Not in the dry, dead way that it's so easy to fake. I don't want to just say that I'm in love with God--I want it to actually be a reality in my life. I want to be enraptured and swept off my feet.
As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
I think so often though, at least for myself I can try to conger up love for God--try to dwell on my sinfulness and how much he has given me. I try and muster up love because...well...it's what as a "Christian" you're suppose to do. Your suppose to love God.
More and more though I'm finding that I love God most, when I think of how much me loves and adores me. EVEN in my sin, even in my falleness.
The verse above says that God rejoices over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. I don't think that the fact that God calls the church his bride is something we should just gloss over, or simply stick in our dictionary of Christianese.
The fact that God loves you, that freaking much should never be something that becomes dry and dead. And it can't be something that you try to force life into either. It must, the whole concept of it must be driven but a very alive, real, deep, consuming passion. It is what that requires. I don't think a bridegroom who is crazy about his bride, will be psyched about her trying to conger up feelings of passions for him because she feels she has to or because it's what she's suppose to do. Passions are something you can't force yourself to have. Matters of the heart can't be faked.
I don't even know if any of this is making sense....
My heart is so full and I get these concepts in my head. These ideas keep blowing me away and pursuing me relentlessly.
I want to write them down here, I want to capture just a taste of this passion and love. But words seem to fail and feel so inadequate.
Many of you don't know--and some of you do what this past year has been like for me. It's been crazy. Well comparatively crazy, to some I guess it wouldn't be a huge thing, but to me I was quite insane.
I'm not saying that I didn't get myself into it--that I didn't screw up. Cause frankly I did.
But the fact of the matter is that regardless of what I've done or been through--that doesn't have to dictate what I do now.
And to be honest--though I might wish I could change some of my actions and how I responded to circumstances of the course of this last year...I can't say that I wish I was at a different place.
I can see now how God--even in the midst of my mistakes has still managed to interfere and have a relationship with me regardless. I can't say I've handled this the best--but I can say confidently that God has provided and that he has been there regardless. Holding me, Loving me, Forgiving me, Redeeming me.
I can also confidently say that I know I was made for this and whatever God brings my way hence forth. He won't give me anymore than I can handle and He will be there no matter what.
Heck I might as well just say it huh? Ok screw it then.
I'm a pretty open and honest about my shortcomings [at least eventually].
Ok so you guys really want to know? If you don't that's totally cool and you can just stop reading.
Actually if you've read this far I'm impressed congratulations for withstanding my incoherency for this length of time. =)
Here we go--my life the last...while. lol[in an incredibly SHORT and CONDENSED version]
Please know that I know that I was the one who was in the wrong. I know I was selfish, prideful. And I'm not saying a word about how I think it was handled on the flip side of things. That's not my problem even if it did affect my life--I'm only responsible for my actions--I know this. That said....
I'm so done with not being being open and honest.
So starting? Um 2007 fall I was meeting with a certain boy without my parents knowing.
Then January 2008 we finally both told each other that we liked each other, at a conversation at church that we were having because he was apologizing to me for coming over to my house or something. [we aren't allowed to talk still]
We were good for a while [a couple weeks?] then started meeting on Weds again until I broke down in the beginning of May and told a good friend of mine because I just couldn't take it anymore. They encouraged me to tell my parents (who took it heroically) and then he told his and we weren't allowed to talk really at all. [although we weren't really able to talk before either but yeah...]
So life moves along- I plan for NA and graduation that came shortly after that. I get to NA, probably the most interesting NA of my life...regardless of the fact it was my first one. =P There I end up hanging out with the a fore mentioned boy. Drama happens. I get fed up, as does he. With a couple people's responses to things.
So then we decide to elope in January of 2009, after we quietly left one of the sessions to talk about everything that had been going on. Then we decided...um August, then it changed to a week after I turned 18. [if you ever want to know about laws and requirements just let me know =P]
His parents find out that he's been talking to me because I tried calling him one time and then crap hits the fan so to speak[this is in the beginning of June 2008] . Both sides of parents find out about our plans because I have a really big mouth and told the friend that I had told last time about us meeting.
Drama ensues and life become quite....yeah. Nough said.
People get upset and boy and I aren't allowed to look at each other. I manage to finish my summer classes and actually find out what it means to depend on God and have him carry you when you don't have strength.
We were very good for until completely randomly ran into each other at Walmart (long story) and then...yeah.
So kids there you go. When I say it's been a long year--now you know that I mean it.
Here you go.
Now when I write stuff, you aren't going to be in the dark about me and you know that I'm so incredibly far from perfect and that I'm can screw up in major ways, and sin incredibly much--but I'm still loved by God. [crazy isn't it?]
So there you go, now you know.
You don't have to be friends with me anymore if you don't want to. =) I understand.
But guys I am still Ming...I think...possibly...=P
[...but apparently I'm a jerk too...hmm...]