I would be lying if I was to say that for the past few days, even past few weeks haven't been kind of trying for me. =P I could put on the appearance of a good little Christian kid and spout of about how even in the midst of my trials I always have joy I don't even really need to fight for it because God has provided blah blah blah blah blah. And not really really mean it. But that isn't helpful for anyone. So I'm going to be very very honest.

The fact of the matter is joy sometimes is a fight. Especially in the midst of things that make really no sense to me at all. There have been many times as of late, that I simply went and holed myself up somewhere dark and pretty much prayed for alot of things... My favorite is the garage in a car or something because my parents closet has lost the draw that it had 7-8 year ago. =P not that you needed to know that. =P There is something about being somewhere-where it is dead quiet and you know no one knows where you are. lol

The fact is sometimes I lose sight of the Love that has been given to me...I thank God that it has never been for very long lately but still....I hate losing sight of it.

The fact is that right at this moment in time; I'm just really tired. I'm just tired of fighting for joy and love. I'm tired of myself-my rationalizing head and my day dreamy self that never seem to agree on anything. I'm tired of debating myself...I'm tired of always being the mature and responsible person that people look up to because then when I mess up I feel like I let people down. I'm tired of the superficial Christians that are so prevalent in this culture. I'm so tired of worrying that I'm one of them. I'm tired of trying to sort through the things that I know vs the things that I think I know but I don't really know. I'm tired of sin. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of knowing that even though I'm tired of waiting it's going to be alot longer of a wait. I'm tired of just myself in general. I'm tired of talking myself out of things. I'm tired of always losing sight of the things that really matter. I'm tired and my brain still won't shut off....ahh this thing called life. =P
Ok I'm done complaining =P hahaha oh but that felt good.
I almost didn't say anything about this because I didn't want to seem depressed or anything because I assure you I'm not. =) Promise =). But for the sake of being real...here it is. I'm not depressed but just in this moment in time I'm worn out. What I really need to do is go and talk to the One whom loved and collapse in his arms arms now. Cause the world doesn't look as tiring and I don't feel as worn out from there.