Actions are Hard.

I wish I was stronger.

But I am weak. So incredibly, depressingly, sadly weak.

Told Stephen yesterday that I wasn't going to call and text him. And what do I do 26 hours later...text and try and call him.

It's so easy to say things. Words come easy for me.

And I meant them yesterday.

I said them with conviction. I said it with courage.

But when lonliness starts to surround you like a blanket.

And fear decends around you like a cloud.

And the pain feels like a bullet in your chest.

What do you then?

But what do I do when I know that the words are right but every fiber in my being is screaming out for me to do the opposite.

After I fail I call Mrs. George and cry.

I cry because I failed.

I cry because I  am sure all it does is annoy him and make him mad.

I cry because I hate annoying him and making him mad.

I cry because I want control and don't have it.

I cry because I long to understand and I don't.

I cry because I can't stop him from making unwise choices.

I cry because I don't want him to get hurt.

I cry because it is so hard.

And I cry because there is nothing I can do about it.

I cry because I know in my head that God is big enough but it's so hard to really get it sometimes.

I know God has a plan but when we see through a glass dimly lit we can't see it clearly and it hurts.

And the pain is sometimes enough to take your breath away.

I am a fixer.

What do I do when what is broken does not want to be fixed? 

I am a giver.

What do I do when no one wants what I have to bring?

What do I do when my hands cling to and clutch the very thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I must let go of.

I go to the bathroom and my scream is silent. My body shakes. And I know again I am weak.

The dicotomies of my faith.

Only by dying to ourselves can we truly live.

And in my weaknesses He is strong.

It's so hard when it doesn't feel that way though.

When the bottom drops out from under you and you feel like you are free falling

It's hard to remember that in reality--He's never ever let you go.

Actions my friends are so much much harder than words.

Sometimes The End is The Beginning

So before the gossip train goes around (which I'm sure it has already started ;)) 

I'm going to throw it out there. Stephen and I have broken up. It happened this Friday. I thought we were doing well-- but at the end of the day he said that he didn't love me, didn't want to date me, and wanted his freedom after 4 years. And at first I didn't want to give it to him...

There were mistakes made on both sides--I can only speak to my own though. I'm sure I was to clingy and controlling and violently angry at times... :P

I was hurt and heartbroken--and frankly I am still heartbroken. But I am ok.

I won't lie for the first 39 hours I didn't eat, sleep, or drink anything. I was miserable, an emotional rollercoaster, and probably cried buckets. I thought I couldn't live life without him. I adore him. I prayed and bargained and wished and hoped and was depressed all the same time.

But then someone told me "The harder & longer you hold on, the more your hurt yourself." and even though 32432 people had told me that before that is the time and place that God made it click for me.

This WILL not define me. I am so much more than Stephen's girlfriend.

I am a beloved child of God and my Daddy is crazy about me.

My God has planned each day each step of my life--and He thinks that I can handle this.

And He was asking me to open my hands and let go of what I held most precious to me...

So I did it.

I think I'm on the brink of something large

Maybe like the breaking of the dawn

Maybe like a match being litOr the sinking of a ship,

letting go gives a better grip

Maybe one day we will get back together. Maybe we never will. 

Maybe I'll get married one day. Maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll live til I am 89. Maybe I'll die tomorrow.

I will be ok though.

I do know that no matter what--my Daddy has me close to His heart. And He adore me. And that is all I need.

And I mean ever single word of that.

Crazy thing--I was on a walk two weeks ago and listening to Jason Gray and I was feeling remarkable wonderfully good and so so loved. And I asked God that I wanted to grow even closer to Him and that even if it hurt I wanted. (ofcourse when it happened I rebelled and said "anything but this!". But I know it will be worth it.)

Now I am going to go outside and spin around and around like a child listening to this song....because I am adored and loved by the One who really matters.

Also thanks to all of the amazing people in my life who are always there for me no matter what.

Specially my mommy, Justin and Tyler.

I don't know what I would do without you.

(Side note: I am still going to have mental breakdowns I'm sure, and still cry, and it still hurts. But this is the thing we call Life.)

For my good and His Glory :)

Ming

--------------------------

This is where it begins

This is where all the worry ends

This is where I say

I don't need to have control

This is where I admit

I don't know how to handle it

Life in all of this chaos

You're my only hope

And all that I have to offer

Is the white flag of surrender

So take me to the middle of Your heart

Lead me to wherever Your love starts

To a new day dawning

To the place You are

And if You want to take me over the edge

I'll let you cause Your love is where I'll land

Wanna be right where You are,

In the middle of Your heart

This is what I believe

That if I give you my everything

I will become who I was really born to be

I'll stand up and say it

Yeah, Your love is something I can put my faith in

What I carry...What I carry...But now I can let it go

Yeah I carry it

Lord I carry it

But now I can let it go

Yeah I can let it go

You ever felt just tired.

Sometimes the yoke seems hard.

Sometimes the burden seems heavy.

We’ve only glimpsed, His vast affection

Heard whispers of, His heart and passion

Sometimes joy seems to allude me.

Sometimes faith and trust...just seem nonexistent.

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

Sometimes life is just hard.

It is hard to do the right thing. When the wrong thing is so much easier.

Sometimes it's hard to believe it'll all be worth it.

His love is deep, His love is wide

And it covers us

His love is fierce, His love is strong

It is furious

His love is sweet, His love is wild

Sometimes its hard to love people.

How can I love them like Jesus loves me?

What does that look like?

Have you heard it said that Jesus is the answer

And thought about the many doubts you hide

Have you wondered how he loves you

If He really knows how dark you are inside

I want what I do to be motivated by the fact that I am desperately in love with the God who saved me.

Unfortunately lots of the time my decisions are based how much I love myself.

God give me strength and courage.

To do whatever He wants me to do.

And the grace to have compassion and love for others.

Also. I want to move to San Francisco.

And I want to live a life that does not make sense unless Jesus exists.

Which is kinda scary...

Because when I look at people in the Bible that lived as though Jesus really did die and SAVED us and that Heaven is our reward--their lives were not...easy, comfortable, and safe....all things that the older I become the tighter my grip becomes attempting to hold on to the illusions.

I see God working in my life and the life on my boyfriend. And it fills me with such amazing hope and joy for the future--whatever it may hold.

Because I know that I know that I know that no matter what God is in control.

I just need to be faithful with this moment of time that I have right now and where I am right now.

All over the place. (it's how my brain works)

00:15. And I am to be awake at 0550.

Good news is that hopefully I will get to go home early tomorrow because I will be in overtime after 14:00.

My world revolves around military time in case anyone was wondering lol

So so much that I could talk about I don't know where to start.

I love my job. Most days.

Am thankful for it-everyday.

It stretches my patience and compassion and I am learning so much.

Charting sucks though. lol Some days I like to imagine a world where charting isn't necessary and the gobs of time I would have to talk with my patients if I didn't have to chart ;)

I have learned to love old people though. They are so sweet and adorable *98% of the time*

I meet all sorts of interesting people. And most days I am able to find the humor in all the chaos that we create.

Stat responses are not my favorite though.

Anyways though!

Passion! was incredible. (as it always is)

Stephen was not prepared for how amazing it was--and now I don't think I'll have to drag him back :)

I left with my head and heart so full.

And they still are.

I'm trying to process it all and figure it out.

Francis, Louie, and Christine Caine along with the panel of people they had this year--absolutely floored me and messed me up.

They all made me want to drop everything I had and run into the slums/streets/brothels and love like Jesus. Setting free captives and doing something that matters with my life.

It's hard because I know that I know that I'm where I am suppose to be right now. Boyfriend, job, at home. And that I am called to be faithful and loving where God has me at right. now.

Anyways another thing I have been thinking about and discussing with Stephen is the idea of "balance" when about become a Christian. When you first become a Christian or you become fired up and want to do something "crazy" and are longing to actually live how Jesus live there are always very well meaning other believers that feel the need to insert themselves into your life and crazy plans and tell you that there needs to be a "balance". You know--Jesus would want you to love others--but it's also his plan for you to go to college and work on a career. Yes, Jesus wants you to give money and help other people--but He doesn't want you to be "unwise" God wants you to build a savings account. There must be a "balance" to everything.

The biggest problem is ^^^^ is me now. Something about that mindset has always bothered me. But I also really really like it to. I want a "balance" to exist. "Balance" in my life is very comfortable. It provides me with a small sense of security and safety. It's a warm little blanket of self disillusionment that I can throw over myself while I live in this cold, dark world.

But what if this "balance" has become something that people--that I use for an excuse.

What if Jesus didn't really come to bring balance to our tiny lives?

What if Jesus came to earth to wreck any preconceived notions in our head about what life is really about and how we should live it.?

What if Jesus wants to turn all "good" thinking upside down and calls us to trust God and depend on Him and not our security, savings accounts and jobs.?

What if Jesus really came to set us free.

Now don't hear what I'm not saying--I'm not saying school is bad. I'm not saying having a savings account is bad. I'm not saying that having a good job is bad.

And I am NOT saying that sitting on your proverbial ass and doing nothing or partying till you drop is what Jesus wants all of us to do.

Jesus wants lawyers, business men, and doctors to do his good work. But He wants them to do it for His name and his fame and his glory--not to provide them with a safe little comfortable fortress of a life.

All I'm saying is that I know that I grew up conditioned to believe that these things (school, good jobs) are what makes the world go round. Even if never said in so many words.

All I'm saying is that it's taking a bomb going off in my heart and soul and mind to get them rooted out and start to look at my life and purpose through a Jesus lenses--and not an American Christianity culture lenses.

All I'm saying is that maybe Jesus' dream for us is bigger than having a million dollars, owning a house, having 2.5 children and a nice safe, secure, comfortable life sheltered away from the world.

But what do I know.

I'm probably not "balanced" enough.

The end.