Ok, fact is I can't sleep. I tried, but I can't.
In alot of ways I'm secure-I'm secure in the fact that God loves me, my identity is found in Christ alone--which is pretty much the most secure identity that one is ever ever going to find. And then in alot of ways I'm insecure, or at least sometimes my insecurities rear their ugly heads. Yes, there are times that I can sing a song like Ups & Downs and really truly mean it. There are times that I can sing that to live and to love is dangerous but it's better than playing it safe. There really are times that I can truly sing that. And then there are other times...
There's other times when I'm laying in the dark when night no longer seems like a friend. When the night presses all around and reminds me that I have no guarantees right now. Instead of a kind friend who wraps himself around me and lulls me to sleep, he becomes a enemy who just whispers things in my ear. There are times like these that I can not truly sing that I believe that the dangerous things of loving and living are better than playing it safe. Right now playing it safe sounds so tempting an alluring.
Being honest is hard, it's laying your heart out there...and it's not easy. And I'm not even laying out my whole heart here...lol
I don't want to be honest right now. I don't. I want to wear a mask. I want to paste a smile on my face. I want to write happy things. I desperately want to be fake right now. I don't want to be honest to myself.
I don't want to look myself in the mirror and be secure. If I wasn't secure then maybe I would have more motivation to become someone that would be more acceptable...
I don't want to admit that I get so tired sometimes...
I don't want to admit that I'm really insecure sometimes.
I don't want to admit that the reason that I wish all these things is because I want to be the idea of what a perfect girl is.
I don't want to admit that I'm not just happy happy happy all the time.
I don't want to admit that I'm crying right now.
I don't want to admit that everything I've said is really how I feel.
God save me. Love me where I'm at.
Overwhelm me. See my longing for You.
Let me run to you and sit in your lap for a while and we'll just talk.
Please meet me here. now. I need you.
Sit, you know we don't even need to talk, we can just sit, your presence comforting me...
I love you so.
In Jesus Name Amen.