Monday, March 19, 2007
Yesterday we were running late to church because Ying wanted some soda or something so mom ran to Wal-Mart quick. So we got to church 20 mins late. Now if you know me, you know I hate being late. I always have. Since we were running late I was becoming short with my mom and my brothers. yeah. There was frustration, anger, impatience in my heart and it was sloshing and spilling over into my actions. As I was driving I just felt Him say "Uh yeah Ming, do you think I really care if you are on time? Great if you are, but if being late is causing you to act like this, why even go?" I stopped. And I started thinking about it. If Jesus was to come back right then I doubt he would have cared if I was in church or on my way there. Then it got me thinking, if God didn't care if I was late then why did I? Because I care what people think duhhh. Uhhh so then I started getting pretty ticked off at myself. AHHHH why can't I just love God???????????
If Jesus was to come back right. now. Would it matter if the house is a mess? If I had a 10 page paper to write? If we were running late? Or would it matter how I was responding to my circumstances.? I mean really!
Great, I'm in church. But DOES IT REALLY FREAKING MATTER IF MY HEART ISN'T FILLED, yeah FILLED with LOVE FOR GOD? I wish it wasn't so easy to fake. I could have gone and if God hadn't convicted me I could have held on my selfishness and self love and no one would have known. AHHHH and then there's the prideful part of me *which is all of me* that doesn't even want anyone to know or read this, because then "What if everyone thinks I'm always freaking about being late?". But you know I don't care. I don't.
Think I'm horrid, think I'm impatient, selfish, angry. Because that's what I am. I can NOT boast in anything save the CROSS. I'm refusing to fake it. You thinking I'm something I'm not isn't doing anything for me eternally. This time is but a drop in the cup. And I can't, can't waste it. Hear me on this. Please. Don't look at me, I'm nothing. Look only to my Savior. He is my only hope, I am only worth anything because of Him.
He loves ME, the horrid selfish unloving little person that I am. And He wants to be my EVERYTHING.
All I have is by Your mercy
And all I have is all of grace
All I am is what Your love
Has made of me.
***I apologize for the picture I know it's lame but I couldn't find anything that I liked that fit.