Sunday, November 30, 2008


There are no mystic jewels, embedded in my prose,
No moonlit haloed cherubs, perched on my piano,
No lyrics laced with pixie dust, no angels sings along.
I am just a beggar who gives alms

Gold and silver have I none, but such I have give thee,
Borrowed words from the one, who gave the gift to me,
The pearl that I could never buy, this life, this dream, this song,
And I am just a beggar who gives alms

I am not the creator, but a scribe with a pen,
I'm recreating visions, through a cracked and broken lens,
Only one has ever seen the home for which we long,
And I am just a beggar who gives alms.
~The Beggar Who Gives Alms
I want to see.
I'm so tired of seeing this world through a cracked and broken lenses.
I'm tired of seeing just a portion of the backside of the tapestry,
a corner of the painting,
and I'm tired of only seeing a second in the story....
I want to see the whole tapestry,
the whole painting,
and I want to read and know the whole story.
I know the beginning
I know the climax
and I know that God wins in the end.
The middle I'm figuring out as I live though.
And that can be a confusing, painful thing.
And yet...
at the same time it can be filled with love, joy, and peace.
It's a very confusing thing.
What would it look like if I put my all in Jesus.
All of my trust.
All of my faith.
All of my hope.
What if I really truly believe that my life was hidden up with Christ?
What if I really believe God loves me as much as He does?
What if.
I think I don't want to trust God sometimes because I'm scared that I don't deserve the things that he says to trust him about.
Cause I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve what he promises.
I don't deserve his love.
I don't deserve this eternal hope...
I don't.
"I don't" has kind of been the theme of my life.
And it's stopped there which is a bad thing.
Anything that starts with "I", should end with "but God."
I don't deserve what he promises, but God promises anyways.
I don't deserve his love, but God gives it to me anyways.
I don't deserve this eternal hope, but God has lavished it on me anyways.
But God.
God is good.
 I'm thankful for 
praying (aka good conversation with God)
( ^ which includes people that are practically family and you know who you are--including but not limited to the Georges and Justin)
reading for hours
thinking and pondering things
reading books that make me think
listening to sermons by--
Francis Chan;
Brian Colmery;
Chuck Bomar;
Todd Nighswonger;
Doug Fox;
Scott Mehl;
Louie Giglio;
Brad Buser;
Matt Moore;
and well you get the idea =P
helping Mrs George with weddings
laughing at my sister
fresh bread
getting and giving hugs
listening to music
flip flops
cinnamon rolls
the color green
sunrises and sunsets
long rambling walks
sunshine on my face
playing frisbee
listening to rain as you fall asleep
mint chocolate chip
big massive old trees
biting into apples
sports in general
wearing hoodies
falling stars
And the list goes on and on and on...
 Love you people.
Hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Do you not love how it seems like I can't write until it seems like the bottom has once again fallen out from under me and there seems no way to capture what I feel--but yet how I feel compels me to at least attempt to convey my thoughts in words.

It's a very confusing thing really.

I've decided that writing is somewhat of a salve for me and my heart when it aches sometimes and my head won't shut up. It's a therapy of sorts, really.

At least for one as I it is.

The yesterday was a long day--today was good, but the end of it was rather long, for reasons that really have no need for being remembered or spoken about.

Anyways though when I got home I got out my bible and read, to be more specific I read Jeremiah because it is a book that I do love. And to be even more specific Jeremiah 29:10-14.

Now mind you I'm not in exile but nonetheless they're comforting verses.

Also I remembered a dear dear quote of mine that I re-read.

You know those things that you read and in different times and places in life that jump out to you that you never noticed before? I know, I know I've posted this before, but every time I read it--it comforts me.

I thought Bright Sadness sounded suspiciously like the battle cry of the optimist. The donning of rose colored glasses calling out in the night for all to see the bright side of despair. More of a personality flaw than a birthright. Not something I could really get behind as being something tangible. I was wrong, of course. Bright Sadness is not the act of dusting heartache with sugar and glazing bitterness and resentment with a toothy smile. It is having little to do with wistful optimism and everything to do with hope in the light of the truth.
Hope that promises will be kept, that a refuge will hold., that the sun will return, that seasons will change despite the weighty darkness and all evidence to the contrary.

Hope at the center of despair.

The footprints left, when we look back at the most tempestuous season of life, are purposeful, organized, significance in the chaos--evidence that we were remembered in our darkest and most vulnerable days.
I don't understand this kind of hope, this kind of faith, this kind of trust, and the kind of love that all those things stem from. I don't understand them completely--but I know they're there.

I wish thing could pass from me but I'm wanting what you want
So bring me high or bring me low just hold me in your love.
I'm kind of tired kids.

I wish I was a better writer.

I wish right about now that I had a glimpse into the future to see what things will look like down the road.

Yet I'm incredibly thankful at the same time that I don't.

It's a dichotomy in my head.

My God really is bigger than anything isn't people?

I just need to keep screaming that to myself.

I love Stephen as well.

God give me strength to walk this path though.

Ok, I'm going to make my head shut up if it's the last thing I do. lol

Goodnight people.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I have new glasses.
And this is a bad picture.
Overheard countless times in the last two months: “I am concerned about the poor performance of my investments and savings.”

Not heard even one time in the last two decades:  “I am concerned about my poor performance in laying up treasure in heaven.”
-Dan Edelen

How apt is that?

Indeed, we are so worldly in not only our thoughts and actions, but in our very orientation.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

I dislike Atlanta. Their farmers market is cool and I'm sure the aquarium will be amazing--but by far I prefer Charlotte. lol

Thursday, November 6, 2008

What I find scary about God is that he answers prayers.

Not always in the way I may like him to--but he answers them nonetheless.

Life kids.

Pray/Kendall Payne
I will pray for you now, for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I couldn't not ask for more than what you've already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me
May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater every stride
May your company be of human insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride
What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the One who made us
And see Him smile when life is through
May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they'd be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see
May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you'd learn to trust the plan He has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true
I have prayed for you now all my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I'll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh, that you would pray for me

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Good doses of reality of who I am and who God is and how the world isn't going to end when I screw up or others screw up are rather helpful at times.

I was talking to Justin last night and I was trying to figure out why is it that sometimes when I feel the closest to God is when I've screwed up and gotten in trouble? Or when times are hard?

Don't hear what I'm not saying--I'm not saying that I never feel close to God when I'm doing really well, it just seems to me though that when things are going really well it's much easier for me to forget what God has done for me.

I want to get to the point that Paul got to. Where in Philippians he wrote "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

See I'm seeing that I know how to be brought low, I know how to face need, I know how to face bad times, but good times for me seem trickier to face. Grant it, they're easier they're more enjoyable, but in light of the fact that it seems so easy to lose sight of God they seem harder to me in a way.

The dicotomies I'm begining to see are seeming endless in this Kingdom that I've been brought into, stuff is turned around, reversed and it doesn't make sense in my head.

The fact that our sin could be used by God to become the pathway to a relationship with him, in light of his Son's sacrifice. Doesn't make sense in my head.

How can our weaknesses become our strengths?

How can things the hurt we carry become the strongest medicine that we need?

How can I be born depraved--yet created for the divine God?

How can death be in me, yet in my heart resides eternal life?

How can God be perfectly just and perfectly merciful as well?

How can God love me?

These things don't make sense.

Stuff God does and who God is sometimes I don't get either....but that's another time.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

"God is sovereign. God is good. He will provide and He has provided. Everything is going to be alright."
- Jon Acuff

There we go, how I feel about the election, politics, and life in general.

Even when I really screw up it's true.

I don't understand why it's true but it is....

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I believe...

I was a boy, just nine years old,
I heard the call and came.
They buried me beneath the water,
then I rose again.

Well, you know my dad was a preacher man.
I walked the aisle and I took his hand.
He said, “Son, just do the best you can, and say the words,
I believe he is the Christ, the Son of the living God.'”

Through the years I barely fell;
I mostly dove right in.
I drank so deep from the shallow well only to thirst again.
Well, I sang the hymns at the summer camp,
then I rocked and rolled with a lousy band
till I heard a song that took my hand and led me home.
And I believe he is the Christ, Son of the living God.

All I know is that I was blind but now I see
though I kick and scream,
Love is leading me.
And every step of the way his grace is making me;
with every breath I breathe, he is saving me.
And I believe.

So when my body’s weak and the day is long,
when I feel my faith is all but gone,
I’ll remember when I sing this song that I believe.
I believe he is the Christ, Son of the living God, my Lord, my Savior.
Oh, Hosanna, I believe.

-The Good Confession Andrew Peterson

Christ not only saved me, he’s continuing to save me. Every morning, his mercies are made new. I’m saved again. And again. My only plea now and always will be the same thing I confessed when I was nine and bawling into my dad’s hip: “I believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, my Lord and my Savior.
-Andrew Peterson

I like this.

See I love my God.

He mercies are truly new every morning.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like that though, I know.
There have been times over the past....uhhhh year or so I've asked God if I am truly, really, honestly saved. Because it just seemed like the things I was struggling with were things that good little Christian girls shouldn't struggle with. It just seemed like I should have control of my life and feelings...and well I didn't. lol

Anywayssss! =P

Yesterday morning I was walking downstairs after an arduous night and I felt and looked like death warmed over, anyways I was walking through the kitchen and looked out the window, it was gorgeous out. Sun was filtering gently though the leaves of the huge oak trees in our backyard. My legs felt like they couldn't hold my weight and I leaned against the fridge as my eyes filmed over with this liquid substance.
"God, are you mercies truly new every morning?"
"Ok, I believe you."
Seriously that was my thoughts and conversation with God.
So when I listened to that song last night and read that quote this morning--it was rather fitting...rather completely fitting.
See even though it's been a rather long couple years, and even though I haven't done or said everything perfect, I know that God is working in my life. Even if I can't see it clearly.
I look through a cracked and broken lenses...
But that's ok, I don't have to see everything clearly. =)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I'm rather tired....

Ahhhhh life.

Life and I have a love hate relationship.

I like plans.

I think alot.

I think to much sometimes...ok alot of times.
It knocked me down, it dragged me out, it left me there for dead.
It took all the freedom I wanted and gave me something else instead.
It blew my mind, it bled me dry, it hit me like a long goodbye, and nobody here knows better than I that it’s a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It’ll fall like rain on your parade, laugh at the plans that you tried to make, it’ll wear you down till your heart just breaks and it’s a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It’ll wake you up in the middle of the night, it’ll take just a little too much.
It’ll burn you like a cinder till you’re tender to the touch.
It’ll chase you down, swallow you whole, it’ll make your blood run hot and cold.
Like a thief in the night it’ll steal your soul, and that’s a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It’ll follow you down to the ruin of your great divide, and open the wounds that you tried to hide.
And there in the rubble of the heart that died you’ll find a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

Take cover, the end is near.
Take cover, but do not fear.
It’ll break your will, it’ll change your mind, it’ll loose all the chains of the ties that bind.
If you’re lucky you’ll never make it out alive, and that’s a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It can hurt like a blast from a hand grenade when all that used to matter is blown away.
There in the middle of the mess it made you’ll find a good thing.
Yes, it’s worth every penny of the price you pay.
It’s a good thing.
Love is a good thing.
Do not fear.

-Love is a Good Thing Andrew Peterson

I love my parents. [even if I can get worked up about stuff]

I love the Georges. [especially Mrs. George =)]

I love Stephen [really, I truly do].
And I love and adore my God. [like suriously. =P]

[although I do wish I knew what my life in it's entirety would look like. And there are times that I really wish that I could see everything God is doing and working on in my life... lol]