Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Do you not love how it seems like I can't write until it seems like the bottom has once again fallen out from under me and there seems no way to capture what I feel--but yet how I feel compels me to at least attempt to convey my thoughts in words.

It's a very confusing thing really.

I've decided that writing is somewhat of a salve for me and my heart when it aches sometimes and my head won't shut up. It's a therapy of sorts, really.

At least for one as I it is.

The yesterday was a long day--today was good, but the end of it was rather long, for reasons that really have no need for being remembered or spoken about.

Anyways though when I got home I got out my bible and read, to be more specific I read Jeremiah because it is a book that I do love. And to be even more specific Jeremiah 29:10-14.

Now mind you I'm not in exile but nonetheless they're comforting verses.

Also I remembered a dear dear quote of mine that I re-read.

You know those things that you read and in different times and places in life that jump out to you that you never noticed before? I know, I know I've posted this before, but every time I read it--it comforts me.

I thought Bright Sadness sounded suspiciously like the battle cry of the optimist. The donning of rose colored glasses calling out in the night for all to see the bright side of despair. More of a personality flaw than a birthright. Not something I could really get behind as being something tangible. I was wrong, of course. Bright Sadness is not the act of dusting heartache with sugar and glazing bitterness and resentment with a toothy smile. It is having little to do with wistful optimism and everything to do with hope in the light of the truth.
Hope that promises will be kept, that a refuge will hold., that the sun will return, that seasons will change despite the weighty darkness and all evidence to the contrary.

Hope at the center of despair.

The footprints left, when we look back at the most tempestuous season of life, are purposeful, organized, significance in the chaos--evidence that we were remembered in our darkest and most vulnerable days.
I don't understand this kind of hope, this kind of faith, this kind of trust, and the kind of love that all those things stem from. I don't understand them completely--but I know they're there.

I wish thing could pass from me but I'm wanting what you want
So bring me high or bring me low just hold me in your love.
I'm kind of tired kids.

I wish I was a better writer.

I wish right about now that I had a glimpse into the future to see what things will look like down the road.

Yet I'm incredibly thankful at the same time that I don't.

It's a dichotomy in my head.

My God really is bigger than anything isn't people?

I just need to keep screaming that to myself.

I love Stephen as well.

God give me strength to walk this path though.

Ok, I'm going to make my head shut up if it's the last thing I do. lol

Goodnight people.

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