Saturday, October 27, 2012

Looking Up is Good for My Soul

At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me. -Clyde Kilby

**** italicized words unfortunately are not my own but Classic Crime lyrics 

I was to young to know the difference
I was just following orders
When the glass shattered around me
I learned a good lesson about my disorder

So I went on an hour long walk at the magic time that is twilight this evening-- under a sky painted shades of blue, pink and purple.
I listened to music (mostly Glass Houses on repeat), spun around, laughed, marveled at life, stood in awe, and thought.
I thought about how crazy this year has been, how drastically different my life looks versus how I always pictured it turning out, how much I have changed over the course of my life, and how I wouldn't change a single thing.

I thought I was happy
I said all the right things
I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink
But it did

I thought about how I finally am becoming comfortable with who I am--imperfections and all.
As I waded through leaves that were ankle deep and the brisk night air wrapped itself around me--
I thought about how I really do believe with all of my being in this God who is not safe but who is good.
I realized that above all else I want Him.
Wreck my life--take away everything and I still will have more than I ever need because I have found Jesus.
He has blindsided me with his audacious, wild, deep, bold, reckless and ridiculous love that is so incredibly different than the way I love.

Somewhere deep down you know the difference
Between love and following orders
But if the chorus I sing is offensive
It's proof that you've yet to address your disorder

I have discovered the secret to happiness and joy regardless of the circumstances that may surround me.
No matter what people do--no matter who lets me down--I will be totally ok.
And I mean that.
I can walk through life with the joy of a child who trusts her father to take care of her.I don't have to worry about anything
I can stand in awe at the beauty in life.
I can love generously and live without fear. 
I can delight in the wind that feels like it is going to sweep me away, the sound that crisp leaves make when I wade through them, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning, and how good it feels to laugh and smile.
I can be ok with the fact that I am strange and embrace who God has created me to be.
I am imperfect but I am loved perfectly.
And that is enough for me.

Grace comes to those who wait
Comes to those who pray
Through tears they'll sing
We'll all sing

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