Monday, May 28, 2012

How to be a Good Follow

By: Stacia Denhart

(bold and italize added by yours truly)

I've decided to give-up on the whole trying to figure out God's will for my life thing.  Attempting to unravel this mystery has been the dominant theme of my life for at least the past eight years now.  And I'm tired of it.  It hasn't seemed to be working very well for me, so I'm giving up...

...Part of my problem (and I guess this isn't such a bad thing, but it sure as heck complicates matters) is that I desperately desire to live in God's will...  I believe all that jazz about Him having a wonderful plan for my life.  I believe it with all my heart.  And I want to discover that plan.  I want to walk into it.

Why then am I giving-up on trying to uncover what His plan for me is, you ask? Well, it all comes down to something I've been learning in my swing dance class.

How to be a good follow.

I've been taking swing dance lessons for the past two months now, and my dance teacher is always telling myself and the other ladies in the class that to be a good follow you shouldn't let yourself think too much about what you're doing.  If you think too much about what steps you're taking or what direction you're spinning, you'll end up anticipating your partner's lead, and you'll throw the whole thing off (not to mention, really annoy whomever you're dancing with). 

The key, according to my teacher, is to make sure you have good connection with your partner, let yourself enjoy the music, and "surrender" to your partner's lead (no joke...he actually used the word "surrender")

I don't have to know all of the next steps of the dance in order to dance well.
I am not responsbile for other people's dancing--only my own.
Also now I want to take up swing dancing again lol
I really think I am starting to understand this...

So from one of the most overly anilitical thinker there is--
Here is to not over thinking.
Here is to trusting your partner and letting Him lead.
Here is to not trying to figure out the end.
Here is to enjoying the dance.
Watch me go. :)

Saturday, May 26, 2012


Walking through the fire is never fun.

Difficult things, painful things, heartbreaking things are never ever fun things that I would naturally choose to endure.

But in the midst of the fire-I am so relieved because I find that I actually believe this.

I actually believe that God is in control.
I actually have faith.
I am not a fraud. 
Even if I make mistakes...
I really do at the core of my being believe this crazy stuff with my whole heart.
And relief washes over me like a sweet gentle breeze...

"A man can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel in the same way that the metal can’t see the sword. Yet the metal is painfully aware of one thing—someone is swinging the hammer. I know too, in the midst of my own shaping, that God is holding the hammer. And He is the light at the end of my tunnel. He will finish what He has begun, and it is that assurance that banishes any ghost that dares beset His child."

Monday, May 21, 2012

Actions are Hard.

I wish I was stronger.
But I am weak. So incredibly, depressingly, sadly weak.
Told Stephen yesterday that I wasn't going to call and text him. And what do I do 26 hours later...text and try and call him.
It's so easy to say things. Words come easy for me.
And I meant them yesterday.
I said them with conviction. I said it with courage.
But when lonliness starts to surround you like a blanket.
And fear decends around you like a cloud.
And the pain feels like a bullet in your chest.
What do you then?
But what do I do when I know that the words are right but every fiber in my being is screaming out for me to do the opposite.
After I fail I call Mrs. George and cry.
I cry because I failed.
I cry because I  am sure all it does is annoy him and make him mad.
I cry because I hate annoying him and making him mad.
I cry because I want control and don't have it.
I cry because I long to understand and I don't.
I cry because I can't stop him from making unwise choices.
I cry because I don't want him to get hurt.
I cry because it is so hard.
And I cry because there is nothing I can do about it.

I cry because I know in my head that God is big enough but it's so hard to really get it sometimes.
I know God has a plan but when we see through a glass dimly lit we can't see it clearly and it hurts.
And the pain is sometimes enough to take your breath away.

I am a fixer.
What do I do when what is broken does not want to be fixed? 
I am a giver.
What do I do when no one wants what I have to bring?

What do I do when my hands cling to and clutch the very thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I must let go of.

I go to the bathroom and my scream is silent. My body shakes. And I know again I am weak.

The dicotomies of my faith.

Only by dying to ourselves can we truly live.
And in my weaknesses He is strong.

It's so hard when it doesn't feel that way though.
When the bottom drops out from under you and you feel like you are free falling
It's hard to remember that in reality--He's never ever let you go.

Actions my friends are so much much harder than words.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sometimes The End is The Beginning

So before the gossip train goes around (which I'm sure it has already started ;)) 

I'm going to throw it out there. Stephen and I have broken up. It happened this Friday. I thought we were doing well-- but at the end of the day he said that he didn't love me, didn't want to date me, and wanted his freedom after 4 years. And at first I didn't want to give it to him...

There were mistakes made on both sides--I can only speak to my own though. I'm sure I was to clingy and controlling and violently angry at times... :P

I was hurt and heartbroken--and frankly I am still heartbroken. But I am ok.

I won't lie for the first 39 hours I didn't eat, sleep, or drink anything. I was miserable, an emotional rollercoaster, and probably cried buckets. I thought I couldn't live life without him. I adore him. I prayed and bargained and wished and hoped and was depressed all the same time.

But then someone told me "The harder & longer you hold on, the more your hurt yourself." and even though 32432 people had told me that before that is the time and place that God made it click for me.

This WILL not define me. I am so much more than Stephen's girlfriend.

I am a beloved child of God and my Daddy is crazy about me.
My God has planned each day each step of my life--and He thinks that I can handle this.
And He was asking me to open my hands and let go of what I held most precious to me...
So I did it.

I think I'm on the brink of something large
Maybe like the breaking of the dawn
Maybe like a match being litOr the sinking of a ship,
letting go gives a better grip

Maybe one day we will get back together. Maybe we never will. 
Maybe I'll get married one day. Maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll live til I am 89. Maybe I'll die tomorrow.

I will be ok though.

I do know that no matter what--my Daddy has me close to His heart. And He adore me. And that is all I need.
And I mean ever single word of that.

Crazy thing--I was on a walk two weeks ago and listening to Jason Gray and I was feeling remarkable wonderfully good and so so loved. And I asked God that I wanted to grow even closer to Him and that even if it hurt I wanted. (ofcourse when it happened I rebelled and said "anything but this!". But I know it will be worth it.)

Now I am going to go outside and spin around and around like a child listening to this song....because I am adored and loved by the One who really matters.

Also thanks to all of the amazing people in my life who are always there for me no matter what.
Specially my mommy, Justin and Tyler.
I don't know what I would do without you.

(Side note: I am still going to have mental breakdowns I'm sure, and still cry, and it still hurts. But this is the thing we call Life.)

For my good and His Glory :)

This is where it begins
This is where all the worry ends
This is where I say
I don't need to have control

This is where I admit
I don't know how to handle it
Life in all of this chaos
You're my only hope
And all that I have to offer
Is the white flag of surrender

So take me to the middle of Your heart
Lead me to wherever Your love starts
To a new day dawning
To the place You are
And if You want to take me over the edge
I'll let you cause Your love is where I'll land

Wanna be right where You are,
In the middle of Your heart

This is what I believe
That if I give you my everything
I will become who I was really born to be

I'll stand up and say it
Yeah, Your love is something I can put my faith in

What I carry...What I carry...But now I can let it go
Yeah I carry it
Lord I carry it
But now I can let it go
Yeah I can let it go