Monday, May 21, 2012

Actions are Hard.

I wish I was stronger.
But I am weak. So incredibly, depressingly, sadly weak.
Told Stephen yesterday that I wasn't going to call and text him. And what do I do 26 hours later...text and try and call him.
It's so easy to say things. Words come easy for me.
And I meant them yesterday.
I said them with conviction. I said it with courage.
But when lonliness starts to surround you like a blanket.
And fear decends around you like a cloud.
And the pain feels like a bullet in your chest.
What do you then?
But what do I do when I know that the words are right but every fiber in my being is screaming out for me to do the opposite.
After I fail I call Mrs. George and cry.
I cry because I failed.
I cry because I  am sure all it does is annoy him and make him mad.
I cry because I hate annoying him and making him mad.
I cry because I want control and don't have it.
I cry because I long to understand and I don't.
I cry because I can't stop him from making unwise choices.
I cry because I don't want him to get hurt.
I cry because it is so hard.
And I cry because there is nothing I can do about it.

I cry because I know in my head that God is big enough but it's so hard to really get it sometimes.
I know God has a plan but when we see through a glass dimly lit we can't see it clearly and it hurts.
And the pain is sometimes enough to take your breath away.

I am a fixer.
What do I do when what is broken does not want to be fixed? 
I am a giver.
What do I do when no one wants what I have to bring?

What do I do when my hands cling to and clutch the very thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I must let go of.

I go to the bathroom and my scream is silent. My body shakes. And I know again I am weak.

The dicotomies of my faith.

Only by dying to ourselves can we truly live.
And in my weaknesses He is strong.

It's so hard when it doesn't feel that way though.
When the bottom drops out from under you and you feel like you are free falling
It's hard to remember that in reality--He's never ever let you go.

Actions my friends are so much much harder than words.

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