Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I'm done.

I am a screw up guys—worse I have been a hypocrite.

I sit here and talk about God's love; how I wish people would be completely real; and for the past few months I have holding a mask to my face, praying that no one will actually see me for what I really am.

I have been doing the one thing that I hate so much; I've been superficial.


Because I'm scared to death of what people will think of me; I feel that I've failed people, and I hate failing anyone.

Guys, this is my head ok; I think I lose either way. If you have a good opinion of me or a high opinion of me,, then I've failed you—but if you have had a low opinion of me, then I've just proven you right.

So I hold this mask to my face, hoping that I will never been seen for what I really am, yet at the same time desperate to be rid of it and just be myself.

And in church is where it is worse, I know this is mostly my own fault and my fear of man, but it's just hard to honest when you're surrounded by people that appear to have their lives together and seem to be perfect. Still...there have to be other people out there that are like me, that are screwing up in “big” ways but because they are surrounded by what appears to be “perfect” people they are scared to death that they are the only ones. That if they open up that they will be ostracized and looked down on.

Oh I'm not saying that people in church don't confess their sin to one another—but when I'm with girls who are standing around talking about how their biggest struggle this last week was either being diligent with their school or being patient with their siblings, to be perfectly honest—it's hard to be honest with them. I look at my sin, my huge issues and I clam up.

And I've been in church long enough where I know the right things to say, I know how to act; how to fit in. Ask me what I've been struggling with this week and I'll rattle off “Well just being patient with my brothers and sister.” Oh do I have issues with that, sure. But I know there is other stuff in my life that I need to work out, I know that I need to get the big stuff worked out first.

But do I tell anyone my big issues? Of course not.

And I'm tired of it, I'm so so so sick of this. I'd rather be just a screw up than be a screw up-plus a hypocrite. If I'm just a screw up, I can actually begin to try to work out my screw ups because I'm not hiding them.

Besides who am I trying to fool. Honestly, who am I trying to fool that matters!

Unfortunately in the organization of the modern church there is this expectation of being perfect or being perceived as perfect. It's full of people who want to “belong”, and I say this being one of them. But people! There is only one place that you and I should desire to belong and that's in the Book of Life. That's all I should care about and I'm already there.

So honestly here is where I'm at.

I've been sneaking around doing what my parents told me not to.

I've done things I never thought I'd do.

I've lied.

I've disobeyed.

I've deceived.

I've been selfish.

I've sinned.

No, I didn't get caught doing it, I just couldn't do it anymore.

I'm not a good person.

I'm a horrible sinful puke.

This is me. This is what I am, this is where I'm at.

There I said it, now you all know.

I'm a messed up sinful puke.

I don't feel like there is anyone at the church where I go that I can be relate with and be vulnerable with, save for a couple of really close friends.

You know why I have a hard time talking to other people? It's not because I don't think they're cool; it's because I think they're better than me. It's because I feel I don't fit in, and I feel that if I were to really let anyone see what I've really done or who I really am—that I'll be judged. Oh, no people who never say in so many words that they are judging me but it's the looks, the glances, the way in which they change when you're around that speak more than words ever could. So I stand there, trying to fit in, trying to become someone I'm not—keeping a wall up, grasping at a mask.

But I'm done with it. I'm done. I'm so completely and utterly done with it.

If you don't want to be friends with me because you think I'd be a bad influence. Fine.

If your parents don't want you to be friends with me because they think I'd be a bad influence. Fine.

I'd rather you not be friends with me at all, than you be friends with a person that isn't even me.

I have really, honestly, truly reached the end of myself.

Hiding isn't an option for me, ok, well it's still an option but not the one that I'm willing to do anymore.

I need help, I need God.

I'm all in.

My heart is exposed, my sinful rotten heart.

I can start dealing with it now.

I needed to be defined by one thing and one thing alone.

And that's my God's crazy, passionate, unreasonable, abounding, insane, reckless, life abandoning love.

I'm not going to be defined my my reputation (or lack thereof)

I'm not going to be defined my my sin and screw ups.


Because my God's forgiveness is bigger than my sin.

Because my God is that freaking huge and my God is love. (seriously he is.)

He loved me before I did anything to deserve it, and because he loved me before there is nothing I can do to lose that love. Nothing.

So I need to leave all my crap and sin, and then run as fast as I can toward the only thing that will ever matter in life.

Forget about people opinions, people judgments, and run this race that I've been called to run. I slip, fall, and even crash sometimes, but my God is so kind, so loving. He picks me up, dusts me off and whispers in my ear to keep going. All because of love.

This needs to motivate my whole life.

Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this, maybe I shouldn't be this honest, and maybe a lot of you don't need to know all this. But I'm doing this for my sake. I'm doing this because I don't want any of you thinking that I'm a better person than I am.

I want to be completely real, completely genuine.

I don't want to be a superficial person that's scared all the time that they are going to be found out.

I'm on my face, begging God to change me.

This is me, guard down, mask off. I am a screw up, yes. Hypocrite, no.

I'm done.

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