Alive

 

After grabbing breakfast with Tyler, I was going to head home...but my spirits were too high, the sunshine was sparkling too brightly, music was playing too loudly, the sky was too clear, and furthermore the day was much too young to start on American Lit homework.

I therefore did the only sensible thing, I kept driving...for an hour I glided along the country roads back behind my place of residence.

These are the things that made me happy, that I thought about, and that I was grateful for.

And I am not even going to try and make this follow a coherent thought pattern because it did not exist in my head this morning.

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Out of 8 million other people that could have been-I am here. I am character that was breathed to life to play a small part for a short time in this epic Story--I am overwhelmingly thankful. May I play my part well.

I love

Barren trees reaching their spindly branches into a clear blue sky

Rolling pastures with white fences winding around the perimeter with horses grazing peacefully

Houses made of stone.

Old grave yards with trees hanging low around the stones.

The way the cold air bites at your skin when you roll the windows down

Being alive.

I believe in theory that prayer works--but I have a hard time believing and grasping that my prayers make any difference at all.

I am so incredibly thankful that God loves me too much to give me what I ask for when He knows what is best for me.

There have been times that I grasped at God and for faith with hands of full of pain and confusion. I have begged for clarity in the midst of senslessness.

And now I can laugh because I know that He is faithful, and I am loved beyond measure. SLOWLY I am learning that I do not need clarity-- I am learning that trust is better.

How incredibly boring would it be if in every book you read the characters always knew what was going to happen to them? This is why I do not need to know.

I have an amazing family, the best friends in the entire world, and I love the people that I have the pleasure of working with at the hospital.

I want to drink deeply from the cup that is life--the joy and the pain. 

Only Steven James could write a book that would make me go research quantum physics and quantum entaglement. Maybe when Jesus tells us to watch our thoughts...He knows more than we do-it's an amazing but yet sobering thought. 

I long for the day when I get to hear the words, "Further up and further in!"

Life is an awfully grand adventure.

Boom.

I had an Epiphany.

So driving alone for longer than 40 minutes is a dangerous thing for me. I start to think...

I had an epiphany while driving to a bridal shower today. I'm sitting in the car driving down the road listening to some song and this thought flashes through my mind.

My life makes too much freaking sense. (except I didn't think the word freaking)

And I froze.

You know what--if God doesn't exist--my life still looks ok.

I'm one of the most sensible people I know and this scares me.

Paul said that if the good news of Jesus isn't true we are to be pitied--but not me. You wouldn't pity me because my life still looks good.

I have a great job. I have thousands in the bank. I save 75% of my pay check for a "rainy" day. I plan extraordinarily well and am super self-sufficient. I eliminate trusting God out of the equation. I try not to cuss, I don't sleep around, I don't get wasted, and I go to church. I'm all about balance, moderation and planning.

I've been saved from the pits of hell for this?

All the things I've ever read start to flash through my brain.

I am terrified that I am the rich young ruler and not Zaccheus. I am afraid I am the Pharisee and not the woman who gave her very last coins. Francis Chan messages and Brant Hansen's article on loving with abandon and giving recklessly start to crowd about in my head and I realize I can't live like this anymore.

I admire people who give it all and live with abandon--but then I realized--what is keeping me from living like that?

I'm saving money when I could be giving a child a chance to go to school? A chance to walk again? 

If I truly believe what I say I believe--then my life doesn't make sense.

If I say that I believe the Bible--my life doesn't make sense.

I say that I believe what Jesus says but has it really changed how I live?

Well no longer kids. I'm over these shenanigans--I believe and I'm going to start living like I actually believe what Jesus says.

First I'm going to ditch this money that's holding me back. And I know, I know, money isn't evil--but the love of money is and I so dearly love to watch my saving account grow--it gives me such a wonderful feeling of false security. And I like that people think I'm responsible because I do it. So we are going to get rid of that.

I'm done talking about giving it my all and about how Jesus means more to me than anything. I'm going to freaking do something about this.

I'm done talking about living--I'm actually going to live in a reckless and crazy way. Because I actually believe that God will come through for me.

I use to pray God take it all but in the back of my head I was always thinking about the things that I didn't really want him to take like don't take my sight or my leg or my ability to take care of myself.

But I'm done with the disclaimers.

Take it all from me--my money, my health, my family, my life. I've got something worth so so much more.

I have nothing to fear. I am all in.

And I am going to have a blast doing this :)

When I am tired and annoyed I write things that I will probably delete in the morning.

Horrible things happen, people choose to hurt people, people choose to kill people and people choose to hate people.

This has happened from nearly the very beginning of time when Cain chose to kill his brother because he was overwhelmed with envy and it has continued to happen all though-out history and it continues to happen today.

It would be nice if there were easy answers. It would be nice if we could find logical explanations as to why people do what they do--because then we could fix it. Sometimes there is no answer, sometimes there is no fix. Pain and sorrow is woven into the very threads of this world, right alongside beauty and joy. Everyone dies at some point, when the people we love are ripped from our lives and our grasp it feels wrong, like life wasn't meant to end like this--that we were meant for so much more.

And now I am digressing away from the point I am going to try to make... My point is that as Christians we like to play this game too--we like to try to find sense in the senseless. Try to find a reason for the madness that seems to surround us in times of pain. But I would protest this and think that we should stop.

I am tired of these type of statements-- "This is what happens when a nation turns away from God." "Take God out of the schools and this is what you get" ect ect ad nauseum. 

Really? 

"Well Ming, we didn't have to worry about people shooting kids in school back in the day..." 

"When I was in school this sort of thing didn't happen..."

No, back in the day people hung people from trees because they had a different shade of skin. 

Back in the day protestant burned women at the stake for being suspected of witchcraft.

Back in the day William Tyndale was strangled and then burned for translating the Bible so people could read it.

Back in the day the Holocaust happened and millions of Jewish, special needs, and homosexuals--were all murdered.

Back in the day Nero was throwing people in jail and feeding them to the lions.

Back in the day John Calvin tortured and killed people because they didn't agree with him of matters of the faith.

Back in the day...you get the idea.

This world we live in though beautiful-is still a painful and messed up place.

Like I said before beauty and joy are a part of the tapestry of our lives--but sorrow and pain are woven along side as well.

Yes, the world today is messed up--but from what I can gather since the moment that our kind craved the knowledge of good and evil it has been that way.

Don't hear what I'm not saying--I'm not saying that I don't think that students should be allowed to pray or that we should take God out of everything. All I'm saying is that even if the government mandated that schools begin with prayer and that Christianity should be our country's "religion" bad things would still happen. There is no magic formula to cease atrocious things from happening in our world we have woven into the fabric.

So what are we to do? As someone who is in love with the very person and character of Jesus I'm going to try to do what he did--and that is love God and love people. Playing the judge and jury or using "discernment" when it comes to other people comes unfortunately like second nature to me. Loving people not so much... 

What if instead of being known as judgmental we started being known for our love? What if instead of being known for all the things we are against--we became known for all the things that we are for? What if when people hear the term "Christian" they thought about how we care for the widows, orphans and poor, those in prison, the marginalized, those without homes, and the ones that even our society scorns and brushes to the outside--instead of our stances on gay marriage, abortion, drugs, alcohol, ect. What if we became known for our incredible grace, forgiveness and love? And what if we became known for that not because we have an agenda or because we are on a quest to change society--but because we actually loved people because of who they are...?

Now this is simply my own opinion and I could be wrong. I am only 22 and what I believe today will not be exactly what I believe in 5 years, that I can assure you-- so before telling me how incredibly wrong I am and how I need to be "legislating other people's morality and that grace and love are all good and fine in moderation but that we need to use discernment" and before getting defensive and mad at me--just know I realize that I am by no means the ultimate authority on this subject and these are just the crazy thoughts that run through my head at midnight when I have to get up at 5:50 ;)

But as always if I said anything to upset or offend anyone--or you do think I am totally wacko; please let me know I would very very much appreciate it :)

Love you all--goodnight and farewell 

"There's nothing new about evil. This is our world, as it was, as it is, but not how it shall ever be." -Brant Hansen

I have words tonight

At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me. -Clyde Kilby

**** italicized words unfortunately are not my own but Classic Crime lyrics 

I was to young to know the difference

I was just following orders

When the glass shattered around me

I learned a good lesson about my disorder

So I went on an hour long walk at the magic time that is twilight under a sky painted shades of blue, pink and purple.

And I listened to music (mostly Glass Houses on repeat), spun around, laughed, marveled at life, stood in awe, and thought.

I thought about how crazy this year has been, how drastically different my life is, how much I have changed over the course of my life, and how I wouldn't change a single thing.

I thought I was happy

I said all the right things

I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink

But it did

I thought about how I finally am becoming comfortable with who I am--imperfections and all.

As I waded through leaves that were ankle deep and the brisk night air wrapped itself around me--

I thought about how I really do believe with all of my being in this God who is not safe but who is good.

I realized that above all else I want Him.

Wreck my life--take away everything and I still will have more than I ever need because I have found Jesus.

He has blindsided me with his audacious, wild, deep, bold, reckless and ridiculous love that is so incredibly different than the way I love.

Somewhere deep down you know the difference

Between love and following orders

But if the chorus I sing is offensive

It's proof that you've yet to address your disorder

I have discovered the secret to happiness and joy regardless of the circumstances that may surround me.

No matter what people do--no matter who lets me down--I will be totally ok.

And I mean that.

I can walk through life with the joy of a child who trusts her father to take care of her.I don't have to worry about anything. 

I can stand in awe at the beauty in life.

I can love generously and live without fear. 

I can delight in the wind that feels like it is going to sweep me away, the sound that crisp leaves make when I wade through them, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning, and how good it feels to laugh and smile.

I can be ok with the fact that I am strange and embrace who God has created me to be.

I am imperfect but I am loved perfectly.

And that is enough for me.

Grace comes to those who wait

Comes to those who pray

Through tears they'll sing

We'll all sing

Looking Up is Good for My Soul

At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me. -Clyde Kilby

**** italicized words unfortunately are not my own but Classic Crime lyrics 

I was to young to know the difference

I was just following orders

When the glass shattered around me

I learned a good lesson about my disorder

So I went on an hour long walk at the magic time that is twilight this evening-- under a sky painted shades of blue, pink and purple.

I listened to music (mostly Glass Houses on repeat), spun around, laughed, marveled at life, stood in awe, and thought.

I thought about how crazy this year has been, how drastically different my life looks versus how I always pictured it turning out, how much I have changed over the course of my life, and how I wouldn't change a single thing.

I thought I was happy

I said all the right things

I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink

But it did

I thought about how I finally am becoming comfortable with who I am--imperfections and all.

As I waded through leaves that were ankle deep and the brisk night air wrapped itself around me--

I thought about how I really do believe with all of my being in this God who is not safe but who is good.

I realized that above all else I want Him.

Wreck my life--take away everything and I still will have more than I ever need because I have found Jesus.

He has blindsided me with his audacious, wild, deep, bold, reckless and ridiculous love that is so incredibly different than the way I love.

Somewhere deep down you know the difference

Between love and following orders

But if the chorus I sing is offensive

It's proof that you've yet to address your disorder

I have discovered the secret to happiness and joy regardless of the circumstances that may surround me.

No matter what people do--no matter who lets me down--I will be totally ok.

And I mean that.

I can walk through life with the joy of a child who trusts her father to take care of her.I don't have to worry about anything. 

I can stand in awe at the beauty in life.

I can love generously and live without fear. 

I can delight in the wind that feels like it is going to sweep me away, the sound that crisp leaves make when I wade through them, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning, and how good it feels to laugh and smile.

I can be ok with the fact that I am strange and embrace who God has created me to be.

I am imperfect but I am loved perfectly.

And that is enough for me.

:)

Grace comes to those who wait

Comes to those who pray

Through tears they'll sing

We'll all sing