Ramblingness of me and my head. Yes, you probably should be scared. =P

Life is amazing...well...on a whole it is. Right now it's kind of annoying and I don't understand it. At all.

My mind is questioning and fighting itself. Debating. Arguing. My thoughts are rarely sitting still and allowing me to think them over calmly and rational, instead they decide to all rush forward to the front of my head, pushing and shoving-- imploring, pleading, and begging trying to draw my attention in a hundred different directions; all at the same time. It had been like this for the past week. Last night it stopped. I was so thankful. Finally.

It's times like those that I find it really hard to focus on God. I mean the sorta focus where I go and sit at his feet in total adoration just allowing my mind to be filled completely with Him and Him alone. That sort of devotion is hard.

You know though what's kind of funny though? [not funny "haha" but funny ironic] What's funny, is that I find it really hard to focus completely on God...even when my life is going really great too. I mean I'm thankful to Him, but I don't think I'm focused on Him. When life is going good, my head is distracted by situations that are going good. And you know what's really funny? Is that when my head is like it is right now--I think I go to God more vs. when the good time are "rolling".

I think it's because in the good times I am attempting to find my joy in those times or situations. And the problem is that when things are going good, I feel like I've succeeded! I've found joy! Maybe not joy eternal and everlasting that I'm really longing for; but a type of joy nonetheless! I know in my head that I need God to find joy---but those things are filling my heart and mind and I don't feel like I need God as much. But when those things are stripped away, I come to the realization--I need God. I always need God. Always, 24/7 for all my days, for the rest of my life. But in the good times I don't see as clearly as when things are hard. When times are hard, then the truth is exposed. The stark glaring truth-- I need God.

This is just me being really honest. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect and am such a fickle minded girl with thoughts that go in a million different directions. I'm sorry that I struggle with this and if you think less of me fine. Go right ahead. lol I'm not here to impress anyone and I'm not going to try to hide stuff just to look better. Because it's pointless.

You know thinking all of this through---it makes me so thankful for the hard times. Don't get me wrong I love the good times and I enjoy them when they come and I praise God for them. They refresh me. But in the hard times--I'll still praise Him. I'll praise him for using them help me refocus on Him, for using them to draw me to Himself, for a fresh awareness how much I need Him. I want to be close to Him above everything else. I need nothing else. Got that? Nothing. Isn't that scary?

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Switching gears for a second. I still can't get over the fact that I'm going to be 18.! I can vote! Legally I'll be an adult [though I'm far from being mature enough to be one] Seriously, that's so scary.

There are days I would give anything to go back to being 10 or 12. Even if I was the biggest homeschool dork there ever was. =P I was talking about it with someone and I can't like get it out of my head. I was never a girly girl but I was never a tom boy either. I was in between. How I managed to do that I'm not sure. lol

I mean, like no one who reads this is going to relate and remember this accept maybe Justin. Because I didn't know any of you back in the day. =P lol
But I miss being a kid... running around and playing capture the flag in the woods with the Schultz's, playing in the creek in summer and freaking out when we thought there was a snake and catching crayfish and salamanders, playing in the pool, four wheeler rides, sucking at play station [=P], sleepovers-- staying up till all hours talking about nothing really because we didn't really have problems to talk about =P, building bunkers in the woods and having fires on the cement basketball area throwing all sorts of junk into them lol, playing hide and go seek [in one room]---and being short and small enough to fit anywhere. I miss talking to Ying for hours about what an awesome day we had just playing and how amazing we both thought the Schultz's were. I miss when the things that had me worried were if I could get my school done in time to go over and play with Corey, Krystalynne, and Kyle or so I could finish my book from the library. =P

Simpler times, I miss them. [lol, I sound like I'm really old when I say that, I don't sound like the silly 17 year old girl that I am. =P]

Gosh, honestly, how can you people like and be friends with such a dork like me? I'll never understand. But thanks for putting up with me regardless. =)