I struggle with this.

"What He [God] does not want is our silence, in the service of a narrow definition of what constitutes "encouraging.""

Ouch. I don't believe that. I know it is true in my head- but for some reason I don't think this is true of God.

I apply what I know about the majority of the human race to God.

Cause honestly the majority of humanity doesn't really want to know what you think--they don't want you to be honest. When they ask a question they really don't want to hear what you think or feel. They want to hear the "right" answer. And it's not that uncommon when you don't give them the answer they so desire that, tempers flare and things go downhill.

I think I drag this baggage of my past and present human relationships into my relationship with God.

I pretty up myself before I pray--instead of being honest. Instead of going before the one who already knows exactly what's going on in my head honestly--I try to say what I think he wants me to say. I try to say the "right" thing.

Instead of just crawling on his lap and bawling my eyes out.
Instead of being real.

"God is revealed in our weakness, in our heart cries, and in our humanness. He made us this way. And He loves us -- the honest us. What He doesn't want, and what He can't stand, is a religious charade."

"I'm so glad even that scandal is in the Bible. God is mysterious. He is good, but you don't have Him all figured out, either. He is mysterious. And he honors our pursuit of Him -- our honest pursuit of Him. Maybe He can handle more than you think."

I want a God that I can have figured out. I want a box God. Oh God himself knows that I want a box God right now.

I want a God that makes sense. That isn't crazy and wild. I want a God that works with reason and sense. I don't want a mysterious God.

I don't want scandal. Even though I know there wouldn't be the scandal that is God's grace and his forgiveness and his absolute crazy ridiculous love.

It's just I'm so worn out.

I'm tired of this crazy journey that I've been on and that I'm still on. I'm tired of being dragged along on a wild roller coaster of a ride.

There God you want honesty--there you go.