Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sometimes The End is The Beginning

So before the gossip train goes around (which I'm sure it has already started ;)) 

I'm going to throw it out there. Stephen and I have broken up. It happened this Friday. I thought we were doing well-- but at the end of the day he said that he didn't love me, didn't want to date me, and wanted his freedom after 4 years. And at first I didn't want to give it to him...

There were mistakes made on both sides--I can only speak to my own though. I'm sure I was to clingy and controlling and violently angry at times... :P

I was hurt and heartbroken--and frankly I am still heartbroken. But I am ok.

I won't lie for the first 39 hours I didn't eat, sleep, or drink anything. I was miserable, an emotional rollercoaster, and probably cried buckets. I thought I couldn't live life without him. I adore him. I prayed and bargained and wished and hoped and was depressed all the same time.

But then someone told me "The harder & longer you hold on, the more your hurt yourself." and even though 32432 people had told me that before that is the time and place that God made it click for me.

This WILL not define me. I am so much more than Stephen's girlfriend.

I am a beloved child of God and my Daddy is crazy about me.
My God has planned each day each step of my life--and He thinks that I can handle this.
And He was asking me to open my hands and let go of what I held most precious to me...
So I did it.

I think I'm on the brink of something large
Maybe like the breaking of the dawn
Maybe like a match being litOr the sinking of a ship,
letting go gives a better grip

Maybe one day we will get back together. Maybe we never will. 
Maybe I'll get married one day. Maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll live til I am 89. Maybe I'll die tomorrow.

I will be ok though.

I do know that no matter what--my Daddy has me close to His heart. And He adore me. And that is all I need.
And I mean ever single word of that.

Crazy thing--I was on a walk two weeks ago and listening to Jason Gray and I was feeling remarkable wonderfully good and so so loved. And I asked God that I wanted to grow even closer to Him and that even if it hurt I wanted. (ofcourse when it happened I rebelled and said "anything but this!". But I know it will be worth it.)

Now I am going to go outside and spin around and around like a child listening to this song....because I am adored and loved by the One who really matters.

Also thanks to all of the amazing people in my life who are always there for me no matter what.
Specially my mommy, Justin and Tyler.
I don't know what I would do without you.

(Side note: I am still going to have mental breakdowns I'm sure, and still cry, and it still hurts. But this is the thing we call Life.)

For my good and His Glory :)

This is where it begins
This is where all the worry ends
This is where I say
I don't need to have control

This is where I admit
I don't know how to handle it
Life in all of this chaos
You're my only hope
And all that I have to offer
Is the white flag of surrender

So take me to the middle of Your heart
Lead me to wherever Your love starts
To a new day dawning
To the place You are
And if You want to take me over the edge
I'll let you cause Your love is where I'll land

Wanna be right where You are,
In the middle of Your heart

This is what I believe
That if I give you my everything
I will become who I was really born to be

I'll stand up and say it
Yeah, Your love is something I can put my faith in

What I carry...What I carry...But now I can let it go
Yeah I carry it
Lord I carry it
But now I can let it go
Yeah I can let it go

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