Saturday, October 6, 2012

This is where I bleed on paper and make everyone uncomfortable and show really how messed up I am. Woop woop.

Forgive me it is late and I am tired and in one of my writing moods-- so humor me.
(Please do not read if profanity offends you, this is me being honest.)

I mess up.
I sin, judge, think like a prick, and think very self-righteously.
I suck at loving people that I don't understand.
I'm sorry everyone I'm trying but I fall so so short all the time.
I try and convince myself that I believe that we are all on a level playing field.
But I don't really believe it.
I say it.
I want to believe it.
But I don't.
I'm treat the people around me like walking trees way to often.
I want to love like Jesus.
But it's so hard.
I cast judgement in my head.
I run away from people that make me uncomfortable and I don't understand.
It took a friend who loves me enough to be honest with me.
And I knew this already but I've been trying to bury it.
Trying to convince myself that I really don't judge people.
But I so do.
I try and figure out everything and God just wants me to love people.
I complicate things.
Oh I am so good complicate things.
I cried all the way home.
I am so messed up I don't even realize how messed up I am.
I'm the prodigal son that ran away and got burned by fire.
But I am also the self-righteous son who stayed home.
And I'm so tired of it. 
I'm so tired of fighting and trying so hard.
I'm tired of it.
So **** it all.
I just want to be more like Jesus.
And Jesus loved people.
Messed up people. Judgmental people. Lazy people. Crazy people. Addicted people. Slutty people. Prideful people. Broken people. Crazy people. Stupid people. Stuck up people.
He didn't set up perimeters around His love and acceptance.
He just loved. 
He met people where they were at.
And I don't know how to do this.
I'm terrified of it to be honest.
I'm so scared that I am going to say something wrong.
I'm scared of how messy people are.
I'm scared of being hurt.
I'm scared that I am going to screw something up.
I can't do it.
I can't do it on my own.
I guess that's the point though isn't it?
God help me.
It's time I start doing what I say I believe.

I'm so thankful that God died to save a sinful, judgmental, prick of a person like me.
And that He loves me.
Now I just need to wrap myself up in that.
I'm gonna keep it simple.
I am going to love God.
And love people.
Even when I don't know exactly how that is going to look.
I'm just going to do it.
Also I can't wait to get to heaven.
The end.

(So I chickened out and used asterisk and don't lie you read this just because you wanted to see if I really cussed. :P)

No comments: