Friday, January 13, 2012

All over the place. (it's how my brain works)

00:15. And I am to be awake at 0550.
Good news is that hopefully I will get to go home early tomorrow because I will be in overtime after 14:00.
My world revolves around military time in case anyone was wondering lol

So so much that I could talk about I don't know where to start.

I love my job. Most days.
Am thankful for it-everyday.
It stretches my patience and compassion and I am learning so much.
Charting sucks though. lol Some days I like to imagine a world where charting isn't necessary and the gobs of time I would have to talk with my patients if I didn't have to chart ;)
I have learned to love old people though. They are so sweet and adorable *98% of the time*
I meet all sorts of interesting people. And most days I am able to find the humor in all the chaos that we create.
Stat responses are not my favorite though.

Anyways though!
Passion! was incredible. (as it always is)
Stephen was not prepared for how amazing it was--and now I don't think I'll have to drag him back :)
I left with my head and heart so full.
And they still are.
I'm trying to process it all and figure it out.
Francis, Louie, and Christine Caine along with the panel of people they had this year--absolutely floored me and messed me up.
They all made me want to drop everything I had and run into the slums/streets/brothels and love like Jesus. Setting free captives and doing something that matters with my life.
It's hard because I know that I know that I'm where I am suppose to be right now. Boyfriend, job, at home. And that I am called to be faithful and loving where God has me at right. now.

Anyways another thing I have been thinking about and discussing with Stephen is the idea of "balance" when about become a Christian. When you first become a Christian or you become fired up and want to do something "crazy" and are longing to actually live how Jesus live there are always very well meaning other believers that feel the need to insert themselves into your life and crazy plans and tell you that there needs to be a "balance". You know--Jesus would want you to love others--but it's also his plan for you to go to college and work on a career. Yes, Jesus wants you to give money and help other people--but He doesn't want you to be "unwise" God wants you to build a savings account. There must be a "balance" to everything.
The biggest problem is ^^^^ is me now. Something about that mindset has always bothered me. But I also really really like it to. I want a "balance" to exist. "Balance" in my life is very comfortable. It provides me with a small sense of security and safety. It's a warm little blanket of self disillusionment that I can throw over myself while I live in this cold, dark world.

But what if this "balance" has become something that people--that I use for an excuse.

What if Jesus didn't really come to bring balance to our tiny lives?
What if Jesus came to earth to wreck any preconceived notions in our head about what life is really about and how we should live it.?
What if Jesus wants to turn all "good" thinking upside down and calls us to trust God and depend on Him and not our security, savings accounts and jobs.?
What if Jesus really came to set us free.

Now don't hear what I'm not saying--I'm not saying school is bad. I'm not saying having a savings account is bad. I'm not saying that having a good job is bad.
And I am NOT saying that sitting on your proverbial ass and doing nothing or partying till you drop is what Jesus wants all of us to do.

Jesus wants lawyers, business men, and doctors to do his good work. But He wants them to do it for His name and his fame and his glory--not to provide them with a safe little comfortable fortress of a life.

All I'm saying is that I know that I grew up conditioned to believe that these things (school, good jobs) are what makes the world go round. Even if never said in so many words.
All I'm saying is that it's taking a bomb going off in my heart and soul and mind to get them rooted out and start to look at my life and purpose through a Jesus lenses--and not an American Christianity culture lenses.
All I'm saying is that maybe Jesus' dream for us is bigger than having a million dollars, owning a house, having 2.5 children and a nice safe, secure, comfortable life sheltered away from the world.

But what do I know.

I'm probably not "balanced" enough.

The end.

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