Saturday, October 27, 2012

I have words tonight


At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me. -Clyde Kilby

**** italicized words unfortunately are not my own but Classic Crime lyrics 

I was to young to know the difference
I was just following orders
When the glass shattered around me
I learned a good lesson about my disorder

So I went on an hour long walk at the magic time that is twilight under a sky painted shades of blue, pink and purple.
And I listened to music (mostly Glass Houses on repeat), spun around, laughed, marveled at life, stood in awe, and thought.
I thought about how crazy this year has been, how drastically different my life is, how much I have changed over the course of my life, and how I wouldn't change a single thing.

I thought I was happy
I said all the right things
I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink
But it did

I thought about how I finally am becoming comfortable with who I am--imperfections and all.
As I waded through leaves that were ankle deep and the brisk night air wrapped itself around me--
I thought about how I really do believe with all of my being in this God who is not safe but who is good.
I realized that above all else I want Him.
Wreck my life--take away everything and I still will have more than I ever need because I have found Jesus.
He has blindsided me with his audacious, wild, deep, bold, reckless and ridiculous love that is so incredibly different than the way I love.

Somewhere deep down you know the difference
Between love and following orders
But if the chorus I sing is offensive
It's proof that you've yet to address your disorder

I have discovered the secret to happiness and joy regardless of the circumstances that may surround me.
No matter what people do--no matter who lets me down--I will be totally ok.
And I mean that.
I can walk through life with the joy of a child who trusts her father to take care of her.I don't have to worry about anything
I can stand in awe at the beauty in life.
I can love generously and live without fear. 
I can delight in the wind that feels like it is going to sweep me away, the sound that crisp leaves make when I wade through them, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning, and how good it feels to laugh and smile.
I can be ok with the fact that I am strange and embrace who God has created me to be.
I am imperfect but I am loved perfectly.
And that is enough for me.

Grace comes to those who wait
Comes to those who pray
Through tears they'll sing
We'll all sing

Looking Up is Good for My Soul


At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me. -Clyde Kilby

**** italicized words unfortunately are not my own but Classic Crime lyrics 

I was to young to know the difference
I was just following orders
When the glass shattered around me
I learned a good lesson about my disorder

So I went on an hour long walk at the magic time that is twilight this evening-- under a sky painted shades of blue, pink and purple.
I listened to music (mostly Glass Houses on repeat), spun around, laughed, marveled at life, stood in awe, and thought.
I thought about how crazy this year has been, how drastically different my life looks versus how I always pictured it turning out, how much I have changed over the course of my life, and how I wouldn't change a single thing.

I thought I was happy
I said all the right things
I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink
But it did

I thought about how I finally am becoming comfortable with who I am--imperfections and all.
As I waded through leaves that were ankle deep and the brisk night air wrapped itself around me--
I thought about how I really do believe with all of my being in this God who is not safe but who is good.
I realized that above all else I want Him.
Wreck my life--take away everything and I still will have more than I ever need because I have found Jesus.
He has blindsided me with his audacious, wild, deep, bold, reckless and ridiculous love that is so incredibly different than the way I love.

Somewhere deep down you know the difference
Between love and following orders
But if the chorus I sing is offensive
It's proof that you've yet to address your disorder

I have discovered the secret to happiness and joy regardless of the circumstances that may surround me.
No matter what people do--no matter who lets me down--I will be totally ok.
And I mean that.
I can walk through life with the joy of a child who trusts her father to take care of her.I don't have to worry about anything
I can stand in awe at the beauty in life.
I can love generously and live without fear. 
I can delight in the wind that feels like it is going to sweep me away, the sound that crisp leaves make when I wade through them, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning, and how good it feels to laugh and smile.
I can be ok with the fact that I am strange and embrace who God has created me to be.
I am imperfect but I am loved perfectly.
And that is enough for me.
:)

Grace comes to those who wait
Comes to those who pray
Through tears they'll sing
We'll all sing

Monday, October 22, 2012

“Real freedom is freedom from the opinions of others. Above all, freedom from your opinions about yourself.”
-Brennan Manning

I love this quote. I know that it is so true for my life. 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Forgot to turn off my "time to leave my car and go into work" alarm last night so 0638 I am rudely awakened by a blaring noise to the right of my head and the first thought that flashes through my head as I blearily open my eyes, "It's awfully dark outside to be 8:15..." Oppps.
Though waking up at 6:40 on a Saturday morning is not typically how I enjoy spending my weekend--it worked out. I finished reading Opening Moves I started it on Tuesday so it was about time that I finished ;)
Then I went running upon stepping outside into the crisp morning air and seeing the whispers of fall as the sun filters through a veil of leaves that are on the cusp of turning brilliant reds, oranges, and yellows I realized once again being outside is good for my soul. As music echoed through my headphones and reverberated through my head I came to the realization once again that I am incredibly fortunate and God is so so ridiculously good.
And I decided in that moment what I want my life to be characterized by--I want to live a life that is known by infectious joy and I want to live as if I hold the secret to a meaningful life that everyone is searching for, because I am. I want to live as if I really get that I am forgiven, free, and deeply loved.

And I also came to the realization that I am still the 17 year old girl that I use to be--I have changed but I am still the same in the ways that matter most. And that relieves me.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Today was super long and I am exhausted.
There is my one sentence.
Ha.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Goals I am making for myself.
Write daily even if only a sentence.
Run once a day if I work--twice a day if I am off--even if it is only for 10 mins.
Grow in patience.
Become ok with the fact that I don't know what my future holds (and stop trying to figure it out)
Finally come to terms with the fact that I am 22 years old...
Whattttttttt

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I am thankful for bad days at work because they help me appreciate the good days all that much more.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again

----------------------------

Take it.


And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love, love, love
Burning in my heart

Take my life, take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You
Take my heart, take all that I have
Jesus, how I adore You
----------------------------------------------
I love this song so much. 
It's the song I turned on this morning as I threw open the windows open and basked in the fall sunshine. 
Threw my arms around and spun around the room and begged God to do this with my life. I want so desperately to be surrendered completely to walk to the heartbeat of Jesus. Yet, honestly it terrifies me as well because...I don't know exactly what that looks like for me and I like having a plan.
Loving people is hard. It runs counterintuitive to my natural state of mind. Most of the time I am very very me focused and it's hard to break that cycle.

And sometimes I want to wait until I feel loving before I love...But I am learning that when I love the feelings follow and that I can't sit around and wait for something as finicky as feelings. 

Case in point a few weeks ago I was taking care of a particularly cranky lady who I just couldn't crack and I am typically good at getting people to at least kinda sorta like me but this lady was not about to like anyone and had nothing but complaints and just wanted more and more pain medication. And then one night before I went home I overheard her telling her friend that her "little nurse" was taking her IV morphine because it wasn't helping her at all... So I went in and assured her that I was not taking it--but she just glared at me with her narrowed beady little eyes and said she didn't believe me... So I finally gave up, finished up my charting and went home just mad, discouraged and really really tired. 

And then I had to go back the next day...and I just did my job and tried my best to avoid her room. However, it turned out that I had to take her outside and help her get in the car. So as we stood outside and the breeze played with my hair and I prayed--because I did not love this woman. Borderline tolerance is what I was feeling at this point in our relationship. So even though my heart was warring inside me-- I told her "I am thankful that I got to take care of you and I am glad that I got the chance to meet you and I really hope you have a great recovery." And then I bent down and gave her cranky butt a hug. And to my amazement her beady and critical eyes softened and filled with tears and all of a sudden I saw an old lady who was incredibly lonely and needed love just as much I do. And apologies fell from her thin lips and she begged me understand that she was just ill and didn't feel good and she was so so sorry for being mean to me. And when I looked into her eyes and told her that it was ok, I understood that it is hard being sick and that I really was glad I got the chance I got to meet her. I meant it with all my heart. 

This is what I am learning--I just need to be faithful with what I have been given with what is right in front of my face. Because love is an action not a feeling.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Satisfied.


I have a hard time embracing who I am and who God has created me to be. (You think that by now I would have figured this out)

All I seem to see is the list of problems that I have which is a mile long. Even when I acknowledge that I am good at something--then it goes to my head and I can feel the tentacles of pride wrapping themselves around my heart and then I get mad at myself for letting things go to my head.

I want to be perfect. I want to stop messing up. I'm tired of being judgmental. I'm tired of not being as loving and patient as I should be. I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of wrestling for faith and struggling to hold on. I'm tired of being the prodigal son that ran away and spent time in the pig pen--and I am also the son that stayed and had a major attitude about it and thought he was all that and a bag of chips.

I'm tired of wanting to run away.

So I turn on music and I let Jason Gray, Andrew Peterson, Brandon Health, ect remind me of the truth that seems so hard to hold onto.

The truth that I am so incredibly and deeply loved just as I am.
That I measure up because when God looks at me He sees Jesus.
That inspite of my countless failings and foibles He is satisfied with me.

And if God is satisfied with the work He is doing in me...perhaps just maybe I can be satisfied with it as well.
Maybe.

Monday, October 8, 2012

This weekend was rough.

I get so frustrated with my so many shortcomings.

How easily I am distracted from the important things.
How easily I cast judgments and label people.
How easily I forget that God is trustworthy and good.

I cried in anger and frustration.

I get so tired of fighting. So tired of finding out how incredibly incompetent I am.
I was so tired of being messed up.
I was so tired of how hard loving people actually is.

I lost sight of who I am.

I went and soaked myself in music that reminded me of who I really am.

I am chosen.
I am a child of God.
I am loved.
More than I can ever imagine.

Jason Gray and Andrew Peterson and Downhere reminded me.

And I spun around because I am loved even if I am not perfect.
I am loved even though I mess up.
Jesus loves me even when I don't love very well.

I can rest in that and just enjoy the dance.
 



Saturday, October 6, 2012

This is where I bleed on paper and make everyone uncomfortable and show really how messed up I am. Woop woop.


Forgive me it is late and I am tired and in one of my writing moods-- so humor me.
(Please do not read if profanity offends you, this is me being honest.)

I mess up.
I sin, judge, think like a prick, and think very self-righteously.
I suck at loving people that I don't understand.
Suck.
I'm sorry everyone I'm trying but I fall so so short all the time.
I try and convince myself that I believe that we are all on a level playing field.
But I don't really believe it.
I say it.
I want to believe it.
But I don't.
I'm treat the people around me like walking trees way to often.
I want to love like Jesus.
But it's so hard.
I cast judgement in my head.
I run away from people that make me uncomfortable and I don't understand.
It took a friend who loves me enough to be honest with me.
And I knew this already but I've been trying to bury it.
Trying to convince myself that I really don't judge people.
But I so do.
I try and figure out everything and God just wants me to love people.
I complicate things.
Oh I am so good complicate things.
I cried all the way home.
I am so messed up I don't even realize how messed up I am.
I'm the prodigal son that ran away and got burned by fire.
But I am also the self-righteous son who stayed home.
And I'm so tired of it. 
I'm so tired of fighting and trying so hard.
I'm tired of it.
So **** it all.
I just want to be more like Jesus.
And Jesus loved people.
Messed up people. Judgmental people. Lazy people. Crazy people. Addicted people. Slutty people. Prideful people. Broken people. Crazy people. Stupid people. Stuck up people.
He didn't set up perimeters around His love and acceptance.
He just loved. 
He met people where they were at.
And I don't know how to do this.
I'm terrified of it to be honest.
I'm so scared that I am going to say something wrong.
I'm scared of how messy people are.
I'm scared of being hurt.
I'm scared that I am going to screw something up.
I can't do it.
I can't do it on my own.
I guess that's the point though isn't it?
God help me.
It's time I start doing what I say I believe.

I'm so thankful that God died to save a sinful, judgmental, prick of a person like me.
And that He loves me.
Now I just need to wrap myself up in that.
I'm gonna keep it simple.
I am going to love God.
And love people.
Even when I don't know exactly how that is going to look.
I'm just going to do it.
Also I can't wait to get to heaven.
The end.

(So I chickened out and used asterisk and don't lie you read this just because you wanted to see if I really cussed. :P)