Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Take it.

And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love, love, love
Burning in my heart

Take my life, take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You
Take my heart, take all that I have
Jesus, how I adore You
I love this song so much. 
It's the song I turned on this morning as I threw open the windows open and basked in the fall sunshine. 
Threw my arms around and spun around the room and begged God to do this with my life. I want so desperately to be surrendered completely to walk to the heartbeat of Jesus. Yet, honestly it terrifies me as well because...I don't know exactly what that looks like for me and I like having a plan.
Loving people is hard. It runs counterintuitive to my natural state of mind. Most of the time I am very very me focused and it's hard to break that cycle.

And sometimes I want to wait until I feel loving before I love...But I am learning that when I love the feelings follow and that I can't sit around and wait for something as finicky as feelings. 

Case in point a few weeks ago I was taking care of a particularly cranky lady who I just couldn't crack and I am typically good at getting people to at least kinda sorta like me but this lady was not about to like anyone and had nothing but complaints and just wanted more and more pain medication. And then one night before I went home I overheard her telling her friend that her "little nurse" was taking her IV morphine because it wasn't helping her at all... So I went in and assured her that I was not taking it--but she just glared at me with her narrowed beady little eyes and said she didn't believe me... So I finally gave up, finished up my charting and went home just mad, discouraged and really really tired. 

And then I had to go back the next day...and I just did my job and tried my best to avoid her room. However, it turned out that I had to take her outside and help her get in the car. So as we stood outside and the breeze played with my hair and I prayed--because I did not love this woman. Borderline tolerance is what I was feeling at this point in our relationship. So even though my heart was warring inside me-- I told her "I am thankful that I got to take care of you and I am glad that I got the chance to meet you and I really hope you have a great recovery." And then I bent down and gave her cranky butt a hug. And to my amazement her beady and critical eyes softened and filled with tears and all of a sudden I saw an old lady who was incredibly lonely and needed love just as much I do. And apologies fell from her thin lips and she begged me understand that she was just ill and didn't feel good and she was so so sorry for being mean to me. And when I looked into her eyes and told her that it was ok, I understood that it is hard being sick and that I really was glad I got the chance I got to meet her. I meant it with all my heart. 

This is what I am learning--I just need to be faithful with what I have been given with what is right in front of my face. Because love is an action not a feeling.

No comments: