...cryptic

Guys I'm done with being superficial. I'm done. I know I've said this before but you have no idea how much I mean it now.

I don't want to be superficial but yet, I'm scared to death to be real. Why? Because I'm a screwed up messed up hopeless person. Oh, I know you would say everyone has their issues, but honestly mine seem really large and glaring. It gets even better too, I'll pray and ask God to give me strength to change in an area and I don't, given the means and the time I do the things that in my head I swore I'd never do again, better than that if not given a means, I find a means.

This isn't a matter of avoiding temptation or being able to say no to it.

I'm sorry but this is not where I am at. I am at the point where I can not say no to temptation and even if I do avoid it something always comes up.

It's been crippling my relationship with God, yes I know this. But I've prayed and begged God to take it away. Oh you have no idea how I've prayed and begged. Yet I more of me doesn't want it taken it away. I take that back even if it'd be easier I don't want it taken away. Tears spent; emotions worn thin. I gave up last night.

I can't do this. I can't. And I'm tired of putting on the act like I can, I'm tired of donning the mask that makes it looks like I can handle this, so it's off.

I can't do this.

I can't.

I'm done.

This is God's work and I don't see the purpose and I don't know why it's happening and I don't know why it is me and I don't know why I'm in this place at this time with these people, right now. But it is. And if God started a good work in me, then he's going to finish the job.

He's going to and I have to rest in that.

There is a purpose and I have to know that. I have to know it with my head but also with my heart.

Why do I have to know this? Because to do some of the things that I need to do, I have to know that this is what I am suppose to do. Does that makes sense?

I need to know with ever fiber of my being, with ever cell in my body that I am doing the right thing. That this is what God wants me to do. Not what people necessarily want me to do; everyone else might think I've gone completely mad, and I very well may of gone insane. But you have no idea how much I don't want to do this. You have no idea, I'm not the kind of girl who looks for things to go against just for the sake of being argumentative. I'm not. What do I do with the fact though that this feels like the right thing to do? What do I do with the fact that I've prayed about it for hours and I still have this sense that this is what God wants me to do?

What if everyone hates me?

What if people think I'm this awful horrible girl?

What if people think I'm just this rebellious teenager and therefore discount everything I say?

Who cares.

No, seriously who cares. If I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do then who cares?

Who cares what other people think of me?

Who cares if everyone hates me?

Who cares if they listen to nothing I say?

It doesn't matter.

It really truly honestly sincerely doesn't matter.

I know this is the right thing to do.

Cause I give up. I can't do this. I just can't.