I've wanted to write about this for a while but every time I sit down to write I find myself at a loss for words. I find myself searching for a way to accurately convey how I feel about this topic-because I am terrified of coming across as cliche. I don't want to come across as if I think I've figured it all out or that I am preaching-so I stitch my mouth closed and sit on my hands.
Even now who do I think I am to even speak to this subject? I'm just twenty-two, a quirky, naive young girl-what do I know?
But this is what I struggle with, this is one of the battle grounds that I have walked and been found lying on the ground in defeat far too often. I can speak to this because my critical eyes tear myself apart and naturally the lack of grace that I use to measure myself starts trickling down into the way that I view others. I start to judge then impatience and distaste instead of love and acceptance start to become the tenor of my life.
In the moments when I am most fully aware of the buckets of grace and recognize that I am swimming in an ocean of unending love and forgiveness; that is when I realize that I free to love people. I start recognizing that the people surrounding me are characters in this grand story just like I am-some are just more tightly gripped in the addictions, hurt and pain that to some extent pervade all of our lives. I remember more quickly that I don't know all of the back stories, I don't know the confusion, brokenness, and road they have had to walk, I don't know the demons that hunt them, whispering lies into their ears.
I see girls who run to relationship after relationship hoping and praying that they will finally find someone who will give them the love and acceptance they so desperately crave. I see the world throwing images of a very narrowly defined definition of beauty into our faces demanding that we join the rat race. Demanding that we lose more weight, never age, have flawless skin, and have a perfect wardrobe. I see people who try to find their worth in the occupation, their reputation, and their material possessions. And to some degree or another at different times: I've been all those people. I see people look for something to drown out the voices with alcohol, food, drugs, "fun"...pick your poison.
G. K. Chesterton once said, "Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.” And I think he captures it perfectly...we are all searching for something to fill this void that exists in the center of our being. The void that tells us that something is not right in the world. Pain, sadness, heartache and death were never meant to have the final word.
This is getting much longer than I was intending it too...
I guess all I really want to say is, you're enough, you're loved, you're desired and you're beautiful-even with your scars, hurts, hang-ups, and failures. And you can be saved, redeemed, and free. You can have what you could never have earned on your own. Check you pride at the door and accept that Jesus loves you just as you but not as you should be-because we will never be as we should be.
Screw this world ladies and gentleman. Screw it's ridiculous rules and impossible standards of beauty.
I will never be that girl/woman and that's fine by me.
I will never be a size 2. I will never have a good sense of style.
I will never be perfect. I will always be a little of kilter.
And that is totally fine by me
Because I am redeemed.
I am Ming-Wai.
I like to read books too much.
I am super nerdy.
I only wear make up when I feel like it.
I don't need a smart phone
I would rather be comfortable than look good.
I am worse off than I know.
But I'm more loved than I can imagine.
And I love Jesus a whole freakin lot.
Now He is all that and a bag of chips :)