinded
I see it clear, I am yours, I am yours

And You are breath taking and breath giving

I rise above all the flattery and frowns
I put my head up to your chest
and listen for sound
You make me brave every time I see you smile
I see it clear, I am yours, I am yours
Bravery-Charlie Hall
My God is so good.

He loves me regardless what I have done.

He pursued me relentlessly.

I understand not.
But I believe.
Faith is a beautiful thing.
God loves it too.
Without faith it is impossible to please my God.

In light of that fact--I want faith.

There is a reason for everything.

I have faith that that is true.

Even my screw ups.
screw ups?

I love my God so much, he's so patient.

And I mean all this kids.
Hear my heart--I want to be real and I'm not just saying this to say it;
God loves you so much.
So so so so so
He made you.
pursued you.
chased you.
rescued you.
LOVED you.
I don't care what you did.
I don't care who you are.
I don't care.
He doesn't care.
He loves you regardless.
'Cause he's that A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Yes, I'm crazy.
I'm crazy overwhelmed.
I'm crazy overwhelmed by a relentless God's love.
Crazy crazy love.
And I'm not being cliche, or saying this just to say it.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I'm done.

I am a screw up guys—worse I have been a hypocrite.

I sit here and talk about God's love; how I wish people would be completely real; and for the past few months I have holding a mask to my face, praying that no one will actually see me for what I really am.

I have been doing the one thing that I hate so much; I've been superficial.


Because I'm scared to death of what people will think of me; I feel that I've failed people, and I hate failing anyone.

Guys, this is my head ok; I think I lose either way. If you have a good opinion of me or a high opinion of me,, then I've failed you—but if you have had a low opinion of me, then I've just proven you right.

So I hold this mask to my face, hoping that I will never been seen for what I really am, yet at the same time desperate to be rid of it and just be myself.

And in church is where it is worse, I know this is mostly my own fault and my fear of man, but it's just hard to honest when you're surrounded by people that appear to have their lives together and seem to be perfect. Still...there have to be other people out there that are like me, that are screwing up in “big” ways but because they are surrounded by what appears to be “perfect” people they are scared to death that they are the only ones. That if they open up that they will be ostracized and looked down on.

Oh I'm not saying that people in church don't confess their sin to one another—but when I'm with girls who are standing around talking about how their biggest struggle this last week was either being diligent with their school or being patient with their siblings, to be perfectly honest—it's hard to be honest with them. I look at my sin, my huge issues and I clam up.

And I've been in church long enough where I know the right things to say, I know how to act; how to fit in. Ask me what I've been struggling with this week and I'll rattle off “Well just being patient with my brothers and sister.” Oh do I have issues with that, sure. But I know there is other stuff in my life that I need to work out, I know that I need to get the big stuff worked out first.

But do I tell anyone my big issues? Of course not.

And I'm tired of it, I'm so so so sick of this. I'd rather be just a screw up than be a screw up-plus a hypocrite. If I'm just a screw up, I can actually begin to try to work out my screw ups because I'm not hiding them.

Besides who am I trying to fool. Honestly, who am I trying to fool that matters!

Unfortunately in the organization of the modern church there is this expectation of being perfect or being perceived as perfect. It's full of people who want to “belong”, and I say this being one of them. But people! There is only one place that you and I should desire to belong and that's in the Book of Life. That's all I should care about and I'm already there.

So honestly here is where I'm at.

I've been sneaking around doing what my parents told me not to.

I've done things I never thought I'd do.

I've lied.

I've disobeyed.

I've deceived.

I've been selfish.

I've sinned.

No, I didn't get caught doing it, I just couldn't do it anymore.

I'm not a good person.

I'm a horrible sinful puke.

This is me. This is what I am, this is where I'm at.

There I said it, now you all know.

I'm a messed up sinful puke.

I don't feel like there is anyone at the church where I go that I can be relate with and be vulnerable with, save for a couple of really close friends.

You know why I have a hard time talking to other people? It's not because I don't think they're cool; it's because I think they're better than me. It's because I feel I don't fit in, and I feel that if I were to really let anyone see what I've really done or who I really am—that I'll be judged. Oh, no people who never say in so many words that they are judging me but it's the looks, the glances, the way in which they change when you're around that speak more than words ever could. So I stand there, trying to fit in, trying to become someone I'm not—keeping a wall up, grasping at a mask.

But I'm done with it. I'm done. I'm so completely and utterly done with it.

If you don't want to be friends with me because you think I'd be a bad influence. Fine.

If your parents don't want you to be friends with me because they think I'd be a bad influence. Fine.

I'd rather you not be friends with me at all, than you be friends with a person that isn't even me.

I have really, honestly, truly reached the end of myself.

Hiding isn't an option for me, ok, well it's still an option but not the one that I'm willing to do anymore.

I need help, I need God.

I'm all in.

My heart is exposed, my sinful rotten heart.

I can start dealing with it now.

I needed to be defined by one thing and one thing alone.

And that's my God's crazy, passionate, unreasonable, abounding, insane, reckless, life abandoning love.

I'm not going to be defined my my reputation (or lack thereof)

I'm not going to be defined my my sin and screw ups.


Because my God's forgiveness is bigger than my sin.

Because my God is that freaking huge and my God is love. (seriously he is.)

He loved me before I did anything to deserve it, and because he loved me before there is nothing I can do to lose that love. Nothing.

So I need to leave all my crap and sin, and then run as fast as I can toward the only thing that will ever matter in life.

Forget about people opinions, people judgments, and run this race that I've been called to run. I slip, fall, and even crash sometimes, but my God is so kind, so loving. He picks me up, dusts me off and whispers in my ear to keep going. All because of love.

This needs to motivate my whole life.

Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this, maybe I shouldn't be this honest, and maybe a lot of you don't need to know all this. But I'm doing this for my sake. I'm doing this because I don't want any of you thinking that I'm a better person than I am.

I want to be completely real, completely genuine.

I don't want to be a superficial person that's scared all the time that they are going to be found out.

I'm on my face, begging God to change me.

This is me, guard down, mask off. I am a screw up, yes. Hypocrite, no.

I'm done.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I am loved, because I AM, loved.

Chew on that.

God help me be rooted in this.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Reminding myself of truth--

These are some of the quotes that I've collected over the past year or so.
You know when you just need to be reminded of stuff you know?
I know all of this stuff, I just need to act like I know it.

You see if you are a Christian there is nothing you can do to make God love you more or less. Because when He sees you He sees His Son Jesus Christ, there's nothing you can do to make Christ look better to God. And so this gets to the root of why we do; what we do. Why do you read scripture? Why do you come to Church? Why do you want to go on a missions trip? Why do want to reach out to this person? Because God shows more favor on you? No!
Because it's who you are and you are being authentic to that. You see if you didn't read your Bible today God still sees Christ. You may not be living the life he's designed you to live, and you may not be being as authentic as you can be. But he still sees Christ.
Sometimes you may feel like God's not there or you feel like God's not as close to you as he once was. Well bull! He is!
See we rely on our feelings more than what we rely on what we know to be true about God. And that is God, "I will never leave you or forsake you." His Spirit lives in me as a Christian- he never leaves. I might feel distant, but he's not distant. I may feel better about doing certain things but it doesn't matter because before I did those God looks at me and He still sees Christ. Are you getting it? You see if your Christianity/your faith is based on religious routine and dos and don'ts; I don't know how else I can say this...but your nothing more than a pharisee. You're a good moral church goer.....that's what you are.
And you see this is where I feel like this could maybe speak to your heart too, it's that I also feel like so many of you are struggling with sin issues in your life and you beat yourself to death. In fact you're so focused on your sin that you feel distant from God, because you are focused on your sin and because you are focused on your sin you actually feel like you need to hid from God like Adam and Eve in the Garden. They sinned, guess what they did. They ran from God. Could they? No. God was still there. You may be struggling with a sin issue and you come here and you feel like everyone else has it all together and you're the only one that doesn't. Well guess what... maybe other people can just fake it better than you can. I'm not saying it's ok to sin. I'm just saying number one; it's normal. And number two if you are a believer first off you have to understand that you are a believer because you aren't perfect.
Chuck Bomar

When you look at this God that did this for you...I don't want to belittle anyone's issues. What's your biggest struggle right now? What's your greatest need or desire? And does it really compare to the promise God has for you that He's going to come back and marry you and take you to a home He's building for you; where you are going to have nothing but full joy?
Does it really compare to the fact that the God of the Universe who's just so big we're like little dots in time and history- He's leaned over and said "I'm going to become a dot and die for you so we can have a relationship." Is it really bigger than that?
-Brian Colmery

It seems as though, from the inside, the way you quantify your spiritual growth is by how aware you are of your sin.

This tends to run counter to the way evangelicals like to run things: everything is always great, everyone is always growing, everyone is sinning less and less every day, or so we tell ourselves and each other. But if Paul is any indicator, your growth in Christ is measured not by how you feel less and less sinful, but how you feel more and more sinful. A growing awareness and despair over your sin marks true growth in the believer. And I don’t think it’s too far to say that using any other standard to judge our internal growth is a step towards legalism. That isn’t to say that the questionnaire above is unbiblical, or that taking stock of the way you live out your faith isn’t important - the Bible is clear that it is (James 2:14-17). But it is to say that, from inside our own heads, we shouldn’t be proud that we feel more holy every day. We should repent of our pride and lack of growth. We know we’re on the right track if, every day, we wake up and find more sin when we thought we’d already exhausted our capacity for itwhich will force us to our knees in humble repentance and to our feet in joyful reception of the grace to be found in the blood of Christ. As we grow in awareness of sin, so too we will grow in joy for the gospel: he who is forgiven little loves little (Luke 7:47). And so, at the end of the day, God gets more glory as our only hope for salvation and joy in a sin-stained world, created by sin-stained hearts like our own.
-Brian Colmery

And yet, we are sick with sin. Jesus was being ironic (wasn't he?) when he said he'd come not for the healthy, but for the sick. He knows: We're all terminal. We're hopeless, addicted, hooked on ourselves.
-Brant Hanson

He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. …The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So, everybody must conceal his sin from himself and from the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners!
--Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together.

Do you believe today that you have full access to God through Christ? Or that you have access to God because you are doing what Christ did? You see the difference? One of them is proud, one of them is you bucking up and taking yourself up by the bootstraps and walking towards God and trudging and onward Christian soldier man we are going to get this done! And you get to God and it's like, "man I made it, I climbed to the top of the hill, I planted the flag, I pulled this off!". The other one is humble.
That's why Jesus talks about a wide and narrow paths. See the narrow path isn't narrow because it's so hard to get through, it's narrow because you have to be that humble to get in. You have to check all your pride and your baggage at the door, you actually have to lose your own life to get in there, you have to let Jesus carry you like a little child. And he's the way.
-Brian Colmery

"Some of you guys are really struggling right now in a lot of areas of life; in a million different ways. Each one of you. I believe if we went around the room we could all just talk about, "How man, there's just this one thing..." You know? And even as Christians. Sometimes people think you become a Christian and life gets all soft lenses you know, everything is pretty and it's happily ever after. And it doesn't really work that way. In fact the Bible seems to indicate that when you become a Christian and abide in the Vine and God wants you to grow, you get more stuff thrown in your life not less. And some of you guys are right in the middle of that. I want you to know that the Bible says to you. today. If you are being cut and pruned by your circumstances it's not 'cause he hates you. It's because he wants you to grow and in that area. So not only is it just random, because he's not capricious. "I want them to grow so I'll slice them here." No, it doesn't work that way, he says "I want to see this in their life, I want to see this in their heart, I want to see this grow out of them, so I'm going to cut them right here." Very specifically, very intentionally. So you guys have the ability right now if you believe in Christ, if you abide in the Vine, if that's true of you; you can look at any circumstance in your life and go, "You know what that's interesting cause if that's happening it means that God wants me to grow in that area and if he does it he's going to finish the job." And you can count on that."
Brian Colmery

"Oh before I go, self-esteem. Self-esteem biggest crock ever fed to the US... ever. Self-esteem is bogus. I'll tell you why, because it has this concept "Ok if people need love and they are looking outside to get it and hurting themselves to get it. Let's just convince them they are worth it. And then it will all work out." You don't need self-esteem, you're already loved! Do you not believe it? You don't need to build up your own worthiness, because you already have it. Before you were born you had it. So why keep trying, why keep striving, why keep trying to convince yourself you're worth something that you're not. 'Cause you're not worth it. But you HAVE IT. You don't need anymore. You don't need to convince yourself that you're worth something. We have all these people running around there thinking that "You know life would be alot better if I only thought I was a better person." No! False! Jesus said, "Lose your life to save it. Deny yourself." you know why? 'Cause your already loved. You can, you have the freedom to do it- that love is inviable."
-Brian Colmery

"So I’ve decided that I need to start praying that I’d stop living like God is real and start living because God is real. The beautiful part of this is how easy responding to life becomes—I don’t need to worry about how I look, because I won’t need to stay in character anymore. No more reminding myself that Christians read their bible and pray, no more reminding myself that Christians don’t get frustrated with people out of selfishness, no more reminding myself that Christians draw on their love for God when they worship. Instead, I’ll actually be someone in love with God. And that, as far as I can tell, is the whole point."
-Brian Colmery

The problem is alot of us; I would say alot of us in this room if not all of us- love God. But the hard thing about this command is we love God not with our entire selves. We love God with part of our mind, a fraction of our soul, with a portion of our heart. And God says "That's not going to do it. You need to love me with your entire self. You need to be completely consumed completely saturated you need to be able to focus solely on me you can't have love for anything else in this world."
Matt Moore

"The skill of the divine potter is an infinite patience of improvisation. No sooner has one work gone awry than his fingers are pressing it into the form of another. There is never a moment for the clay, when the potter is not doing something with it. God is never standing back and watching us; his fingers are on us all the time,"
- Austin Farrer

But Jesus says: if you will let the real God come into your life, then you will experience a huge freedom from the anxiety over survival; none of the usual concerns over livelihood will furrow your brow or weigh you down....Open yourself to my God whose passionate love is unreasonable and trust Him wholeheartedly....If we let the Lion of Judah run loose as Lord of our lives, He will not want us to be poor, broken, or sad. Yet He may allow it, knowing that in these conditions we are more likely to let Him make us rich, whole, and happy.
Brennan Manning.

"We've talked about this before- The idea that eternal life isn't quantity, it's not about how long it is, it's not like a huge number of years. It's about quality. It's life like to the full, life that's abounding, life that's kinda maxed out and fraying at the edges cause it's trying to explode. It's that kinda life. The idea is that it's quality and not quantity. That it maxes out, frays the edges, just jumps out of whatever you have it in. It just get out; it's a big kind of life. And Jesus says "This is what I mean when I say eternal life- to know God.""
Brian Colmery

"We are always looking at what's in God's hands. What can you get from God, what blessing can you get from God. Check this out, we are looking at what God has in his hands; and we're waiting and we're waiting and we're waiting and he's not giving and he's not giving. Don't seek what's in God's hands. Seek His heart, seek His face and he will delight to give you all that is in his hands."
"Bring your requests to God, ask him to change your circumstances. And if he doesn't ask him to use them."
-Nick Vujicic

"Love—the true kind of love, the kind of love that overflows inside of us because of who God is and who we are and who He has born us anew to be—ought to pervade every piece of our life."

"The joy of Christians should be contagious, not because their life is always great by the world’s standards but because their life is always great by God’s standards. Not because we feel like we should be that way, but because, as God so powerfully works in us, we are. Jesus thought the person collecting money in the tollbooth was worth a passing moment of actual care. A warm smile and a twinkle of understanding in the eye. The lady behind the diner counter was important to Him. He didn’t ignore people, because he never had anything on his mind that was a higher priority. He didn’t rate them or base his response on their usefulness to Him or their respect of His rights. He lived a life of love.

This is the God we follow, and this is the road He’s called us to walk on. It’s not about us, it never has been. It’s about humility, and perspective. It’s about being filled with the Spirit every day. But most of all, it’s about reckless, overwhelming, box-breaking, life abandoning love all the time."
"And we often times have this thing where when we face temptation--we have these like youth group tricks, or stuff we read in the Bible or whatever acronyms or something that you use to face temptation. You sit there and you have that moment where you're deciding; I really want to be sinfully angry right now, I really want to lust right now, I really want to be greedy right now, I really want to be self-centered right now, you have that moment where you're deciding. And often times it's just like I'll guilt myself into not doing it or I'll try really hard or I'll just give up and go for it. There's all these different responses we can have. But one that I had never heard before I read this verse was-- thinking about how good God has been to you in the past. If you want to keep the commandments of God. If you want to have your hope in him. This guys said "Then make sure you sit at the feet of some people who've seen God work, make sure you think about all these stories of what God's done in other people lives and what God's done in your life. Just make sure you recognize how faithful God is." And all of a sudden it won't be a big issue to walk right past that stuff. Because you'll just sit there thinking "Man, no, I see God's got me on this track I mean he's got me going somewhere and I don't need this. I can just bypass this. Cause I see where we're headed and it's a good place" And you just keep walking."
-Brian Colmery

Friday, May 9, 2008


Long before you knew this heart of mine
Lord you knew me; you loved me as your own
So how can I feel broken and alone?
So empty, so lonely, and afraid
Yet I know, underneath it all you still are moving.

I will choose the steeper way
Embrace the trials here today
It's a sweet surrender
Surrounded by my doubts and fears
I'll take this step cause you are near
It's a sweet surrender

The comforts of this world will quickly fade
So you call me to something deeper still
A restful heart and soul in things secure
To trust you, to know you, as my own
Yet I know, underneath it all you still are moving.

I will choose the steeper way
Embrace the trials here today
It's a sweet surrender
Surrounded by my doubts and fears
I'll take this step cause you are near
It's a sweet surrender

And everyday comes together like a tapestry
Someday we will see it's beauty on the other side.

I will choose the steeper way
Embrace the trials here today
It's a sweet surrender
Surrounded by my doubts and fears
I'll take this step cause you are near It's a sweet surrender

clothed in darkness,
blinded eyes
no where to turn to,
hopeless, unwise

chained down by my sin,
a prisoner
wanting forgiveness,
so insecure

there's gotta be life for me
there's gotta be hope
there's gotta be life for me
I want to be free
Free of guilt and free of shame
someone to finally clear my name
I wanna live, I wanna live
and to believe

Free from sin and free from death
before I give up my last breath
I wanna live, wanna finally,
finally be free

a ray of light, I have seen
the grace to turn to,
it set me free

You broke the chains that,
held me down
whispered forgiveness
O what a sound

You gave Your life for me,
You gave me hope,
You gave Your life for me

Now I'm free, free of guilt
and free of shame
by the power of Your name
I'm gonna live, I'm gonna live
and to believe

Free from sin and free from death
the moment You gave Your last breath
I'm gonna live, I'm gonna finally
finally be free

I know there is life for me, I know there is hope, I know there is life for me

Because I'm free
Free of guilt and free of shame
By the power of Your name
I'm gonna live, gonna live and to believe,

I'm free from sin and free from death,
the moment you gave Your last breath,
I'm gonna live because I'm finally,
finally free

Thursday, May 8, 2008


Guys I'm done with being superficial. I'm done. I know I've said this before but you have no idea how much I mean it now.

I don't want to be superficial but yet, I'm scared to death to be real. Why? Because I'm a screwed up messed up hopeless person. Oh, I know you would say everyone has their issues, but honestly mine seem really large and glaring. It gets even better too, I'll pray and ask God to give me strength to change in an area and I don't, given the means and the time I do the things that in my head I swore I'd never do again, better than that if not given a means, I find a means.

This isn't a matter of avoiding temptation or being able to say no to it.

I'm sorry but this is not where I am at. I am at the point where I can not say no to temptation and even if I do avoid it something always comes up.

It's been crippling my relationship with God, yes I know this. But I've prayed and begged God to take it away. Oh you have no idea how I've prayed and begged. Yet I more of me doesn't want it taken it away. I take that back even if it'd be easier I don't want it taken away. Tears spent; emotions worn thin. I gave up last night.

I can't do this. I can't. And I'm tired of putting on the act like I can, I'm tired of donning the mask that makes it looks like I can handle this, so it's off.

I can't do this.

I can't.

I'm done.

This is God's work and I don't see the purpose and I don't know why it's happening and I don't know why it is me and I don't know why I'm in this place at this time with these people, right now. But it is. And if God started a good work in me, then he's going to finish the job.

He's going to and I have to rest in that.

There is a purpose and I have to know that. I have to know it with my head but also with my heart.

Why do I have to know this? Because to do some of the things that I need to do, I have to know that this is what I am suppose to do. Does that makes sense?

I need to know with ever fiber of my being, with ever cell in my body that I am doing the right thing. That this is what God wants me to do. Not what people necessarily want me to do; everyone else might think I've gone completely mad, and I very well may of gone insane. But you have no idea how much I don't want to do this. You have no idea, I'm not the kind of girl who looks for things to go against just for the sake of being argumentative. I'm not. What do I do with the fact though that this feels like the right thing to do? What do I do with the fact that I've prayed about it for hours and I still have this sense that this is what God wants me to do?

What if everyone hates me?

What if people think I'm this awful horrible girl?

What if people think I'm just this rebellious teenager and therefore discount everything I say?

Who cares.

No, seriously who cares. If I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do then who cares?

Who cares what other people think of me?

Who cares if everyone hates me?

Who cares if they listen to nothing I say?

It doesn't matter.

It really truly honestly sincerely doesn't matter.

I know this is the right thing to do.

Cause I give up. I can't do this. I just can't.

Monday, May 5, 2008


Blackberry blossoms ...I think.

My last English class was today, My teacher said I didn't fail the class so that was a relief. =) I handed in my three papers and talked to him for a while about what I teachers I should take this summer and stuff like that. Then I headed back home and on a whim [I like doing things on whims] decided to see if Good Will had any good books. =P They did and it made me quite happy. I found RedWall for 50 cents and a book by Jerry Bridges for $1.50 plus a bunch of others. Yes, it made my day.

Then I read for a while but it was such a pretty day out [even if it was a little warm] that I decided to go and ride my bike up back behind my house. It was rather lovely.

My two middle siblings are over at Sterlings. Alas, I am at home--which I'm actually completely fine with. =P

I am tired, fighting for joy isn't easy. There are times it's easy and other is not so easy.

There are times I wish it wasn't a command--the whole "rejoice in the Lord always" deal. Honestly there are times where it feels good to feel sorry for myself and indulge in self-pity, worry, ect. But I know it's better for me, and the more I dwell on God's love for me the sillier I seem for not wanting to. Anyways that may make no sense at all but oh well. =P

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Last night I was getting ready for bed but I was thinking about something, I was completely engrossed in thinking about it. I brush my teeth, turn the hot water on, put face wash on my hands and rub them together to spread it around. [I was still engrossed in my own world thinking] I'm deep in thought as I go to rub the soap all over my face, no, wait....that's glass? what? I'm pulled out of my thoughts to find that I have rubbed soap all over my glasses. It was a rude interruption from my deep ponderings.

Yes, I'm a ditz. =P

Saturday, May 3, 2008

sometimes i say too much
and sometimes i don't say enough
sometimes i hurt the ones
that you all know i'd like to love
and sometimes i just give in
when i know that i shouldn't
sometimes i'm too afraid
sometimes it's just too late

this is all i've got
it's all i am
all i've got
it's all for you

and if i tell you that i love you, do you love me?
can you hear me can you hear me
if i tell you that i need you do you want me can you hear me calling out

think of all the price you pay
i pray the lord my soul to take
everytime i break everytime

I like that song.

Also, I had an enjoyable day yesterday.

Who cares? I mean that in a good way. =P

Thursday, May 1, 2008


I'm going to copy some of my friends and just write a cryptic post that makes sense to no one but myself. =P

Today has been a good day, and no, I'm not just saying that either.
You know when there's been something that's been holding you back from growing, and you know you need to let it go but you don't let it go because you're afraid of what might happen if you do, but in the same way you're afraid of what will happen if you don't let go?
Well, ok, maybe you don't but I do.
I'm ready to grow now.
I'm ready to be pruned and cut in any way God sees fit to do it.
Yes, it does hurt.
Hacking off things normally does.
But in the midst of the hurt there is an unexplainable comfort.
An assurance that there is a reason for everything.
A hope that God does crazy things with my life.
And a love that can never ever be explained.

Yes, I'm sorry but I believe it all goes back to love.
Maybe that's just the place that I am at and when I mature more I will see that it really isn't all about love.
But at this point in time I can't see how it is about anything else.
Everything seems to stem and grow from this.
At least anything good.
Love is the root to joy and peace and patience and kindness and goodness.
Love really is the thing that makes the world go round.
If God didn't love us, he wouldn't care, if he didn't care, he wouldn't keep us here to live much less kill his one son.
God is love.

This is just one thought that makes up one of the strands in messed up pile of thoughts that is sitting in my head right now. I'm trying to pick through them but alas it's fast becoming an overwhelming task. Right when I think I've reached the end of one--I seem to find that it's tied to another one. *shakes head* It can be very frustrating. Eh, scratch the can--it is very frustrating.

I'm unpacking them though, one at at time. What's really difficult is when they pop out all over the place. I'll be trying to unpack one nice and neatly and while I'm in the process of doing that--a dozen other thoughts come springing out after it. My head can be very trying at times.